Chemo Sucks

 Hi everyone! This will be short but I wanted to update you. I had my first chemo infusion this past Monday. It went great! My parents and friends were wonderful. Cycle 2 is next month.

Chemo is something you love to hate as a warrior. You love it because it hopefully kills the cancer. However, chemo is like a bag of not cool Halloween tricks. It was the part of treatment I despised the most in 2016. Now, I remember why. Nearly a week after infusion its’ kicked my ass a bit. The acne/rash on my face and chest is horrifying to look at. It’s painful, pussy and just nasty. I thought it would improve after a few days but nope… just worse. I read it means the cocktail is working but good lord! It’s just not cute. My head still hurts but no longer feels like The Elephant Man. The first few days after chemo it legit felt like a human being was growing out of my forehead. Now, it is just is a dull pain. I’ll take it. The fatigue is there. The first time I went through chemo I had it weekly and not every three weeks. I didn’t expect fatigue … yet. The bone pain was full throttle Tuesday-Friday. I mean, yuck. I’d rather have pain than itchiness though. Friday I had hopes of going into work. I had worked Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I woke up and new I just couldn’t move. Everything hurt. My rash/acne was getting worse. I was running to the bathroom. I couldn’t move. I was in bed most of the day and night. Oh, and my taste is off. *insert eye roll* 

Chemo just sucks… it’s just temporary. I hope tomorrow I’ll hear from my team about some topicals for this ugly rash/acne. I’ll likely work from home for the first time.  The idea doesn’t excite me. However, the fact that I have a supportive work family and can work from home is a blessing. 

I just ordered some groceries. You can never go wrong with ice cream and mac cheese. 

As I wind this up I want to acknowledge that I know I am lucky. Thousands of people don’t have health insurance and are unable to afford treatment. I have an amazing support group in friends and family. I have a work family that’s been nothing but supportive. I just need to keep going.  

The Day Before

The day before. The day before what you ask? Chemo! Let’s catch you up. I had my port placement Friday! I was super excited to get my “Power Port” since last time I kicked cancer’s booty I didn’t have one.

Needless to say… the excitement of the port wore off when I realized the amount of pain I was in. Good lord! I expected some pain and a lot of discomfort. Instead I just got pain! I’ve been taking Tylenol and it helps a tiny. However, it’s been a few days of not much sleep and pain. In the end I know it’ll be worth it and the pain is temporary. I know my "Power Port" will be fabulous. 

In the meantime, I started my pre-meds for chemo tomorrow. That’s right. I’m warming up my swing!  The Wizard gave me my cocktail. I’ll have Docetaxel, Herceptin and Perjeta together for 6 cycles every three weeks. After the third cycle we will see if it’s working. I’m feeling alright about the combo. I’m just ready to get started and hope I have zero allergic reactions. The drug is in a similar family to the Taxol (boo) that put me through two allergic reactions in 2016. The infusion team says I’ll be okay. 

I’m doing pretty good mentally. I had a moment of like 5 minutes of sobbing last night. Nothing really sparked it. I just had a moment. So, what does a gal do to cheer herself up. I can’t workout or bend over so I got a mani/pedi! Now I’m back home just chilling. Gotta be ready for my turn at bat! Thank you again everyone in the stands. Remember to social distance. Speaking of which… my COVID test came back negative.

I hope YOU all are doing well. Be your own advocate and take care of YOU. As my friend Scott messaged me, “You are ImPORTant.” Get it? It made me LOL and smile.

“Health is the greatest of God’s gifts. Every day we’ve been granted it hangs on a thread as fine as a spider’s web… and the smallest thing can make it snap. Leaving the strongest of us helpless in an instant. And in that instant hope is our protector…”  

The Batting Cages

The batting cages. I am in them but on the bench. When we last spoke I was hanging on The Drop Zone… dangling 75 feet in the air. Well, the ride has since ended. Yippee! I had to get off to have my lymph node biopsy Monday. 

I knew deep down my cancer had spread. I was just waiting for the confirmation. For the next 48 hours I sat on the bench and practiced my swing.

It’s Wednesday. My phone rings. It’s not a PA calling this time. It’s my surgeon on the other end of the phone. The cancer has spread to my lymph nodes. There are also two tiny spots on my lungs, but the spots are so small they can’t determine what they are. What they do know is that the cancer in my lymph nodes is my breast cancer. Confirmation. I have Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer. It’s not curable but it is treatable. 

It’s finally time to get into the game! Chemo is up next. I’ll be on deck Tuesday when I meet with my oncologist. He’ll come up with the game plan and then I’ll be at bat.

I’m not alone in the cages. The metal stands behind me are full of friends, family and colleagues. They are all cheering team Cancer Crusher on. They may be spectators but they are the true MVP’s.

One more thing. Some of you know my tumor has a name. My tumor’s name is Dorothy because she looks like a tornado. Get it? Dorothy like in The Wizard of Oz! The lymph nodes are those obnoxious flying monkeys. Anyway… I’m off to meet the Wizard Tuesday and will keep you posted. 

The Drop Zone

As a kid my friends and I would go to Great America. We’d ride the coasters, water rides anything that spins. Once in a while we’d ride something called The Drop Zone. I’ve never been a fan of those rides. You’re strapped in… hoisted over a 100 feet into the air… then plummeted at a high speed back down… sometimes stopping in the middle. Ummm. Yeah. No. 

That’s how this week has been for me. As you probably know I had my cat scan on Monday. It had been postponed due to a prior allergic reaction I’d had during a previous scan. After 13 hours of allergy prep I went in ready to rumble. I drank the mocha flavored sludge and the scan was over in 5 minutes. Yes. 5 minutes! LOL! If only scan results could come that fast, right? 

After a couple of days I checked in with my breast surgeon’s office via email. I was still awaiting bone scan results from the previous week. They had to be back, right? 

My phone rings. The Drop Zone begins to fall and I holler in delight. The good news. The bone scan was clear! I was soooo happy. Victory! Then the words, “I have some not great news about your CT scan. We found an abdominal aortic dissection in your abdomen. I need to call vascular for a second opinion but you could be bleeding internally and get ready to go to the ER.” The Drop Zone screeched to a hard halt mid drop. I wish I could have seen the look on my face because it was probably the “WTF” luck. Long story short. I didn’t have to rush to the ER. However, the PA made it very clear that any symptom I have could be a sign I’m bleeding internally and I could die fast. I took a breath and was like, “Well that’s meh. What else can you tell me about the scan?” Turns out I have quite a few enlarged nodules and lymph nodes in my chest and above my collar bone. This did not shock me. I mean the number of them did, but the news itself was what I figured it would be. Not the best news. Could be worse. I need a biopsy.

The next day was spent working and making appointments ASAP. The PA emailed back asking, “How are you feeling today? Quite a bomb I dropped on your lap yesterday. Now that you’ve had a little time to process can I do anything to help?” That’s very kind of you, but no thank you. You’ve freaked me out! I’m dangling 100 feet in the air holding on for dear life… thinking every pain I have is me bleeding to death and not knowing it! Thanks. LOL. I spent the next 48 hours asking myself, “Should I go to the ER?” It’s hard knowing what pains, etc go with what health woe. Is it just the breast cancer causing what I’m feeling? Maybe it’s the enlarged lymph nodes and nodules? Is it the dissection? It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t just me on The Drop Zone. It was my family and small group of friends I had told! They were, and are, rock stars for checking in on me constantly and just cheering me on. Thank you! (You know who you all are)

Friday was the day. We were meeting with the vascular surgeon. I was already told my mastectomy was likely going to be put on hold until we figure out what was going on… that chemo would likely be up to bat first.

My parents and I arrived at the hospital and waited… and waited. My vascular surgeon had been called into emergency surgery. Finally, he came in. The Drop Zone begins to fall and suddenly jolts to a halt… again. It’s not an abdominal aortic dissection! It was a misdiagnoses! It’s something called a “web” that I likely may have had all my life. I did a strong internal eye roll and let out a tiny sigh of relief that it was nothing. My parents were over the moon as well. I think we were all prepping for a surgery. 

So, where am I today you ask? I am dangling about 75 feet on The Drop Zone. I am emotionally exhausted… not feeling fab physically… but doing a happy dance. My biopsy is Monday. I’m trying to enjoy my view from The Drop Zone. Everything looks so small, pretty and peaceful. I hope by the end of the week there is a plan. The fact that there is no plan gives me more anxiety. What is next for me? I don’t know. I do know that I’m ready to get off The Drop Zone and into the batting cages.

Wait. Hope. Pray. Crush!

There’s nothing worse then "scanxiety." Well there is… but you know what I mean. Well…hopefully, you don’t. Today was scan day. Some additional suspicious findings were discovered in a recent MRI so a bone scan and CT was on tap for today. I can’t describe how it feels when you’re going into a day where tests will reveal if your cancer has spread. I am a positive person, but honestly, my sunny disposition was a bit overcast as I walked into the hospital. I just have a feeling. I hope the feeling is wrong.

Loooong story short, CT scan will be happening Monday. I checked in, waited and drank the nastified stuff. Then they were like, “Sorry. You had an allergic reaction to contrast before. You have to do a 13 hour allergy prep before we perform the CT.” My heart sank. There is nothing more frustrating then when something occurs that is completely avoidable. Why was there no phone call prior to the appointment asking if I had a previous reaction?! Why did they wait until AFTER I drank the janky cocktail?! Actually, the concoction wasn’t so bad. It was coffee flavored. However, It did make me feel bad. I was not amused. However, I pulled my big girl pants up and got it settled within 30 minutes… ordered the meds I need and rescheduled the scan. *A shout out to my dad who walked to get them for me.

The good news is that my loooong day ended with my body scan. The body scan is a bit more complex and time consuming so I am glad that is over. Now… I wait. I wait for the results for the bone scan. I wait for my CT. I wait for those results. I wait. I rest. I pray. I hope. Why? Cause this girl is going to crush cancer whatever the scans reveal. 

And the results are ...

Hi friends! How are you? *waving through the screen* It’s been a tiny bit. A week or so… no? At last check I was about to start work, waiting for movers and scheduled for an MRI. 

Well, work has started. Everyone has been great! As we all know, starting a new job can be a tiny overwhelming and exciting. It’s been both. 

The movers came! I’m missing two boxes and they damaged some items. I wish you could see my “not shocked” face, and eye roll, through the computer screen. I also spent my first night at the apartment last night. Furniture has been ordered and today is WiFi/Cable/deliveries day. Yippee! I’m currently writing this from my bed… which looks out to the beautiful Lake Michigan.

I did have my MRI. I finally got my results Friday, along with the long awaited FISH test. As expected, I’m HER2+.   However, the MRI came back with some suspicious lymph node findings. It’s not the best news. I’m hoping it’s nothing but preparing for it’s something. I have a bone scan and CT scan later this month. I also have my pre-op prior to that as well. Things are moving. The cancer coaster keeps going. I'm buckled in and holding on.

I just realized something! There is one month until my double mastectomy! Yes! Get this cancer out. This also means I should probably buy my wedge and some button down tops and comfy bottoms for recovery. I can hopefully test my newly minted WiFi later with some of that shopping.

Overall, my spirits are high. I’m really tired lately… but who wouldn’t be. I’m grateful for my family and friends who have helped so much and been so supportive. I’m grateful for all of you too. While many things are unknown… there are are some things I do know. I know I will conquer this and that I am loved. What more can you ask for? Whatever unknowns you are facing #KeepGoing and know you are #NotAlone. 

Double or Single?

June 29, 2020

It’s a new week. In one week I start my new job! Yippee! I’m really looking forward to meeting everyone and learning about the new show I’ll be working on. I’m also excited about going back to work. 

Let’s focus on this week though. This week… I get keys to my new apartment and an MRI. I’m also waiting to hear if my movers will ever show up. *insert eye roll*  You’d think a cancer diagnosis from a client would light a fire on their booties… but radio silence. I know they find me annoying… continually pushing them to get my belongings out of storage in NJ, onto a truck and here to Chicago. I mean it’s just cancer right? LOL. Speaking of which… double or single.

Double or single is the question I left off with in my last post. I had just met with both my surgeons. They both suggested that only my right breast go. My tumor is in my right breast. However, I talked to some warriors who went through mastectomies. I also did some online research. My gut told me to do both. I am still waiting for a test result and do have that upcoming MRI Thursday. However, I don’t feel the need to wait to hear what those results are. I want both my breasts gone. Not only will it give me peace of mine cancer-wise, but reconstruction wise I think the new boobies will be better off as a pair. I updated both surgeons today about my decision. I thought the decision might be hard. However, for me, it wasn’t. Bigger risk… but hopefully bigger reward. In an odd way, I’m looking forward to getting rid of the boobs. I’m looking forward to cutting out the cancer.  I’m looking forward to my new normal…as we all try to adjust to a new normal amidst the pandemic.