New Year. New Chapter.

 It’s 6am on the Sunday after Christmas. I’m listening to a remaining Christmas “Yule Log” channel. What used to be, at least six channels, is now down to a few. Where did December go? I mean this month flew by. Right? There’s only week left in 2021! I have my “To Do” list for today but taking a moment to reflect on this past year. It’s been a rough one for many of us… but together… we made it through! 

My 2021 list:

Work

Hospitalized

Scans

Whole Brain Radiation

New Chemo

Bronchoscopy

Lung Biopsy

New Chemo

New Chemo

Holiday Cards

Baked

Snuck in a little fun

Did laundry

Blogged

Worked out… mildly

As I look back at all I’ve been though… 2021 brought it. I brought it too though! I still managed to work. I still got my holiday cards out. I still sent smiles. I still blogged. When I look back… I went through a lot and I did a lot. I sometimes beat myself up for what I’m not able to do. The days I’m unable to work (which, thankfully, aren’t too many) riddle me with guilt. The days I can’t move from the bed or couch shock me. I miss frolicking with friends… the boozy brunches full of bloodies… the travel with friends or to see friends. I miss the daily grind. I need to remind myself those times will return to some extent. That’s what I fight for every day. My “new normal” is ever-evolving. We all are navigating an ever-evolving new normal. The pandemic takes us on a rollercoaster every month. Remember, we are all on the ride together. We are buckled up. Speaking of buckling up and rollercoasters… buckle up for this quick health update. 

I had scans this month. It was my first set of scans with the new chemo. I was hopeful. My brain scan had come back great! I wasn’t feeling that bad. Nothing crazy going on. So, my fingers and toes were crossed! Nope. Scans came back. The chemo wasn’t working. So, I started a new more aggressive chemo this past Christmas week. It’s two weeks on/one week off. Previously, it was infusion every three weeks. This new schedule is new for me but I am hopeful. I am grateful there are still options. I am grateful.

I often talk about gratitude. I’m grateful for all of you. I’m grateful for my friends and family… especially my parents who are the unsung heroes of my journey. Every text, card, message, gift and prayer are all things I am grateful for. Those are all gifts to me. They give me hope during moments I feel hopeless. They bring me light in moments of darkness. They are everything to me. 

As we begin our final week of 2021 I want you to grab a glass/mug of whatever you want. I’m grabbing my coffee. Let’s toast to 2022! My wish for you is a happy, hopeful and healthy New Year! Do what brings you joy. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Spread joy where you can. Do your best. Know and accept that that is enough. I toast to your health. I wish for you love and peace. May every night end… and may every day start… with a grateful prayer and a hopeful heart. Take a moment to look around you. You are alive! The gifts that you see.The gifts you can’t see. Don’t let them slip away in the hustle of a busy day. Breathe it all in. Don’t focus on what others are doing. It matters what you are doing. So here’s to 2022 and all you hope to do. 

77/23

 .77 miles and 23 minutes. That may not mean much to you but to me it means the world. Why? This once very active girl hit the gym for the first time since leaving NYC! I hit the treadmill… at a really…. slow… pace. As I listened to my songs on shuffle I looked around and teared up for a hot second. I may not be the woman running quickly on the treadmill in the corner in front of me. I may not be the guy on the Peloton cycling to the beat. I may not be the old me who would be on the elliptical doing an Aaptive workout. What I am is the new me. An ever changing me that ebbs and flows with how my body feels. A new me that is sometimes hard to accept. I don’t know what inspired me to hit the gym. I was avoiding it due to the Coronavirus. That’s the last thing I need to get. However, it’s getting cold in the Windy City and the whipping wind outside whispered, “Do it Jess! Go to the gym and get a piece of you back.” You know what? That’s exactly what I did. As I walked to “30/90” from “Tick, Tick… BOOM!” I reclaimed a piece of me that’s been missing on this cancer journey. A physically active me. A Jess at the gym! For a brief moment I felt a little like my old self mixed in with the new me. It wasn’t the miles that mattered but the moment and the movement forward that did. I took a step forward for those who aren’t physically able to. I took a step forward for the future me. I took a step forward and reminded myself to keep going. 

77/23. Maybe, one day, someone can write a song about those numbers and turn it into a Broadway musical.