New Year. New Chapter.

 It’s 6am on the Sunday after Christmas. I’m listening to a remaining Christmas “Yule Log” channel. What used to be, at least six channels, is now down to a few. Where did December go? I mean this month flew by. Right? There’s only week left in 2021! I have my “To Do” list for today but taking a moment to reflect on this past year. It’s been a rough one for many of us… but together… we made it through! 

My 2021 list:

Work

Hospitalized

Scans

Whole Brain Radiation

New Chemo

Bronchoscopy

Lung Biopsy

New Chemo

New Chemo

Holiday Cards

Baked

Snuck in a little fun

Did laundry

Blogged

Worked out… mildly

As I look back at all I’ve been though… 2021 brought it. I brought it too though! I still managed to work. I still got my holiday cards out. I still sent smiles. I still blogged. When I look back… I went through a lot and I did a lot. I sometimes beat myself up for what I’m not able to do. The days I’m unable to work (which, thankfully, aren’t too many) riddle me with guilt. The days I can’t move from the bed or couch shock me. I miss frolicking with friends… the boozy brunches full of bloodies… the travel with friends or to see friends. I miss the daily grind. I need to remind myself those times will return to some extent. That’s what I fight for every day. My “new normal” is ever-evolving. We all are navigating an ever-evolving new normal. The pandemic takes us on a rollercoaster every month. Remember, we are all on the ride together. We are buckled up. Speaking of buckling up and rollercoasters… buckle up for this quick health update. 

I had scans this month. It was my first set of scans with the new chemo. I was hopeful. My brain scan had come back great! I wasn’t feeling that bad. Nothing crazy going on. So, my fingers and toes were crossed! Nope. Scans came back. The chemo wasn’t working. So, I started a new more aggressive chemo this past Christmas week. It’s two weeks on/one week off. Previously, it was infusion every three weeks. This new schedule is new for me but I am hopeful. I am grateful there are still options. I am grateful.

I often talk about gratitude. I’m grateful for all of you. I’m grateful for my friends and family… especially my parents who are the unsung heroes of my journey. Every text, card, message, gift and prayer are all things I am grateful for. Those are all gifts to me. They give me hope during moments I feel hopeless. They bring me light in moments of darkness. They are everything to me. 

As we begin our final week of 2021 I want you to grab a glass/mug of whatever you want. I’m grabbing my coffee. Let’s toast to 2022! My wish for you is a happy, hopeful and healthy New Year! Do what brings you joy. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Spread joy where you can. Do your best. Know and accept that that is enough. I toast to your health. I wish for you love and peace. May every night end… and may every day start… with a grateful prayer and a hopeful heart. Take a moment to look around you. You are alive! The gifts that you see.The gifts you can’t see. Don’t let them slip away in the hustle of a busy day. Breathe it all in. Don’t focus on what others are doing. It matters what you are doing. So here’s to 2022 and all you hope to do. 

77/23

 .77 miles and 23 minutes. That may not mean much to you but to me it means the world. Why? This once very active girl hit the gym for the first time since leaving NYC! I hit the treadmill… at a really…. slow… pace. As I listened to my songs on shuffle I looked around and teared up for a hot second. I may not be the woman running quickly on the treadmill in the corner in front of me. I may not be the guy on the Peloton cycling to the beat. I may not be the old me who would be on the elliptical doing an Aaptive workout. What I am is the new me. An ever changing me that ebbs and flows with how my body feels. A new me that is sometimes hard to accept. I don’t know what inspired me to hit the gym. I was avoiding it due to the Coronavirus. That’s the last thing I need to get. However, it’s getting cold in the Windy City and the whipping wind outside whispered, “Do it Jess! Go to the gym and get a piece of you back.” You know what? That’s exactly what I did. As I walked to “30/90” from “Tick, Tick… BOOM!” I reclaimed a piece of me that’s been missing on this cancer journey. A physically active me. A Jess at the gym! For a brief moment I felt a little like my old self mixed in with the new me. It wasn’t the miles that mattered but the moment and the movement forward that did. I took a step forward for those who aren’t physically able to. I took a step forward for the future me. I took a step forward and reminded myself to keep going. 

77/23. Maybe, one day, someone can write a song about those numbers and turn it into a Broadway musical. 

A Day of Thanks

It’s Thanksgiving and I just want to wish you all a happy and healthy holiday. I haven’t written a blog as there’s not much to update you on… yet. The end of this month and December is stuffed with chemo, scans and appointments. Today, I am focused on gobbling up food and making new memories.

I am working and I am grateful for that. The co-workers, family and friends who have supported me via texts, gifts and messages. I am grateful for all of you. Every Facebook comment, card, delivered meal and “check-in” text are all things I cherish and am thankful for. Every… single… one. Every... single... day.

I am just grateful to be here today. Alive! God has granted me another Thanksgiving. I am not in the hospital. I am not puking into a toilet. I am not bedridden. I am just grateful. I’m looking forward to spending part of the day with my parents. Without them and their never-ending love and support I’d be nothing. They visit me daily. They drive me to appointments (my vision still stinks). They feed me and shop for me. They are unsung heroes on this journey. 

This journey is one you all make bearable. I wish you and your loved ones a Happy Thanksgiving! I’m sending love and light to those who are missing loved ones today. I know the holidays can be tough. Be grateful for the memories of those angels watching us today. They’re smiling down upon us and here in spirit.

Day 31: "Dear MBC"

 October 31, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s Halloween! That means my month of writing to you is over. It’s been a good day… but right now you have my stomach in knots and my head hurting. I’m making myself some “Love” tea. I haven’t had it in forever! Tea always makes everything better. Ok, I just took a sip and my teeth hurt. #Weird. 

For those of you who have been reading my diary… I hope it has given you a small glimpse into what living with metastatic breast cancer is like. Some days are good. Some days are bad. Some days are up-and-down. MBC teaches you to roll with the punches. To cut yourself some slack. To listen to your body even when you don’t want to. MBC teaches you to be grateful for the little things and celebrate even the smallest victories. It teaches you to embrace the sucky moments and cry it out… but to keep moving forward. Accept. Adapt. Appreciate.

I hope you’ve recognized some of yourselves in my posts. I hope they’ve brought you light in the darkness… even through the fog. I hope they’ve given you a different perspective from whatever bench, sofa or chair you’re sitting on. That you realize you have a choice in what you see in life. Do you choose to see the joy or do you just see the bad? Accept. Adapt. Appreciate… and keep going knowing that you matter. That your story matters. That you are still growing and learning.

I’ve learned “God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers,” so the saying goes. Well give me my helmet, my bat and my Cancer Crusher jersey. I’m ready for battle. I may get wounded and sidelined but this soldier will always dust herself off and march on.

Till tomorrow MBC.

Sincerely,

Jessica

P.S. The “Love” tea is helping a little. So take that! 

Day 30: "Dear MBC"

 October 30, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s been a few days. I went to my parents for some self-care appointments. I worked… minus one day where the Wi-Fi decided not to work. I tried though! It’s always nice to escape the city and venture to the burbs. I saw some cute little ghosts and goblins trick-or-treating today! 

I was feeling pretty spooktacular Wednesday and Thursday. I was just really fatigued. Friday was not a treat. You played a trick on me MBC! I felt fine all morning. Around 11:30 I was in pain. You did this to me once before. I feel fine and then move and am in this crazy constant pain. It’s like if you put a thick rubber band around my chest and upper back and then take a knife and stab me… kinda like a voodoo doll. I mean it’s not fun. The pain makes breathing hard. It just hurts. I swear it’s skeletal pain but I’m no doctor. Maybe I should be a skeleton for Halloween! LOL Anyway, I took two extra strength Tylenol and after a few hours I felt better. Thank goodness!

I feel much better today. It’s now Saturday night. I’m back at my place. I tried eating three different meals for dinner. They all tasted awful. I had an Ensure. It was ghoul-licious. Ghostbusters “Walk The Moon” is playing on Pandora. I watched some reality tv. All is good.

MBC... you’re kinda like a ghost. You’re always hovering about. Sometimes you are friendly and don’t bug me too much. Sometimes you're like “BOO!” and sneak some crazy symptom on me… like yesterday! I try to be like,“I ain’t afraid a no ghost,” but sometimes you do scare me. Don’t worry, I just do the monster mash on you and squash the symptom you throw at me the best I can. 

Have a wicked good night! 

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 26: "Dear MBC"

 October 26, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s Tuesday but it feels like Thursday. I’m not sure why. I’m a bit fatigued MBC. I exude a lot of energy but I’m really just tired. I’m still not sleeping too well at night. I’m still waking up in hot sweats. I worked this morning and treated myself to a nutella latte AFTER I had my own coffee at home. I also picked up some medication and had an appointment. 

Meantime, all the food I’ve tried to eat tastes not great but not awful. The butternut squash soup I loved the other day was nastified today. Same goes with my hummus and veggies and Eggos. The egg salad I loved over the weekend… not so good today. Nothing tastes normal.

What was normal today? For a brief moment I felt like my old self. I felt like my pre-cancer self. It was a fleeting moment. I had my nutella latte in my hand was walking to get my prescription. I felt good! I felt energized. I felt normal. It was really weird! Then it was gone. It’s a moment I’m grateful for today. I keep trying to figure out what sparked that feeling. I just don’t know. Maybe it was because for the first time in a year I wasn’t wearing sneakers. I had put on my knee high black boots! I was excited they fit because I’ve lost so much weight. I didn’t know if my feet had shrunk too! LOL The boots fit though and maybe that’s what made me feel normal. 

Speaking of my weight… don’t worry I am eating. I am currently munching on the veggies and hummus that taste weird. I also have some cheese handy. Oh wait… it’s been 10 minutes and I’m having some BarkThins. See! I’m eating.

I’m finding if I sit with my legs crossed my joints are really sore. That’s just a random thing I’ve noticed today. 

That’s all I have for now. You’ve been pretty decent to me MBC so far this week. I can’t really complain. Till tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 24: "Dear MBC"

 October 24, 2021

Dear MBC,

We always have the choice—to complain or to count our blessings. A fellow thriver once said that. Yesterday, as I Raced for the Cure I counted my blessings and my steps. Each step represented a step forward. A step towards finding a cure. A step towards more research. A step into the future. 

I could have chosen to complain about the map I created for my walk. It was a virtual walk. It took me onto Michigan Avenue and through the hospital campus. I didn’t complain. Instead, with each step, I chose to count my blessings. Let me take those of you reading this with me. So many of you cheered me on!

Lace up your sneakers. We're going for a walk. 

The walk.

I pass a McDonald’s and thank Ronald for the milkshakes he served me when they were all that I could eat. Vanilla. I turn left and continue forward. I pass hospital staff probably returning to their cars after their shifts. I smile at them. They could be coming from Prentice Women’s Hospital. I purposely stop there and take a picture. It’s where my oncology team is and where I get my chemo. I silently thank my team for always walking besides me on this journey. Sometimes, they’re one step ahead. They never walk behind me. I continue on. As I walk towards Michigan Avenue I pause. I’m listening to music. I forgot to tell y’all that! I’ve listened to songs such as “Fight Song,” “You’ll Be Back,” “Go West,” and “Mi Gente.” My steps are speedy. I slow down. I turn left towards the fancy Reserve Starbucks that always baffles me with its’ long line. I don’t want to wait in the cold so I cross back over Michigan Avenue to stop at a regular Starbucks. Also, my neuropathy is kicking in and I’m a bit chilly. I figure the impromptu pit stop will help. In hindsight… that Starbucks is right next to the building where I had whole brain radiation and gamma knife surgery. I leave Starbucks with my hot chocolate. Fitting, as a Christmas song pops up on my playlist. It’s “Jingle Bell Rock” by The Brian Setzer Orchestra. As I walk down the block… drinking my cocoa… I think about when I saw the band perform in Palm Springs. I had produced the 6pm news that day. I remembered my drive to the concert and how much fun I had that warm desert night. As I reminisce a burst of cold wind hits my face and jerks me out of the warm past and into the chilly present. I’m standing in front of the Emergency Room. There are pillars outside the ER. Each pillar has a pink ribbon on it. I pause and snap a picture. I think, “Why are there just pink ribbons on these pillars?” You are missing MBC. The metastatic breast cancer ribbon is not represented. “Are we forgotten,” I question? I think of the tri-colored ribbon I have on my shirt and look at the emergency room sign. MBC… you brought me here multiple times. Each time I was a shell of a person. You had me feeling like crap! One time I had to be wheeled in. I could barely walk… but the wheelchair moved me forward into the ER and into the hospital. Always forward. Today, I stand in front of those doors grateful for that care and grateful that I survived. Not everyone leaves the hospital. I look up to the sky at the angels I can’t see but know are there. I take some sips of my cocoa and continue forward. I want to walk more but my body is starting to tell me it’s time to go home. My neuropathy is getting worse and now my lower back hurts. I have to listen to you MBC. I know if I don’t I’ll regret it. So… with each step to my apartment I count my blessings. My parents, my friends, my medical team, my ability to be mobile, my work…. my life. Those are all blessings. It’s a blessing that I’m able to do the virtual Walk for the Cure. As I enter my building and ride the elevator up I give myself a silent round of applause. I step off the elevator and into my apartment… moving forward. Always forward. #KeepGoing

Today, I’m resting. I’m sleeping. I’m stretching. Just because I’m resting doesn’t mean I’ve stop moving forward. Tomorrow I’ll take more strides. Until then… good night MBC.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 22: "Dear MBC"

 October 22, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s Friyay!!!!! Thank goodness. You just make me sooooo fatigued MBC. I’m not sleeping well and when I do sleep I don’t feel rested after. I woke up not feeling great but pushed myself to work anyway. Acupuncture was good but my head just hurts, my eyes just blurry/tired and my body fatigued. I have the virtual Walk for the Cure tomorrow and while opening ceremonies are at 9am I plan to start walking earlier. My goal … a one mile walk. I was going to walk by the lakefront but it’s supposed to be a bit chilly tomorrow and the wind may be bad. I’m concocting a walk map in my mind. I think I may do a rectangle that includes the Northwestern Hospital campus and maybe the Riverwalk. We will see how I’m feeling. I don’t have much else to say today except I am just fatigued and can’t wait to snuggle under my covers. 

Till tomorrow MBC.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 21: "Dear MBC"

October 21, 2021

Dear MBC,

I didn’t have much to say yesterday so I gave myself the night off. I didn’t feel guilty about it. In the past I might have. I do what I'm able and that’s fine by me. Fatigue and constipation is really starting to hit me. You haven’t knocked me out. You just have me moving like a blurry-eyed sloth. I’ve been working. I’ve been eating a little. I’ve been moving around the apartment. I’m still standing MBC! Honestly though… the fatigue is just annoying. My eyes are half shut as I type this. I have NewsNation on but reading the banners and scroll is difficult. I used my eye drops but they’re not helping too much. These are Rx drops too! They cost $100. That’s another thing MBC… you are expensive. I honestly don’t know how those who can’t afford health insurance, or don’t have access to it, handle the added financial stress. It can be financially stressful with insurance. 

You are relentless MBC. Fellow MBC thrivers I follow on social media are struggling as a few learned their scans show progression… their treatment failing them. Some are switching to a new chemo and others are re-starting. While we all want to find new treatments to prolong our lives and improve our quality of life… ultimately it’s a cure to crush you we all pray and hope for. From extra weight to lost lb’s… from foul tasting food…to migraines. From fatigue to bone pain… to vomiting and nausea… you try to take over our bodies. Sometimes you instill fear in us but we will always continue to fight. 

Till tomorrow MBC.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 19: "Dear MBC"

October 19, 2021

Dear MBC,

I’m feeling a bit better today, so thank you. I crashed in bed last night after I wrote to you. I was up early for work and felt good enough to work. I then had to deal with health insurance and was off to acupuncture. I went for a short walk and did eat a tiny bit! Yay! However, now I feel really sick and vomity so maybe I ate too much? I just had some veggies and hummus and some dip and chips. Both tasted decently and not like cardboard so that was good! I fear that crazier side effects may hit Thursday and Friday like my previous chemo. Maybe not though?  Overall a much better day, so thank you MBC. I’m proud that I was able to accomplish all the things I did today but now need to rest. Why? My fatigue is getting worse. I’m watching “Maid” and currently re-watching “Madam Secretary” on Netflix. Oh! I see a new season of “The Babysitter’s Club” is available on Netflix too! I grew up reading those books! That series… along with “Satin Slippers” and “Sweet Valley High” were among the books I read growing up. Also, “The Cricket in Times Square” and that set of books had me hooked during my years at Middleton Elementary School. 

Till tomorrow. First, some tea.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 18: "Dear MBC"

 October 18, 2021

Dear MBC,

This is going to be short. I was up earlier than usual to get some work in before having to leave bright n’ early for the hospital. I didn’t sleep too great last night but it wasn’t too bad! However, I went to make coffee this morning and sprinkled paprika into my coffee instead of cinnamon! Oy vey! LOL I met with my oncologist. I honestly didn’t have much to say. I knew the nurses would go over the new chemo with me. He asked about my eating and I told him about the pain I had last week. It was a very routine visit… in my opinion… despite the fact I was changing to a new chemo. This chemo is similar to my last one. It has a couple different restrictions and some new possible side effects on top of the usual ones. The top one… fatigue. As you know that’s a new one, MBC. However, it’s supposed to be pretty bad with this chemo. Really? Like how can it be any worse?! Never mind. It can be so I take that back! 

Usually, when I get home from chemo I can eat and have some energy and feel pretty good. It’s usually not until the later part of the week when I start to feel crappy. Today was different. Today I was completely wiped out. My parents and I ordered food. I wasn’t able to eat any. I went to sleep on the couch and was there for a long time. That has never happened with any of the prior chemos I had. I’m curious how I’ll feel tomorrow. I did eat a little something. Veggies and hummus! I also had a few marshmallows. I know! I know! I put them away. LOL Sometimes you just want a fluffy cloud of sugar. I’m going to go wash the hospital off of me and drink water.The nurses were all like hydrate, hydrate, hydrate, hydrate and hydrate more. 

Till tomorrow MBC. 

Sincerely,

Jess

Day 17: "Dear MBC"

October 17, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s been a beautiful weekend here in Chicago. The rain moved out and the sun and cold came in! The sky was blue and the air crisp. Perfect for an outing and one this girl desperately needed. MBC, you keep me inside a lot. Between work, side effects and appointments I’m either home, at the hospital or on an acupuncture table. I get my short walks in… but the one thing that you gift me is fatigue. That’s what I want to talk to you about today. The beautiful weather had me off to the zoo yesterday. It’s something I’d been wanting to do all year. I start a new chemo tomorrow. It’s the end of week three post infusion. It’s when I’m usually feeling my most “normal.” However, I’m not feeling too normal today. Why? Dumb fatigue, MBC! Now, for those of you reading my diary you know tired. Everyone's been tired more than a time or two. So, when cancer patients talk about fatigue caused by treatment and cancer, people might think they can empathize. But this kinda fatigue is not like anything else.

The lethargy I experience with treatment is no surprise. It happened in 2016 as well but not like this. I’m going about my business and then BOOM it zaps what little energy I have. I could just be sitting and it hits. It's like a faithful companion that never leaves my side. It’s concurrent with extreme physical weakness sometimes. Hence, not being able to type this blog last night.

So let’s get back to yesterday. My dad and I get to the zoo. It’s so fun! We walk all over and see the animals. Less than two hours later we’re back at my place. I am dead. Not just fatigued but just … empty. It’s just so frustrating that something so simple is so draining for those with chronic illnesses like you, MBC. I think back to my days of going to the gym and running daily. Will I ever be able to do that again? Less of two hours of walking just laid me up. I checked my Pacer app and it said we walked three miles. I think back to my days fighting cancer in 2016. I was in NYC … which is a walking city. I remember walking in Central Park and still going to spin classes! I’m just unable to do that this time.The fatigue is always there. I take naps but I just don’t wake up refreshed anymore. Hopefully, this new chemo will do its job and I can try to rebuild my strength a bit. 

Every three weeks, the round of chemo robs me of strength and alters my day to day life. Even attempting the tiniest of tasks, like brushing my teeth, showering or making coffee … my body just doesn’t always support me. Not only is fatigue physical but it has emotional side effects as well. When daily objectives revolve around what needs to be done over what doesn’t… well… it just isn’t too exciting. Maybe that’s something I need to work on internally. Flipping the switch to include a bit more fun and normalcy into a non-normal life. I mean it’s not normal to be in pajamas at 5pm on a Sunday but I am. It's not normal to have your eyes closing as you type. I don’t feel bad about it. It is what it is and I’m quite comfy. LOL! I’m just fatigued. My eyes can barely stay open. I am still on “E” for empty. I’m unsure how to refuel but plan to finish my liter of water, try to eat a little something more, have some tea and hit the hay. I have an early and long day tomorrow. You get to meet my new weapon against you, MBC. The new chemo. Pew! Pew! Pew! 

For now… I gotta get off this computer. Till tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Jess

Day 15: "Dear MBC"

 October 15, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s finally Friday! Yaaaaaay! My appetite is good. I worked and went to acupuncture. I got “smoked out” with moxa. That’s what my acupuncturist calls what she and her colleague does with the moxa. Now I’m resting and munching. I am grateful my food tastes somewhat normal and that I’m eating.

What’s not good is how tired and fatigued I am. I’m exhausted because I got no sleep! You know it’s bad when you email your oncology team at 9pm about pain. I was good yesterday. However, after I wrote to you, MBC, this awful pain in my right teres major muscle popped up. Yes. I googled a muscle anatomy picture because I didn’t know how to describe where my pain was. I had felt a dull pain earlier in the evening but didn’t really think much of it. I went to lay down and that’s when it really got bad. I could barely pick up my iPhone! I was in pain. I felt a wee bit better in the morning but I’m still in some pain. I’m curious how I’ll feel when I go to bed tonight. I do believe the acupuncture needles used today helped.

I just never know what you’ll surprise me with MBC. You’ve been a mixed bag the past 30 hours. I am going to have some dandelion tea, shower and hopefully have a nice sleep. 

Till tomorrow MBC.

Sincerely,

Jess

Day 14: "Dear MBC"

 October 14, 2021

Dear MBC,

I don’t have much to say today. I’m really fatigued and have a really sore joint shoulder/armpit area that has me wondering if I slept on it funny or if it’s something else. Overall, it’s been a good day! I actually ate a meal. I’m super happy about that. I had an egg sandwich and hash browns. I know that doesn’t seem like an achievement but with the no appetite and off taste you cause it’s a big deal. It has me worried what kind of side effects my new chemo will cause when it comes to food. This day was good though. I do enjoy this third week before my next chemo infusion. My cycle… as you know MBC… is every three weeks. The first and second weeks are usually a hand toss in terms of how I’ll feel. It’s legit day to day. The third week… especially the later part… is typically when I feel the most “normal.” The fatigue is always just exhausting. Constipation is always something I need to contend with. However, my appetite improves and I just feel a bit “normal.” I can’t explain it. You just make me feel less gross and sick. I appreciate that. I just hope the new chemo wrangles you in and stabilizes you. The changing of chemo not only causes me anxiety but means another treatment failed me. I hope this new chemo attacks the crap out of you. 

I’m calling it a night as my eyes just got blurry and I’ve hit a fatigue wall. Time for some self-care. Till tomorrow MBC. 

Sincerely,

Jess

Day 13: "Dear MBC"

 October 13, 2021

Dear MBC,

Today is Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. It’s raining. I had hoped to go see one of the lovely Chicago buildings lit up in your ribbon colors for #LightUpMBC. However, I’m suddenly really fatigued and seeing double. I’m surprised I’m able to type!

On a positive note… I’m grateful that food was tasting a bit better today… so thank you MBC. Well… hold on. The pizza my mom and I ordered was legit the grossest thing I’ve had in a long time. My mom said it was yummy. I took a bite and spit it out! LOL! It tasted like vomit. Instead I ordered Popeyes. I know… NOT healthy but it’s something. I hadn’t had Popeyes in a decade and the little of it I did eat was good! It gave me joy. I think it gave my mom joy to see me actually eat something I was enjoying. Little did she know the part of the day that gave me the most joy was watching a movie with her. 

On a more serious note I want to talk to you MBC. You don’t only effect me but my friends and family. I hate that you’ve turned my parents into caregivers and constantly have my friends and family worried. I hate that you prevent me from having a normal work life… in an actual newsroom with colleagues who’ve been nothing but supportive and understanding. I hate that you completely overturned my return home to Chicago last year and my final days in NYC.  However, I do thank you for some things. The timing of your return… while awful, inconvenient and stressful…happened at the right time. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. The job opportunity and return home to family, where I have support, was a blessing from above. Also a blessing… the timing of when my lease in NY ended. I don’t think that was a coincidence. You’ve taught me that I can get through anything. It may suck but I can persevere. You’ve taught that I do what I can do and that is good enough.

You also have me thinking about death. While I plan on being around to kick your butt for a long time I know there’s only so much control I have over you. I came up with a “Celebration of Life” plan. I wrote a goodbye poem for my funeral and to post online. I know that’s depressing but you forced my hand. I remember sobbing as I wrote that poem. I laughed too as I’m such a cheeseball. I even got life insurance! To those reading this… don’t worry. I ain’t going anywhere. However, a girl has to plan. Ya know? You probably have a will. Same idea.  

Bottom line MBC…I breathe in your darkness but breathe out golden light. I thank my lucky stars every day I wake up in my own bed in my own apartment. I thank my lucky stars for being able to work. I thank my lucky stars for my friends, family and medical treatments. All these stars light up the darkness as the buildings light up for Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 12: "Dear MBC"

 October 12, 2021

Dear MBC,

You’ve been pretty decent to me today. While you’re still messing up my taste and appetite I actually felt halfway decent. I wasn't too fatigued. I worked. I got all my snail mail out. I got some new Nike’s I ordered and did a happy dance! Seriously, I’m addicted to these specific Nike’s but only buy them on sale. It’s like when you find a favorite shirt so you buy it in different colors. However, mine is with this particular sneaker. I’m weird. I know. I’m finding it’s the little things that happen during my day that bring me joy. Yes, the sneakers are silly but the comfort they bring my feet bring me joy. Watching football with my dad. Sometimes the thing that gives me joy is a good story I find for work. It may sound odd to you but the thought the story might make it to air and bring joy or inform those watching brings me joy. The scent of my candle made me smile today. It was just cozy and anything cozy brings me joy. I ate a waffle and it tasted like a waffle and that brought my joy… especially because the egg sandwich and bagel I previously tried to eat was nastified. 

Living with you, MBC, is challenging and that’s why finding the joy in something every day is so important. You try to beat me down but even on those dark days I can always find at least one thing that gives me joy.

You, MBC, do not give me joy. I just want you to know that. However, you have given me my daily joy journey.

Till tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 11: "Dear MBC"

 October 11, 2021

Dear MBC,

As you know it’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month. For those of us with breast cancer it can be a trigger… especially if you’re Stage 4. Stage 4… I feel… is sometimes glossed over. This is my opinion. I wonder how often oncologists mention it to their early stage patients. I know I wasn’t informed about it back in 2016. Recurrence was brought up when I first met with my oncologist and surgeon. I was told I had a 5% chance my cancer would return after treatment and surgery. Metastatic breast cancer was something I was foolishly oblivious to. I was uneducated about it. It just wasn’t on my radar because I was going to be “ok.” I’m guessing doctors don’t want to worry us with more information when we're already overwhelmed with the news we have cancer at all. Focus on the now and not so much the future if there’s not much of a chance of dying? I don’t know. *shrugs* Regardless of your cancer staging… you're now part of the unofficial Pink Party that nobody wants to go to. However, we are here… together and a community.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month is kinda like a Pink Party. We share stories of survival. We have races and fundraisers. We wear pink. I have my pink clothes. I pick my pink clothing with a purpose. I don’t have much with pink ribbons on it. What I do have has messages. One hoodie says “Fuc*& Cancer.” Another shirt says “Cancer Picked The Wrong Bitch.” I wore that in NYC for the Race for The Cure in 2019. You know what though? My “Don’t Ignore Stage 4” tank has gotten the most wear this October. I have that and a pin with the multi-colored ribbon that represents MBC. Did you know there was a different ribbon for you MBC? I didn’t until I did. It’s a tricolor ribbon. According to metavivor.org 

-The green in the ribbon represents the triumph of spring over winter. life over death.

-The teal symbolizes healing and spirituality

-The thin pink-ribbon overlay signifies metastatic breast caner that originated in the breast. 

Wednesday is Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. #LightUpMBC 

More than 225 landmarks will shine bright in green, teal and pink to bring awareness to Stage 4. Every day people die from you MBC. Statistics show that you kill approximately 40,000 people in the U.S. every year. To those of you reading my diary... get the facts. Check out sites like mbcn.org and metavivor.org Breast cancer awareness without mets awareness isn't awareness at all. Listen to the inspiring stories from survivors and thrivers... like me.

I hope this post encourages people to learn more about you, MBC. I know October means a lot more money donations for the fight against breast cancer. I hope those reading this look into the organizations they donate to, to see where the money goes. Does it go towards MBC research? Does it go towards new trials? Does it go to helping those battling breast cancer with meals or rides? These are all just some of the areas that need funding for research. Research that will one day get rid of all breast cancer… including you MBC.