It’s the New Year and I do apologize for not writing or updating. 2022 has been a challenge to say the least. The new chemo (Two weeks on one week off) was kinda like a jack-in-the-box or a see-saw. One day you’re up… the next you’re down. One hour you’re up… the next you’re down. One weekend I got vertigo unexpectedly. I had been feeling fine after a rough couple of days of not much eating and not functioning. I had done laundry, some light cleaning and then boom! The room began to drop like a see-saw and spin like a top. The woman who cleans my apartment knocked on my door and I just burst into tears. It’s the first time she saw me crying. She was my angel that day.
January was my Birthday month and I found it a struggle to just get into the mood. It was just a rough month as my body tried to figure out the new chemo and schedule. February hasn’t been any easier. I took scans to see if the chemo was working. It wasn’t. My once clear brain scan was lit up again. The positive is that the 7 lesions are teeny tiny! They’re so tiny my neuro oncologist is like let’s wait and see and in the meantime focus on your lungs and the rest of your body.
The cancer in my bones are stable but the rest of my body is not. Scans showed small increases in the lesions in my breasts, lymph nodes and lung.The cough I have… no comment. It’s awful. It’s random. It’s me gasping for air at times. It’s me coughing so hard I gag. It’s not covid. It’s not viral. It’s not pneumonia. It’s likely the cancer but they don’t know. I’ve tried three different prescription cough meds, two inhalers, Claritin, lozenges and tesla pearls. I see my pulmonologist this upcoming week.
This past week is over! Thank goodness. It was hard but victorious. Hard because it was a lot of hospital time. Hard because the unstable scans meant changing chemo… again. It’s my sixth chemo in less then two years. I am grateful because there are still options and because six is my lucky number. I am grateful because they were able to get insurance approval that same day. It meant I could continue to fight with no break. It was a rollercoaster Monday. My dad and I sat in the oncologist’s office as he showed us my images. It showed the mystery in my lung... the lit up spots of white we are trying to dim... the temple this cancer is trying to burn down. This new chemo cocktail is weekly. There is no break. There is hope. One thing I do hope is that I don’t have the crazy side effect I experienced post infusion. Luckily I was still in the chair. However, it really really was painful and sucked. The side effect means I get to say “Hello” again to my old friend dexamethasone. It’s not my favorited steroid. It keeps me up and hot flashing for 24 hours. However, if it prevents that awful side effect from coming back… I’ll take it.
I called this week victorious too. I worked more days then I thought I’d be able to. I also was able to eat more. I saw the goodness in so many people. I mentioned my cleaning lady and how she cared for me. There are so many of you who reach out and just check in… brightening my day and offering support, food and serving up lots of love. There was the nurse who saw me waiting in a cold hallway and randomly offered me a warm blanket and pillow. She told me to just leave them on the chair when I left. I left a “Thank You” note. It touched her. I saw her later and she gave me a big hug. You never know what small thing you do will change a person’s day or mental well-being.
Speaking of which… I’m doing my hardest to be more open about how I’m feeling. I’m one of those people who is like, “I got this!” and slap a smile on my face to the outside world. I’m learning it’s okay to have those days where you just tell people, “I’m not okay. Today sucks but I know tomorrow is a new day.” It’s also okay to cry. I often hold back my tears and just breathe threw the sadness I’m feeling. Why though? Cry therapy is good! Cry away! I used to apologize for crying… knowing it made others feel uncomfortable or sad. People don’t cry because they are weak. Some may feel it’s a sign of weakness. It’s not. People cry because they have been strong too long.The dam broke and the tears flow… releasing the pressure of feeling the need to be “ok.” As I posted on social media earlier this week, “Realize if you didn’t get everything done or right it’s ok. It’s alright. You’re doing your best.” That's all we can ask no matter where we are on this journey in life. To do our best. To keep going. Sending love and light to you all.
