The Gift of You

Good morning! Merry Christmas Eve to all of you celebrating! I don’t celebrate Christmas but I do celebrate the gift of another year. Today begins the final week of 2017. Can you believe it!? I can’t! 2017 went way too fast… just like this holiday season. As I wipe the sleep away from my eyes and brew some coffee, the cold brisk air coming in from outside has me thinking and reflecting. 

2017 was a year of adjustment for me. I wrapped up my major cancer treatments in August. Adjusting to life after cancer has been, and continues to be, a journey. “Some days you wake up and feel amazing. Other days you wake up and don’t know if you ever felt okay in the first place. That’s okay! You’re in recovery,” one friend said. Everyday, I remember that simply waking up is a gift. A young woman I know isn’t waking up today. She lost her fight against cancer last week. Her emotional memorial service was yesterday. She spread light, hope and faith. She was one of the people who inspired and cheered me on during my fight. She was a gift. 

We are all gifts. Your family is a gift to you. You are a gift to them. As you unwrap presents remember that the biggest gift is you and what you put out into this world. If you are struggling…remember you are a gift from God. You are not alone. You matter. What you do matters. The kind of energy you radiate into the universe matters. Your actions on social media … on the street … in person...everyday… matter. You matter to those blessed to have you in their lives. Why? You are a gift that cannot be duplicated. 

Happy Holidays to you all! 

The Silent Prayer of a Sincere Heart

“May we be inspired by the Jewish tradition’s message that each of us has the potential to renew our lives in meaningful ways, repair that which is broken, and together, build a world of justice and peace. Jewish tradition demands that we live exemplary lives of hope and kindness, stepping in to the breach and shining the light of goodness where there is darkness. In the spirit of this season we pray for peace and safety for everyone.”

A Rabbi wrote that. I found that in one of my older blogs and remembered just how much it struck a chord with me. It still does. As most of you know, it’s the time of year Jews atone and reflect on the previous year. Speaking of previous… let me rewind to yesterday.

Yesterday, as I jogged through Central Park and took in its’ beauty I reflected. I stopped as the leaves sprinkled down from the towering trees that have called Central Park home for decades. Trees that have been there before I was even born. The leaves reminding me of what I was going through this time last year. This time last year I was in my old apartment going through chemo. I could barely walk. Yesterday, I ran nearly two miles. As the leaves fell… each one represented something to me. 

The Torn Leaf -A battle won but never forgotten and a fight that continues for so many.

The Gold Leaf-Hope. Hope because there’s always a golden glimmer of it. There’s hope in the golden rays the sun shines upon us every day.

The Green Leaf (that probably should be dangling in the air)-Regret for things I haven’t done but am lucky enough to still be able to do.

The Red Leaf-My desires. 

I looked at those leaves and found myself crying in the middle of Central Park. The last time I cried in Central Park I had just taken the, “You have cancer call.” This year the tears were of a different kind. I wiped them away… texted a fellow warrior… breathed in the blue sky… said “Thank you” and ran home.

I know this is a time for forgiveness but it’s a time to be grateful as well. I’m grateful for who I am…. the journey I am on… and the ability to ask for the forgiveness—the forgivness that thousands of fellow Jews are also asking for.

G’mar Hatimah Tovah

To those I may have wronged,

I ask forgiveness.

To those I may have helped,

I wish I had done more.

To those I neglected to help,

I asked for understanding.

To those who helped me,

I thank you with all my heart…

Remember to love each other. Show compassion for each other and lift each other up. Remember God hears even the silent prayer of a sincere heart. 

Ben Platt's Picture Perfect Night

If you hadn’t heard of Ben Platt before today, you will now. The Los Angeles native who played the prince in Cinderella, “in a blue sequined vest at the age of six,” is now the prince of Broadway. “Oh my God!” he mouthed moments after he nabbed the Tony for Best Actor in a Musical for Dear Evan Hansen. “Holy Crap! Ok! This is a Tony! Hello! Ok! Ok!” he shockingly told the audience Sunday night. While Platt was in disbelief, the first Tony nomination and win for the 23-year-old was not unexpected. Shot full of adrenaline, Platt went on to thank everyone from his physical therapist to his brother-in-law who was home watching his “edible, edible nephews.” Speaking of eating... the Tony audience gobbled up his performance of "Waving Through A Window." 

Dear Evan Hansen is a show about an awkward high school student whose social status is transformed by a blooming lie following a tragedy. The story deals with bullying, teenage suicide and the perils of social media. “Everyone has a bit of Evan Hansen in them,” the newly minted Tony winner told the press after his speech. “I hardly remember what I said,” said Pratt. I remember though. The Picture Perfect star ended his speech with these words for young people:

“Don’t try to be anybody but yourself. The things that make you strange are the things that make you powerful.” 

A picture perfect message on a picture perfect night for Ben Platt.

National Cancer Survivors Day

It’s June 4th and it’s National Cancer Survivors Day! It’s meant as a day to celebrate survivors and inspire those recently diagnosed to show them you CAN. You CAN do this! 

So, Happy National Cancer Survivors Day to all you fighters and fellow survivors out there. YOU are some of the strongest people I know. YOU inspire. 

To those warriors cancer took from us. Your fight is never forgotten. YOU are never forgotten. You are here with us every day. To the cheerleaders who threw us into that basket toss so we could fly when we couldn’t… Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! We could not have done it without YOU!

The fight isn’t over until we find a cure. To the researchers, scientists and doctors around the globe tirelessly trying to find a cure … You CAN. You WILL. Thank you. There is a CAN in CANcer. 

Now, let’s celebrate! 

A Journey Interrupted: Etiquette and The Great White Way

When I think about Broadway I think of these words: Magical, transformative, community, inspiring, storied. When I think about some of the people who attend Broadway shows I think of these words: rude …well... just rude. Never, “In My Dreams,” had I ever thought I’d have an urge to write this kind of blog post. However, here goes my mini-rant about just some of the audience at today’s matinee of Anastasia.

*Phones. Yup… the use of cell phones was alive and well. Why are you at a show texting and reading your mail?! WHY? Is it really that urgent?! Do you really think nobody can see the bright iPhone screen? Put your phone away and stop texting OR taking pictures. Yes. One person snapped photos and I just wanted to yell “Put the phone down and enjoy the performance! Live in the moment not through your screen!” “Learn To Do It.”

*I understand that people need to get up and leave during a show for various reasons. They need to use the restroom. They need to stretch their legs. Whatever. It’s totally understandable. However, to get up in a middle of a number is just … rude. Not just any number but “Journey to the Past.” Like come on? “Stay, I Pray You!” Even the person behind me audibly sighed. I just don’t understand getting up mid-number unless you’re having some kind of medical emergency. 

*Eating. Don’t get me started. This is what I heard during “Paris Holds the Key (To Your Heart)…. crinkling of multiple plastic wrappers. Not just one moment of crinkling. The whole track had crinkling over it. Would you do that during an entire work meeting? I don’t think so. 

*Leaving during curtain call. I think it’s horribly rude to leave during curtain call. The musicians, crew, actors all just worked their butts off to give you their best performance. The least you can do is give them the round of applause they deserve. How would you feel if that happened to you? It’s just rude. One lady was like “I gotta get to the Stage Door!” I get it, but seriously?” (I did write a blog about stage door etiquette a few years ago. Here’s the link http://theworldaccordingtojaz.blogspot.com/2013/03/sharpie-smackdown.html

Needless to say… a majority of people who go to the theatre are polite and quiet. There is no question about that. If you’re reading this, my grievances are probably not directed to you. My point is this. You paid a decent amount of money to enjoy a Broadway show. The person sitting in front of you did too. Some people travel across the world to see a show.The actors, musicians, stage hands, etc…. all have worked countless of hours and work 8 days a week to tell you a story and bring you some Broadway magic. I’d really love to “Close the Door” on the discussion of theatre etiquette.

A Moment In Manchester

“When I was a boy & I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me…”Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” -Fred Rogers

It’s the morning after of the attack in Manchester. Last night work was abuzz with feeds, pictures, press conferences and phone calls. “Was it just balloons popping?” “Was it an attack?” “What are we hearing?” Then… the unraveling of the knot of questions as answers began to trickle in. Our hearts sank. While I don’t directly cover international news, we all know the news in cities across the world effects everyone. An attack on innocent people is an attack on all humanity. It is the stories after the unthinkable… threading its way into my work email… that reminds me why I do what I do. The hope. The helping. The community. The coming together. Those are the stories that need to be told too. The quote at the top is from Fred Rogers. I used to watch Mr. Rogers Neighborhood as a child. Some of those people at Manchester Arena were kids. Their innocence and lives changed in an ugly act of violence. I pray they’re able to take the beauty away from the acts of kindness they witness in the days to come. Those are the stories I like to tell. The stars that are seen in the darkness. The people who are helping. 

An Ode To Mom

Thank you for being there and saying you care

For cheering me up when a boy I liked didn’t care

Thank you for the words of advice you think I don’t hear

For cutting me slack when I don’t understand Shakespeare

Thank you for picking on what I wear

It’s just another sign that you care

Thank you for making sure I know I always feel loved

It warms my soul, like an Ugg winter glove

Thank you for driving me city to city

This as I pursued a career with my sidekick kitty

Thank you for getting my Cabbage Patch Kid

Don’t think I forgot, what you did.

Thank you for teaching me Hebrew in school

Even though I broke rules and wasn’t your star pupil

Thank you for leaving me voice messages every night

For reminding me to shine in my own spotlight

This poem could go on and on … cause mom… you’re the best around

To all mothers in every town

You all deserve a diamond crown

So sons and daughters if you’re reading this

Call your mom or giver her a kiss 

Happy Mother’s Day

Almost There

Guess what day it is? My one year Cancerversary! I’m not married… yet. Where are you Prince Charming?! I like a good celebration… so dang it… I’m celebrating an anniversary! On this day last year I heard those three years. “You have cancer.” This year, I’m turning the frown I had last year upside-down and turning it into one big Cheshire Cat smile! 

One year later I am done with surgery. I am done with chemotherapy. I am done with radiation. I am done with physical therapy. I have two more Herceptin infusions to go and many years of hormone therapy ahead, but I Wished Upon a Star and now I See The Light. I was talking to someone at the hospital this week when they asked what I learned over the year. One sentiment I did take away you can find in a song in the Disney movie “Moana.”

There comes a day

When you’re gonna look around

And realize happiness is where you are

Whenever I feel something negative begin to drown me I take a deep breath and remember where I am. I am not in the same place I was last year. Ask me what my priorities in life are now and they are different. Now my daily activities reflect what is important to me. I’ve always been a lover of “the little things.” Now I’m so much more deeply in love with those things. The “bless you” after I sneeze by a random stranger. The “like” of a Tweet I posted. The taste of food. I realize the happiness of where I am at that moment. It doesn’t have to be a good moment. It could be that some boob just bumped me over on the subway platform to catch a train. I pause, roll me eyes, take a deep breath and re-set my reaction. I can create happiness. I am responsible for my happiness. My thinking is no longer of annoyance, but of gratitude … thankfullness that I’m standing on that subway platform to be knocked into and not bedridden with chemo caused fatigued. 

Being happy is healthy. Being happy takes courage. That said, I’m on my way to the Happiest Place on Earth! I’m marking the milestone by going to Disney World with a dear friend. I haven’t been able to take a vacation for over a year. I’m putting on my Hakuna Matata hat and… as I wrap this post up… reminding you to think happy. As a wise fairy said, "All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust."

Yom Tov

It’s Monday! Happy Monday everyone. It should be. However, I woke up this morning with tears on my cheek and a pocketful of anxiety. Oy vey! So, I said “Screw you anxiety!” I took a few deep breaths and hit snooze. This was not how I wanted to start the beginning of my favorite Jewish holiday… Passover! I wanted to re-set this day and the tone of it. So, 8 minutes later my alarm went off again and I’ve decided to start it with an F(#)!% You to anxiety, a cup of tea, a handful of Dark Chocolate Powerberries from Trader Joe’s and a trip to a spin class I haven’t been to since my chemo days. Take that anxiety! 

Passover is my favorite Jewish holiday. I have so many fabulous memories of my grandma, Seder and my family just having a blast over our abbreviated Haggadah. I usually am home for the first night of Passover. This year I will be at work. Last year (Passover was later in April) I was stepping out of O’Hare airport and onto my new path as a newly (less than 24 hours new) diagnosed cancer patient to celebrate the holiday with my family. I’m a bit annoyed that cancer has screwed with my happy Passover memories. So, I’m making this Monday a marvelous one and this first night a celebratory one. I’m allowing my anxiety tears to fall for one more minute as it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling. It’s not okay to let it overcome me and mess with my day. So, as I take a sip of my tea I hit re-set as I hit “send” on this blog.  

We should all celebrate something this Monday. We have all made it to another week. We all can find something to be grateful for as we rise out of bed. What am I grateful for? I am grateful that I am not on the path I was last year. I’m taking a right turn onto a new, less mountainous path. The Angel of Death passed over me. I’ve left the hell of Egypt, that the Jewish people endured thousands of years ago, and am making my way to the Promised Land. I am moving forward. Have a marvelous Monday! 

The Crossing of Paths

Okay guys. Get ready for this doozy of a blog. It’s about the people you meet. The lessons you learn from them and the paths they lead you on. I am one of those people who believes that every person you meet is a teacher. I believe it’s pre-destined. Whether that person allows you to grow, teaches you about love, compassion, community, friendship, heartbreak…they all… no matter how briefly you cross paths or how long the relationship… have the ability to teach you or lead you to something new.

Heartbreak. I was as going through my journals and found this passage. I didn’t date it.

The other reason I was sent here was to fall in love and get my heart broken just to put it back together again and still love that person. Don’t get me wrong. I have no regrets about why I’m in the place I am now and who has what pieces of my heart. I am thankful for every moment of every experience I have had and I love you for letting me fall and having me learn how to once again pick myself up… a stronger and better person.

Speaking of heartbreak and love… I can partially thank a nice guy I met online for leading me to my breast cancer diagnosis. I had to renew a prescription and found myself, less than a week after our first date, getting my first mammogram. The amazing tech found a tumor. The diagnoses forced me to put the brakes on a second date with that nice guy.

While I pray to never hear the words, “You have cancer” again, I am thankful for my cancer journey. It’s an experience I can now share in hopes of helping others. The people I’ve met along the way all have truly left footprints on my heart. 

Compassion  Another journal entry…

August 23, 2016 Dr. Iyengar is not officially a member of my medical team but he’s an honorary member. The rushing chemo nurses… the beeping… the pain… the blurred vision. I remember it all. I remember looking down calmly at my MantraBand bracelet that read “Breathe”… so I took deep breaths. Amidst the chaos, in strolls Dr. Iyengar who smiles and calmly says “So, having a bit of problem here I see. Slight allergic reaction. What’s your pain level?” I look at Elaine (my angel who went to nearly every weekly chemo infusion with me) to attempt to give her a thumbs up. I decided I should focus on breathing instead. “Don’t do that again” she said a week later as we sat in Dr Iyengar’s exam room. LOL!! 

Taking The Ride Elaine was with me on that ride. We’ve all rolled with the ups and downs on the rollercoaster of life, but you really learn you have no control when it comes to the cancer coaster. Thankfully my safety bar was down and locked. I was first told I didn’t need chemo. Then I was told I would need it. Then I was told I might not need it. Then I was told I likely wouldn’t need it. Then, we were waiting for the result of a special test. Basically, the rollercoaster had gotten stuck… upside down. 

Rewind to August 2, 2016. I walked into the exam room filled with anticipation to hear how we were going to kick cancer’s ass… that the cancer coaster wouldn’t be stuck much longer. Nope. I sit down and hear, “Test results aren’t in. It’s going to be another two weeks. I’m not sure if you’ll need chemo.” I burst into tears. I was at the appointment alone. I figured I had this appointment in the bag! I thought the “i’s” would be dotted and the “t’s” crossed at this meeting. I was wrong. The cancer coaster jolted on its way down. A blessing though. That special test result actually came in during the time I was sobbing in the exam room and … yup… I needed chemo. Nobody ever wants to hear they need chemo but I was happy to have an answer. I didn’t write the next thing I’m sharing with you in a journal. I had typed it on my phone at the end of that day. 

August 2, 2016 Thank goodness for Chelsea. This day just sucked. I’m so over this day. I’m mentally drained and just back from a long night at work. Bless Chelsea for opening her door when I texted her after today’s appointment. I was numb. I was blurry-eyed. I was tired. I was frustrated. I felt alone. She answered my text and offered her couch. She embraced me in a cocoon of warmth as she listened. It’s probably not how she thought she’d spend her afternoon before we went to work. I am grateful. I am less shattered. I am ready for a new day. The cancer coaster (at least for the moment) has pulled into the platform.

Speaking of platforms. I work at a department within ABC News. We call shows at the network “platforms.” It took me years of hard work and a lot of slammed doors… but I made it to New York and ABC. I thought that was why I was brought to New York. I thought my hard work brought me to the Big Apple for a job. I realized last year it was to fight cancer. To meet the people I have met at work and on The Great White Way. 

Community So, let’s rewind to 2011. I had moved from Chicago for that ABC News job. That year, my love for Broadway blossomed again with Priscilla Queen of the Desert. I can’t remember exactly how it happened, but I met the “Priscilla Posse” a bit late in the run. I had gone to see Nick Adams perform in the musical a number of times. I believe we (members of the Priscilla Posse) and I connected through Twitter. A handful of these women are now some of my dearest friends in New York. Elaine… who I mentioned earlier… is one of them. Our love of Priscilla turned to a love for Kinky Boots. Several cast members of Kinky Boots (whom I can now call friends) have left boot prints on my heart forever. 

Fast-forward a couple of Broadway seasons to 2016. January 24th. Hamilton time! It was my Birthday treat to myself. I had no clue Lin-Manuel Miranda had an understudy. Enter… Javier Munoz. Something about him just drew me in. I didn’t know much about him but I knew I wanted to sprinkle some of my Birthday love on him. He graciously popped out of the theatre to meet me a few days later on my Birthday, January 27th. I give gifts to a small number of people on my Birthday. I gave Javi one. Jump forward to the week of August 14th. I was having some sort of allergic reaction. (Yes, I had two different reactions two different weeks.) I was covered in hives. I was lonely. I was miserable. I looked terrible. I was on my second sleepless night. I had watched Scandal on Netflix and needed a new show to start. Netlfix was the only thing getting me through my hive induced insomnia. Two people responded to the below tweet. Javi was the other person.

Jessica Zellermayer @jaz1976  16 Aug 2016

 What to start watching on Netflix. Hmm? Orange is the New Black or Game of Thrones? Thoughts @JMunozActor or anyone who watch 1 or both?

Yup, Javi responded in my time of need with the recommendation of Stranger Things. Let me just say. That tweet legit saved my sanity for the next two sleepless nights until I got pumped with steroids. So I end this post with community. 

Community To tell you that you’re never alone. There is a community of people who care. You may not always be able to physically see or talk to the people in it, but they are there. They are your sounding board. They are your cheerleaders. They are your reality checks when you need one. They are your teachers. They are there… in the “like” to your Tweet, a smiley face to your Facebook post, in the text they send you or the card they mail you. They are there in the conversations they have with you over coffee or the chat they have with you on the street. They are there… lights on your path.

The Carousel of Courage

The in-between. That’s what I’m stuck in right now. No… not the Upside Down like in Stranger Things. Though, sometimes I feel like that. 

I’m waiting to see my medical oncologist. It’s my first visit since starting hormone therapy and one of four appointments this week. What people don’t often realize is that once chemo and radiation is over new challenges emerge for cancer survivors. Our fight isn’t over. It’s just a new ring and a new set of boxing gloves we're putting on.

I’m stuck between Herceptin infusions and adjusting to the new me as I try to ease into my life after cancer. As I look around the waiting room I see a lot of hope. Everyone here is fighting… trying to stay abreast… trying to adjust to their new reality. For me, it’s no longer the roller coaster… the one that newly diagnosed patients buckle up for. I’ve, thankfully, gotten off that ride. I’m now on a carousel. I mean, I like carousels but this one is getting a bit monotonous. There’s nothing merry about this merry-go-round. The music may change but the horses still go up-and-down and round-and-round. I can’t get off… yet. 

Then there is the angst of anxiety and the fears of relapse that sneak into my head just when I think the ride has slowed down. The random rash. The look at the calendar of appointments. The continued lack of appetite. Each of these these could have any warrior feeling lost navigating a new post-cancer life… leaving them to wonder: What happens if the cancer comes back? Will I ever feel normal again? And most daunting of all, how do I move forward with my life? I’m supposed to be better. So why don’t I feel better? I’m told this is all normal, so I’ll keep going. I see the next finish line in the distance. I know the carousel WILL stop. In the meantime, this cancer thriver will try to enjoy the view from the carousel of courage. The view will sometimes be hazy. Sometimes it’ll be sunny and clear. Either way, there’s comfort in knowing I’m not alone on the carousel. 

So, to my fellow warriors out there. To anyone reading this… because we’re all warriors… in our own way. Remember what Steve Harrington in Stranger Things said, “I”m stealthy, like a ninja.” Keep going.

January 27th Forecast: Shower of Kindness

It’s my Birthday! A lot has changed between this day last year and today. What did I do with my 40th year of life? I kicked cancer’s ass! I’m celebrating the gift of just being here! 

There is one more thing I am celebrating today. I finish radiation! This third of four mountains to climb … not as bad as I’d thought it would be. I actually felt fairly “normal” over the daily 6 weeks of treatment. That is … until Wednesday at work around 11pm… when it struck. Fatigue. That nice reminder that I am undergoing treatment still and that radiation isn’t like a quick tanning session for half my chest! The last 48 hours have been tough. I’ve needed people to push me to the top of this mountain. It’s been strangers telling me about the “great energy” I have. It’s been friends and family cheering me on… reminding me I’m almost there. “Keep going,” they say! It’s been reading the cards on my Wall of Hope. It was the truck driver who honked at me and gave me a thumbs up this week. The instructor at Soul Cycle who thanked me for taking his class. It’s been the little things. It’ll continue to be the little things. Those are my Birthday gifts. There have been many not listed here. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I still haven’t crossed that finish line yet. I will though later this year. We all have finish lines we want to cross. I’ve been told I’m an “inspiration," but I'm no different than anyone else who has been thrown into a scary situation beyond their control. We all have the ability to inspire. I hope I inspire kindness. We all have the ability to sprinkle kindness around. If you know me. You know I am a giver. You know I’m a cheesy kinda gal. So, get ready to spread (or eat) that cheese. My Birthday wish is that you do something kind for someone. Anyone. It could be just smiling at a stranger. Buying a coffee or drink for someone. Donating to a charity. It could be as easy as complimenting someone. Whatever you want. Just sprinkle some kindness please. Maybe those sprinkles will turn into a shower! As we know... after every storm, there is a rainbow. 

#ShowerOfKindness and this weekend I'll post a list somewhere of every act of kindness done.