Goodbye 2020!

Goodbye 2020! What a year it has been for all of us. We made it though! We are almost there. Congratulations! Let’s give each other virtual high-fives.

We are probably all wondering if the hardships of this year will spill into the new year. 2020 has been filled with a lot of uncertainty and darkness. Many questions are still unanswered for us. Will we achieve our goals? Will we ever return to some kind of “normal?” What will happen to this planet and its’ people? Is the future as dark as what it has been? I say… there is light. 

Whenever you fall into the darkness don’t ever forget what you are capable of. We are all survivors. We are all examples of light to one another. If we can’t support one another and inspire each other to be better people… to choose hope instead of giving into hopelessness… then we’ve lost sight of the light. I am guilty of that. We can each be a source of hope and commit to keeping the flame lit. We can be an example to others who've given up and turned away from the light and are in the dark. 

The new year comes with a new brightness. Hold onto it. Fill yourselves with the possibility of a future that's full of love, light and kindness. 2021 is full of possibility. A new year.  A new chance. A new beginning that so many people won’t get to see due to the Coronavirus. Help illuminate 2021 in honor of those who light up the night sky as the stars they now are… shining their spirits upon the world. 

So, raise your coffee… water… cocktail… or whatever you may be drinking at this very moment. Cheers yourself! Cheers to a New Year! Cheers to the light!

New Week. New Cocktail.

Happy December y’all! Can you believe ’tis the holiday season and it’s nearly over? I hope you are finding the brightness among the darkness of the changes due to the Coronavirus.

I know I’m trying to find the light after what’s been a coo coo for cocoa puffs week. As I sit here in bed… typing this… I am thankful to be in my home and having tea with some candles lit. It’s the first time I’ve been “still” all week. As you know, I was rounding the bases in terms of chemo. My October scans came back “good.” They showed mostly shrinkage and containment. I’d been excited and hopeful to add on cycles 7/8 of chemo and say goodbye to chemo and its’ craptastic side effects. Fast forward to December 11th and this past week. The days have been full of some work… but many emails, phone calls and trips to the hospital for tests. Long story short is that my scan results of my brain and body are back. To say the results were shocking would be an understatement. They still haven’t really set in yet.

You all have been cheering me on from the stands as I’ve been rounding the bases of treatment. Well, I am being held on third base. It looks like home base will have to wait. 

The good news is no cancer in my bone! Yay! More good news is the gamma knife worked and my brain tumor shrank! Yay! The bad news… I have 8 new and tiny lesions that are too small to do anything with in terms of gamma knife. In terms of lymph nodes, breast and lungs… I’ll just say it was a complete 360. The scan showed progression. Boo! In other words, some new spots and growth. This was no what anyone expected. I always knew this was a possibility. However, I just didn’t think this first line of defense would fail so fast. 

I’m starting my second line of defense this week. I’ll continue with one of my targeted therapy infusions. It’s still every three weeks at the hospital. However, I’ll be dumping the first kind of chemo and the other targeted therapy infusion for …. drum roll…. two other treatments. Both are pills and one is chemo. Chemo will be 6 pills daily for 14 days then seven days off. The other is a daily pill that is a new targeted therapy.  My heart sank when hearing this. I thought my chemo days were nearly done. To say I was overwhelmed with this news is an understatement. The idea of monitoring my side effects more closely and timing out pills and meals is just “meh.” Also, starting a new chemo cocktail is always scary. You don’t know how you'll react and what side effects you'll get. You can read all the comments on support groups you want, etc… but everyone reacts differently. I’m also still coming off my original chemo cocktail. I’m not giving myself a break. I just want to keep doing my best to crush this cancer.

At the end of this not great week… I am thankful though. I’m grateful for my health insurance. I am grateful for my parents who have been on this emotional roller coaster with me. I am grateful for all of you cheering me on and showing your support. Team Cancer Crushers rock! I’m holding at third base right now but will slide into home base at some point. For now I’m taking off my helmet and going back to the amusement park. Gotta stop for some popcorn before I see what kind of roller coaster this new cocktail puts me on. Maybe the new cocktail will just put me on the Tilt-A-Whirl… but first popcorn. 

Dear Warriors and Thrivers...

Dear fellow Warriors and Thrivers,

It’s okay. It’s okay to mourn the life you had before cancer. 

Cancer sucks in general… but cancer during COVID really sucks.

Before moving back to Chicago I was excited to return home, start an exciting new job, reconnect with childhood friends, go up to Wisconsin to reunite with other friends and make new ones. I was also looking forward to Door County in the Autumn. COVID took my experiences, and yours, away… for now. We will reclaim our lives bit by bit. It may take longer then expected, but every day let's vow to do something to reclaim a bit of “normal.” For me, this particular day, it was a short stroll.

I went for a walk and scowled at people not wearing masks. I yelled internally, “Don’t you know how hard it is for me to get out for a walk! You’re taking your life, and others, for granted you selfish humans!” It’s hard for people who haven’t gone through chemo to truly understand what it feels like to have this poison run through your veins. You love it and you hate it. It’s going “Pew! Pew! Pew!” to your tumors so you cheer it on. However, it’s legit burning your body… healthy cells as well. The 10 minute walk took a lot of effort and I was in pain after.

My message to all you Thrivers and Warriors is simple. Keep going! It’s hard to keep living life when someone’s lack of respect for your own is always weighing on you. Health is the number one gift. I realized that when I first fought cancer in 2016. People take their health for granted. I’ve been guilty of that too. You’d think COVID would awaken the world to how precious good health is. I think some people are still asleep. While things won’t ever be the same due to the Coronavirus… we all have to adjust to the new “normal.”

To all of you who have your health this next message is for you. Please hear me. I understand you’re finding it difficult to accept your new “normal” too. Thanksgiving is upon us. It is my favorite holiday. No matter how much my extended family and I would love to get together… we are not. Pictures of packed airports and stories of people planning traditional, large, Thanksgiving gatherings are popping up on social media. Let’s all do what we can this holiday season so we can have large gatherings next year. Stay at home. Zoom together. Yes, I know your new normal sucks too! I am sorry for that. However, how much more will it suck if we have to do this again next year. How much will it suck if your Thanksgiving plans get you sick, your loved ones sick or complete strangers sick… or worse cause their death. It will suck. So let’s just suck it up and stay home. 

Sincerely,

Jessica

Find the Fantastic

Happy November everyone! It’s National Gratitude Month! You can thank “Alexa” for that little tidbit.

It’s been a few weeks since I last checked in. I do apologize. I just haven’t been feeling fab. At last check… it was scan time and I was going in for imaging to see if the chemo cocktail is working. They test after Cycle 3. I legit had scanxiety and drove my team coo coo for cocoa puffs checking in for results. I really wanted them before Cycle 4 and before the weekend. Pretty much 48 hours. So something to be grateful for during this National Gratitude Month… scans came back good! Nodules, lymph nodes and tumor either remained the same or shrunk a tiny bit (brain tumor scan is in December). No further cancer had spread! I burst into tears as I read the results out loud to my parents. It had been a stressful week. Besides the scans, I had been extremely irritable. I had started acupuncture in hopes of finding a new way to deal with the side effects of chemo. I had come back from a session just very irritable. If you know me, you know I’m not easily irritable. However, between the chemo and steroids… lack of taste and impending scans… I was a bit of a grouch. I’ve been a bit more stable, in terms of emotions, since then. Cycle 5 is around the corner. After Cycle 6 I’ll have more scans and possibly more chemo. 

In the meantime, I’ve been working from home when I can. Speaking of which… I realized it’ll be the second consecutive Presidential election I’ll be undergoing cancer treatment during. In 2016 I voted before chemo. Weird, huh?! I’m also a bit sad I’ll be missing another Presidential election at work. Cancer kinda crushed that experience. However, there ARE things to be grateful for. 

1. Zen Time I’ve been trying to zen out in the morning before starting my day and getting out of bed. I’m grateful for the influencers on YouTube that start my day off in a “cozy and quiet” way.
2. My Cozy Bed I am grateful I’m in my bed and not a hospital bed. While I may not be healthy, I am mobile and Coronavirus free.
3. My Family and Friends for which are always there for me and cheering me on. You are part of this journey and I am grateful for all of you… especially my parents.
4. Work Thousands are unemployed right now or furloughed. While I may not be there physically, I am grateful for my job and my work family. They have allowed me to both focus on my health and be a contributive part of the team.
5. Good Scans I am grateful for the scans to come back as good as possible. I know I have many, many more scans ahead of me. They may not always come back “good.” So, I am grateful that my treatment remains the same and nothing has spread. 

I’m sure there are things things you are grateful for as well. It’s been a challenging year for us all. Take a moment to think of one thing you are thankful for in your life… at this very moment. Carry that with you throughout the day/night. While things are uncertain, that one thing you’ve thought of IS certain. Every leaf is a flower. Every storm has a rainbow. You may not see it but it is there. Find the fantastic.

A Healthy You

Hi everyone! It’s nearly a week since chemo infusion #3. It’s been a bit rough. Chemo side effects are cumulative. However, I am powering through and resting… a lot! It’s been a crazy week news-wise. Health and COVID-19 continue to be hot topics. Health will remain a trending topic as the seasons change, temperatures dip and flu season sneaks up on us. 

Good health is something many people, I feel, often take for granted. It's autumn and I'm missing all the fun autumn activities. The apple orchards, the pumpkin shopping... the typical fall activities that make this time of year so magical. If you’re dealing with an incurable disease you may understand this a bit more. COVID-19 has many people re-evaluating their health and well-being. You pause to take better care of yourselves. You wash your hands. You wear a mask. Maybe you eat a bit more veggies or bake some yummy sweets. You pay attention to how you feel. You take time for you because you really don’t have much of a choice. You are more aware of your mental and physical health. 

I’m halfway through my chemo and as the side effects accumulate you become grateful for the back stretch you’re able to do. You are grateful when the headache disappears for a moment or vision clears up. You are grateful when something has some taste and you’re fatigued but can actual get up. You are grateful when temperature doesn’t effect your teeth and your back and bone pain eases up. These are little things most of us take for granted because I pray you never have to experience them. These are all symptoms I know are temporary. I’m working on trying to manage them. This goes for the thousands of us battling and thriving with cancer. This goes for all people dealing with incurable diseases. We all have our struggles. It’s how we handle them. Sure, some days are just going to suck. That’s ok. Just know that all days won’t suck. You’ll have good days too and you are not alone.

So my message today is this. Take care of your health and care about those around you. It doesn’t matter if they’re strangers. Their health matters too. They have kids, friends and family who all want them to be healthy and live their best lives as possible. Good health is a blessing. Please take care of yours.

Attitude of Gratitude

You know, cancer is about taking it day by day. Some days are “good” and others are “meh.” I have Cycle 3 of my chemo cocktail tomorrow.

I celebrated the Jewish New Year at my apartment with my parents. We had yummy food… which I couldn’t really taste (insert eye roll). We had some nice family time. I’m grateful for that.

Earlier that week I underwent Gamma Knife “surgery.” I am grateful to be able to have had that option. Many do not.  As I mentioned in my previous post, the doctor at the hospital found a tiny spot of cancer in my brain. I was really nervous about the Gamma Knife. The mask they made me freaked me out. Being “bolted” down to the table freaked me out. Yeah, I just was freaked out. LOL. It wasn’t as bad though! They let me keep my mask and I legit did not hear anything. I had classical music on. A doorbell rang when the procedure was done. However, they did find some suspicious blood vessels they took care of too. I’ll have a scan in three months to see how things looks. 

Speaking of scans… Cycle 3 means I have my first scans coming up since starting treatment! Woo hoo! I’m curious to see how things looks. Are things stable? Did the cancer get worse? I’m hopeful it’s stable and we can continue on with the rest of the cycles. 

I’m grateful for no hospital stay this round. I’m grateful for feeling a bit “normal.” I had energy to cook my parents lunch today! I couldn’t taste it but they said it was yummy. I also did some work from home this cycle! It was extremely fatiguing but great at the same time.

We are all going through a lot during this difficult time in our lives with COVID and the state of the nation. Your trials and tribulations are no less than important than anyone else’s. Remember to keep going. Keep counting your blessings. Keep the hope. It’s a new season. Anything can happen. Sending love and light.

xoxo Jess

 

The Cancer Coaster Returns-Chemo #1

The cancer journey isn’t always as straight forward as a baseball game. You’re not always rounding the bases to get to home plate. Sometimes you have to step off the field and go ride the cancer coaster. If you went with me on my first cancer journey, in 2016, I spoke a lot about the cancer coaster.  Well, that’s what I went on and had to ride again. It pulled into the gate and I buckled up. Chemo. Cycle 1. 

My first infusion is long and normal. I was a bit worried as my first time around I had chemo weekly. Weekly means a lower dose. This time around I am going for Taxotere, Herceptin and Perjeta infusions every three weeks… which means stronger and larger doses. 

I felt just really tired the first night. I went into work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Yay JZ! However, you know those horror movies where monsters grow out of your forehead? Well, that’s what my head felt like Wednesday and Thursday. I also had extreme bone pain and was losing my taste. Those side effects are familiar friends which are just not fun. The other friend who returned to say, “Hi!” was the acne rash. It's just horrifying to look at. Think of your worst breakout as a teen and multiply that by three! Can you picture it? Yup, that was me. That Friday I woke up unable to move and miserable. I called out. For those of you who know me, I like to work. I am not a fan of resting. My goal was to be at work on September 1 for the launch of “News Nation.” That didn’t happen.

Why? Well it all began with what I thought was a UTI. TMI? Oh well. This is what life fighting cancer is like. It’s a side effect and I thought I had one. I worked Monday night but spiked a 100.3 fever. I updated my team and I went in last Tuesday (8/25) to give a urine sample. I went home and legit 20 minutes later they wanted me to come back into oncology triage. The cancer train goes in reverse. Ok. Honestly, I knew that this likely meant an overnight stay. This happened to me at Sloan Kettering. If you ever want to get a good perspective of your health go to an ER or triage area. You see people way worse than you and you go, “Ok. I’m doing ok considering…”  So, triage team thinks I may have appendicitis! Insert my famous eye roll here as the cancer coaster hangs upside down mid-loop. Really? It can't just be a UTI?! I’m wheeled into the scariest ER ever with the most nastified bathrooms... ever. Like I thought the guy next to me was dead! I legit threw out my Nike’s as the bathroom floor was so gross! The coaster hangs for a few hours as I await a CT. Long story short it’s not appendicitis. Everyone yells, “Yay!” I go “Meh.” I kinda wished it was. Getting your appendix removed is an “easy” procedure. You know the recovery. I come down from the loop and am told it’s a common chemo related infection called Neutropenic Enterocolitis. The next five days sucked. That’s how I sum up my 5 day hospital stay. Sucky. I puked. I pooped. I had neuropathy. I was dizzy. I was miserable. I was weak.  A big shoutout to all of you who cheered me on and a BIG thank you to my parents. I would not have survived without them. My parents are the real heroes in this story. The whipping roller coaster slows down and I am finally released from the hospital late Monday.

Tuesday was Sept 1. There was no way I was able to go in. I sobbed at least four times that day. I was missing television's version of Broadway’s Opening Night. I want to pull the break on the cancer coaster here. A massive, "Thank you," to my News Nation family who went above and beyond to make me feel included on this special day for the team. You have all been so supportive and loving and I am so very grateful and appreciative for every text, Team’s message, and lovely flowers. I know some of you are reading this. Thank you.

The rest of the week was a blur. It was full of puking and appointments. I felt like absolute garbage. My mouth sores went away but were replaced with Sahara Desert dryness. I couldn’t sleep. I found out my cancer had spread to another part of my body. More on that in another blog. However, please know the treatment is 95% effective and the tumor tiny. 

I wrote this post in my mind over 4 days as I was too tired to type. Today is the day before cycle #2 of my cancer kicking cocktail. I still feel fatigued but less garbage-like today. I’m resting and enjoying being able to type this out before putting the computer back down and shutting my eyes. The brake on the cancer coaster is released and my car pulls into the gate. I get off and pick up my bat. Gotta gather strength and step back into the batting cages and swing.

Chemo Sucks

 Hi everyone! This will be short but I wanted to update you. I had my first chemo infusion this past Monday. It went great! My parents and friends were wonderful. Cycle 2 is next month.

Chemo is something you love to hate as a warrior. You love it because it hopefully kills the cancer. However, chemo is like a bag of not cool Halloween tricks. It was the part of treatment I despised the most in 2016. Now, I remember why. Nearly a week after infusion its’ kicked my ass a bit. The acne/rash on my face and chest is horrifying to look at. It’s painful, pussy and just nasty. I thought it would improve after a few days but nope… just worse. I read it means the cocktail is working but good lord! It’s just not cute. My head still hurts but no longer feels like The Elephant Man. The first few days after chemo it legit felt like a human being was growing out of my forehead. Now, it is just is a dull pain. I’ll take it. The fatigue is there. The first time I went through chemo I had it weekly and not every three weeks. I didn’t expect fatigue … yet. The bone pain was full throttle Tuesday-Friday. I mean, yuck. I’d rather have pain than itchiness though. Friday I had hopes of going into work. I had worked Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I woke up and new I just couldn’t move. Everything hurt. My rash/acne was getting worse. I was running to the bathroom. I couldn’t move. I was in bed most of the day and night. Oh, and my taste is off. *insert eye roll* 

Chemo just sucks… it’s just temporary. I hope tomorrow I’ll hear from my team about some topicals for this ugly rash/acne. I’ll likely work from home for the first time.  The idea doesn’t excite me. However, the fact that I have a supportive work family and can work from home is a blessing. 

I just ordered some groceries. You can never go wrong with ice cream and mac cheese. 

As I wind this up I want to acknowledge that I know I am lucky. Thousands of people don’t have health insurance and are unable to afford treatment. I have an amazing support group in friends and family. I have a work family that’s been nothing but supportive. I just need to keep going.  

The Day Before

The day before. The day before what you ask? Chemo! Let’s catch you up. I had my port placement Friday! I was super excited to get my “Power Port” since last time I kicked cancer’s booty I didn’t have one.

Needless to say… the excitement of the port wore off when I realized the amount of pain I was in. Good lord! I expected some pain and a lot of discomfort. Instead I just got pain! I’ve been taking Tylenol and it helps a tiny. However, it’s been a few days of not much sleep and pain. In the end I know it’ll be worth it and the pain is temporary. I know my "Power Port" will be fabulous. 

In the meantime, I started my pre-meds for chemo tomorrow. That’s right. I’m warming up my swing!  The Wizard gave me my cocktail. I’ll have Docetaxel, Herceptin and Perjeta together for 6 cycles every three weeks. After the third cycle we will see if it’s working. I’m feeling alright about the combo. I’m just ready to get started and hope I have zero allergic reactions. The drug is in a similar family to the Taxol (boo) that put me through two allergic reactions in 2016. The infusion team says I’ll be okay. 

I’m doing pretty good mentally. I had a moment of like 5 minutes of sobbing last night. Nothing really sparked it. I just had a moment. So, what does a gal do to cheer herself up. I can’t workout or bend over so I got a mani/pedi! Now I’m back home just chilling. Gotta be ready for my turn at bat! Thank you again everyone in the stands. Remember to social distance. Speaking of which… my COVID test came back negative.

I hope YOU all are doing well. Be your own advocate and take care of YOU. As my friend Scott messaged me, “You are ImPORTant.” Get it? It made me LOL and smile.

“Health is the greatest of God’s gifts. Every day we’ve been granted it hangs on a thread as fine as a spider’s web… and the smallest thing can make it snap. Leaving the strongest of us helpless in an instant. And in that instant hope is our protector…”  

The Batting Cages

The batting cages. I am in them but on the bench. When we last spoke I was hanging on The Drop Zone… dangling 75 feet in the air. Well, the ride has since ended. Yippee! I had to get off to have my lymph node biopsy Monday. 

I knew deep down my cancer had spread. I was just waiting for the confirmation. For the next 48 hours I sat on the bench and practiced my swing.

It’s Wednesday. My phone rings. It’s not a PA calling this time. It’s my surgeon on the other end of the phone. The cancer has spread to my lymph nodes. There are also two tiny spots on my lungs, but the spots are so small they can’t determine what they are. What they do know is that the cancer in my lymph nodes is my breast cancer. Confirmation. I have Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer. It’s not curable but it is treatable. 

It’s finally time to get into the game! Chemo is up next. I’ll be on deck Tuesday when I meet with my oncologist. He’ll come up with the game plan and then I’ll be at bat.

I’m not alone in the cages. The metal stands behind me are full of friends, family and colleagues. They are all cheering team Cancer Crusher on. They may be spectators but they are the true MVP’s.

One more thing. Some of you know my tumor has a name. My tumor’s name is Dorothy because she looks like a tornado. Get it? Dorothy like in The Wizard of Oz! The lymph nodes are those obnoxious flying monkeys. Anyway… I’m off to meet the Wizard Tuesday and will keep you posted. 

The Drop Zone

As a kid my friends and I would go to Great America. We’d ride the coasters, water rides anything that spins. Once in a while we’d ride something called The Drop Zone. I’ve never been a fan of those rides. You’re strapped in… hoisted over a 100 feet into the air… then plummeted at a high speed back down… sometimes stopping in the middle. Ummm. Yeah. No. 

That’s how this week has been for me. As you probably know I had my cat scan on Monday. It had been postponed due to a prior allergic reaction I’d had during a previous scan. After 13 hours of allergy prep I went in ready to rumble. I drank the mocha flavored sludge and the scan was over in 5 minutes. Yes. 5 minutes! LOL! If only scan results could come that fast, right? 

After a couple of days I checked in with my breast surgeon’s office via email. I was still awaiting bone scan results from the previous week. They had to be back, right? 

My phone rings. The Drop Zone begins to fall and I holler in delight. The good news. The bone scan was clear! I was soooo happy. Victory! Then the words, “I have some not great news about your CT scan. We found an abdominal aortic dissection in your abdomen. I need to call vascular for a second opinion but you could be bleeding internally and get ready to go to the ER.” The Drop Zone screeched to a hard halt mid drop. I wish I could have seen the look on my face because it was probably the “WTF” luck. Long story short. I didn’t have to rush to the ER. However, the PA made it very clear that any symptom I have could be a sign I’m bleeding internally and I could die fast. I took a breath and was like, “Well that’s meh. What else can you tell me about the scan?” Turns out I have quite a few enlarged nodules and lymph nodes in my chest and above my collar bone. This did not shock me. I mean the number of them did, but the news itself was what I figured it would be. Not the best news. Could be worse. I need a biopsy.

The next day was spent working and making appointments ASAP. The PA emailed back asking, “How are you feeling today? Quite a bomb I dropped on your lap yesterday. Now that you’ve had a little time to process can I do anything to help?” That’s very kind of you, but no thank you. You’ve freaked me out! I’m dangling 100 feet in the air holding on for dear life… thinking every pain I have is me bleeding to death and not knowing it! Thanks. LOL. I spent the next 48 hours asking myself, “Should I go to the ER?” It’s hard knowing what pains, etc go with what health woe. Is it just the breast cancer causing what I’m feeling? Maybe it’s the enlarged lymph nodes and nodules? Is it the dissection? It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t just me on The Drop Zone. It was my family and small group of friends I had told! They were, and are, rock stars for checking in on me constantly and just cheering me on. Thank you! (You know who you all are)

Friday was the day. We were meeting with the vascular surgeon. I was already told my mastectomy was likely going to be put on hold until we figure out what was going on… that chemo would likely be up to bat first.

My parents and I arrived at the hospital and waited… and waited. My vascular surgeon had been called into emergency surgery. Finally, he came in. The Drop Zone begins to fall and suddenly jolts to a halt… again. It’s not an abdominal aortic dissection! It was a misdiagnoses! It’s something called a “web” that I likely may have had all my life. I did a strong internal eye roll and let out a tiny sigh of relief that it was nothing. My parents were over the moon as well. I think we were all prepping for a surgery. 

So, where am I today you ask? I am dangling about 75 feet on The Drop Zone. I am emotionally exhausted… not feeling fab physically… but doing a happy dance. My biopsy is Monday. I’m trying to enjoy my view from The Drop Zone. Everything looks so small, pretty and peaceful. I hope by the end of the week there is a plan. The fact that there is no plan gives me more anxiety. What is next for me? I don’t know. I do know that I’m ready to get off The Drop Zone and into the batting cages.

Wait. Hope. Pray. Crush!

There’s nothing worse then "scanxiety." Well there is… but you know what I mean. Well…hopefully, you don’t. Today was scan day. Some additional suspicious findings were discovered in a recent MRI so a bone scan and CT was on tap for today. I can’t describe how it feels when you’re going into a day where tests will reveal if your cancer has spread. I am a positive person, but honestly, my sunny disposition was a bit overcast as I walked into the hospital. I just have a feeling. I hope the feeling is wrong.

Loooong story short, CT scan will be happening Monday. I checked in, waited and drank the nastified stuff. Then they were like, “Sorry. You had an allergic reaction to contrast before. You have to do a 13 hour allergy prep before we perform the CT.” My heart sank. There is nothing more frustrating then when something occurs that is completely avoidable. Why was there no phone call prior to the appointment asking if I had a previous reaction?! Why did they wait until AFTER I drank the janky cocktail?! Actually, the concoction wasn’t so bad. It was coffee flavored. However, It did make me feel bad. I was not amused. However, I pulled my big girl pants up and got it settled within 30 minutes… ordered the meds I need and rescheduled the scan. *A shout out to my dad who walked to get them for me.

The good news is that my loooong day ended with my body scan. The body scan is a bit more complex and time consuming so I am glad that is over. Now… I wait. I wait for the results for the bone scan. I wait for my CT. I wait for those results. I wait. I rest. I pray. I hope. Why? Cause this girl is going to crush cancer whatever the scans reveal. 

And the results are ...

Hi friends! How are you? *waving through the screen* It’s been a tiny bit. A week or so… no? At last check I was about to start work, waiting for movers and scheduled for an MRI. 

Well, work has started. Everyone has been great! As we all know, starting a new job can be a tiny overwhelming and exciting. It’s been both. 

The movers came! I’m missing two boxes and they damaged some items. I wish you could see my “not shocked” face, and eye roll, through the computer screen. I also spent my first night at the apartment last night. Furniture has been ordered and today is WiFi/Cable/deliveries day. Yippee! I’m currently writing this from my bed… which looks out to the beautiful Lake Michigan.

I did have my MRI. I finally got my results Friday, along with the long awaited FISH test. As expected, I’m HER2+.   However, the MRI came back with some suspicious lymph node findings. It’s not the best news. I’m hoping it’s nothing but preparing for it’s something. I have a bone scan and CT scan later this month. I also have my pre-op prior to that as well. Things are moving. The cancer coaster keeps going. I'm buckled in and holding on.

I just realized something! There is one month until my double mastectomy! Yes! Get this cancer out. This also means I should probably buy my wedge and some button down tops and comfy bottoms for recovery. I can hopefully test my newly minted WiFi later with some of that shopping.

Overall, my spirits are high. I’m really tired lately… but who wouldn’t be. I’m grateful for my family and friends who have helped so much and been so supportive. I’m grateful for all of you too. While many things are unknown… there are are some things I do know. I know I will conquer this and that I am loved. What more can you ask for? Whatever unknowns you are facing #KeepGoing and know you are #NotAlone. 

Double or Single?

June 29, 2020

It’s a new week. In one week I start my new job! Yippee! I’m really looking forward to meeting everyone and learning about the new show I’ll be working on. I’m also excited about going back to work. 

Let’s focus on this week though. This week… I get keys to my new apartment and an MRI. I’m also waiting to hear if my movers will ever show up. *insert eye roll*  You’d think a cancer diagnosis from a client would light a fire on their booties… but radio silence. I know they find me annoying… continually pushing them to get my belongings out of storage in NJ, onto a truck and here to Chicago. I mean it’s just cancer right? LOL. Speaking of which… double or single.

Double or single is the question I left off with in my last post. I had just met with both my surgeons. They both suggested that only my right breast go. My tumor is in my right breast. However, I talked to some warriors who went through mastectomies. I also did some online research. My gut told me to do both. I am still waiting for a test result and do have that upcoming MRI Thursday. However, I don’t feel the need to wait to hear what those results are. I want both my breasts gone. Not only will it give me peace of mine cancer-wise, but reconstruction wise I think the new boobies will be better off as a pair. I updated both surgeons today about my decision. I thought the decision might be hard. However, for me, it wasn’t. Bigger risk… but hopefully bigger reward. In an odd way, I’m looking forward to getting rid of the boobs. I’m looking forward to cutting out the cancer.  I’m looking forward to my new normal…as we all try to adjust to a new normal amidst the pandemic.

Consult Time

June 25, 2020

Type “Cancer” into any search engine and hundreds of web pages will pop up for you to peruse. There is a lot you can find online about cancer.  However, I haven’t found a lot about recurrent cancer. YouTube was such a massive help to me the first time around. Finding influencers who were thriving in their own fight against breast cancer encouraged, informed and inspired me. Maybe I’m not looking in the correct places, but I’m not finding much about the second time around. I hope that means there’s not so many of us who have had to kick cancer’s ass twice! For that reason, I’m taking you on my journey. I hope this blog will inspire you and remind you that you aren’t alone. In whatever journey you are on… cancer… life… love… that this blog will inspire you to keep going and always find the light in the darkness.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way let’s get you up to date. I have chosen (at this point) not to post on social media what is going on with my health. I moved to Illinois and am currently camped out at my parents condo in Evanston. I get keys to my apartment, in Chicago, July 1. Yes! The background check finally came back (insert happy dance here) Due to COVID-19 it took three weeks to get the check back! I still don’t know when the movers are coming. Please don’t get me started on that (insert eye roll). However, I will tell you never ever go with a moving broker. Speaking of moving… let’s move on to this cancer I’m going to kick to the curb.

The day after learning my cancer was back I was on the phone. My final day in NYC was me on the phone and email with Sloan Kettering and Northwestern Memorial Hospital. My plan… to get appointments with the oncologist and surgeon before I start work on July 6. Why you ask? Well, I wanted to have some sort of idea of what I was dealing with before telling my new employer. Talk about awkward. I just knew I didn’t want to start day 1 at work dropping a bomb… and dropping a bomb with not much info other than, “I have cancer.” 

So let’s fast-forward to June 25. My mom and dad drive me down to Prentice Women’s Hospital fo meet my surgeon. Yes, I was able to get an appointment pretty quick. However, not all my slides where there. For those of you recently diagnosed with cancer, and was done so not at the hospital you are going for surgery or treatment… note to self. You will be stressed as getting the pathology, etc. It is not as easy as it sounds. I spent most of my time from the 22nd up until the 25th following up with Sloan Kettering and trying to get Northwestern Memorial what I had to them. I wanted to ensure my surgeon would be able to make an informed decision with as much of the information as she could. I am still waiting FISH results and Northwestern is still awaiting pathology slides. 

My parents couldn’t be with me at the appointment due to COVID-19. However, the surgeon allowed them to join the consult on FaceTime. No big surprises here. I figured mastectomy and chemo. However, the “keep the nipple” and “do you want to keep both boobs” were two things I hadn’t thought of. She suggested just do a single mastectomy. She also suggested nipple sparing surgery as I was a good candidate. I told her I’d have to to think about the double vs single mastectomy but that “Yay!” nipple. The only bad thing about the consult was that I had hoped to have surgery in July. The new show I’m working for launches September 1. I figured get it out of the way and the cancer train could move on. However, surgery is now in August. Speaking of surgery… I met with my plastic surgeon. I didn’t quite expect that at all, but was grateful he squeezed me in. Unlike the surgeon, I was not so prepared for this consult. He suggested reconstruction (which I had planned) no nipple and also one boob. Due to my prior radiation, he also brought up the latissimus flap reconstruction. I decided “no nipple,” and add the add-on. I mean, I wish it was like an add-on you get at a nail spa. Sure! I’ll add on a massage to the pedicure. This… not so much. However, if it gives me peace of mind that the implant will take… I’m all for it.

So now… decision time. Will it be a single or double? And no, I’m not talking liquor. 

The Big "C"

June 18, 2020

It’s nearly 2am on Thursday, June 18th. I can’t sleep. My biopsy site hurts. I’m nauseous and have a headache. In less than 24 hours movers will be here to pack up my NYC apartment. That is not why I can’t sleep. My cancer is back. It’s in the same breast. It’s slightly larger and hopefully by the time I leave The Big Apple Saturday, I’ll know what kind of cancer it is. Is it same? Is it different? Has is spread? That answer will come in scans I have to take before I start my new job on July 6. Oh yeah. Did I mention that? I start a new job in a little over two weeks. It’s hard enough to get a cancer diagnoses during any time. It’s crazy during a Pandemic, a move to a new city and a new job transition. I have to find a new team and for that… I am grateful my current team at Sloan Kettering will help find me some doctors. 

Let’s rewind to  the following Friday. I head into my mammogram appointment at Sloan Kettering Memorial Cancer Center. For those of you who don’t know…I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2016. This mammogram was a follow up to one in March. I had found a lump near the scar of my lumpectomy site. It was determined to be scar tissue. So, as you can imagine… I didn’t expect this mammogram to be any different than the other follow up mammograms and ultrasounds I’ve had since 2016. 

However, you know it’s never a good sign when during the ultrasound… the radiologist pulls out a ruler. My heart sank a little but I tried to stay positive. I never have had much scanxiety. Now, it was slowly seeping in. I tried to talk myself into the reasoning that the ruler was out to compare the current image to the one in March.  I put on my t-shirt and waited. 10 minutes later the same radiologist came in… with a doctor. Again, not a good sign. Turns out it was suspicious. The usually clear scan was not. It was time for a biopsy. 

On June 16th I went in bright and early for the procedure. Already, it was a busy week. I was moving and trying to get my background check results on the apartment I had applied for in Chicago. The biopsy went well. They told me I’d hear back by the end of the week. As I waited for the movers … in what was already a frustrating day for me (don’t ask LOL)… my cell rang. It was the same doctor. Good news. Results are in. Bad news. The cancer was back. I legit couldn’t believe it. I partly didn’t believe it because my team gave me a 5% chance of recurrence. Then I freaked out. Now, on top of all the blessings of moving to Chicago, a new job and a new apartment… this nasty thing called cancer had to show up uninvited to the Welcome Home party. I just thought to myself, “Seriously? WTH!”  I called a friend  sobbing and then quickly got myself together as the movers arrived. Cancer would have to wait… for now.

Winds of Change

Everything happens for a reason. I am true believer of that. 

8 years ago I came to New York to fulfill a dream of working in The Big Apple. It took years of hard work, “no’s” and determination to get to ABC. I left a good job I enjoyed in Chicago to try something new in television. I am so grateful for the people I have met, the challenges I have faced, the friendships I have made and the new skills I have learned. I am forever grateful for my parents who helped make this dream possible with their love and support. However, it is time to go. You know… when it’s time to go. You just know. That time has arrived for me… in the middle of a pandemic. LOL While leaving during this crazy time is bittersweet… I’m looking forward to being closer to family, back in the Midwest (with central air!) and to the adventure and challenge that’s ahead of me. 

I am returning to “Chicago’s Very Own,” to be part of News Nation on WGN America. This new 3 hour national program, launching September 1, has a goal of straight-forward, straight down the middle news without the debate and opinion you might see elsewhere. The vision of News Nation leaders for how to present the stories that effect you and me is partly what attracted me to this opportunity. I can’t wait to see it evolve and grow and share it with you. 

You know, I worked at WGN before I came to NYC. I had just finished a wonderful three year contract at WISN in Milwaukee. WGN was my first non line producing job. It was fun to learn  something new with great people. I then learned something new when I started on the Regional Desk at ABC. Now I get to take that experience with me back home to Chicago! My current job has prepared me for my future job. Funny, huh? It has all come full circle. The winds of change are blowing me back to The Windy City.

New York will always be special to me. It’s where I beat cancer. It’s where I saw my dream become a reality. It’s where my love of Broadway was reignited. It won’t be goodbye. It’s, “See you later!” As King George sings in Hamilton the Musical, “I’ll be back.” But, for now… it’s time to move forward. To keep going. Change is exciting and scary. You have to remember to live life fearlessly. As Robin Roberts said, “Why would you let fear keep you from your destiny.”