Finding Gratitude

Gratitude. It’s something I’m starting and ending each day with. It’s easy to go through our days looking at our problems or “To Do” lists and just get stressed out. You don't have to feel great to be grateful. 

I find it’s the little things that happen daily that I'm most thankful for. I’d normally gloss over those “little things” because I’d be focusing on the big things overwhelming me. So, I’ve been writing those little things down. Here are just some of the small things that I’ve had BIG gratitude for the last 24 hours. 

I am Grateful for….

1. Waking up
2. Being able to roll over in bed with no pain
3. Being able to eat and taste a tiny more
4. My healthcare and insurance
5. My job
6. Family and friends
7. The sun
8. My apartment
9. The Aura phone app
10. Being able to take a deep breath

Take a moment to think about what you’re thankful for right now. Come up with three things. Now… if you want… take a closer look at why the list you’ve come up with fills you with gratitude. Here is my closer look from 1-10.

1. I know not everyone in this world will rise with the sun today. He/She may earn their angel wings. I was blessed to be able to rise with the sun again.

2. Sounds silly, right? but when you have cancer in your bones you have aches and pains. Rolling over and walking can legit be a pain. Getting out of bed may be difficult. When that pain goes away there is freedom to move. 

3. Week three post chemo means my appetite and taste are a little better! My tastebuds re-awaken a bit. I enjoy what I can as I know they’ll go back to sleep in 24 hours.

4. I would not be here today without my medical team and science. Each day is gifted time for me. While chemo, radiation, etc is not fun… it extends my life and grants me more time with those I love. Insurance— not everyone has it or is able to afford it. The chemo alone is $23,124 per infusion. That’s not counting the other medication I get for my bones or anything else!

5. My job gives me a routine and sense of community. It provides me with security as well.

6. That community my job gives me includes friends… friends that are like family…. and my family. I wouldn’t be here today without their love and support. 

7. The sun! That I can feel it and see it! On Summer days like today I think back on my times in the hospital. I sometimes feared I may not get to feel or see the sun again.

8. My apartment gives me peace. There are no pests or dead bodies! (That’s another story for another time). There is comfort, central AC, a beautiful deck, and a cozy bed in my apartment. Oh! A beautiful look at Lake Michigan too.

9. Serenity. The Aura phone app has been lulling me to sleep and introducing me to meditation that is just the right amount of time for me to appreciate. I’ve tried many meditation apps. This is my favorite one.

10. Deep breaths. The ability to take a deep breath in and fill your body with liquid gold energy of air means life. It means relaxation. It’s a new day. Breathe it in.

I hope this helps you remember that even though we are all going through our own struggles there is something to always be grateful for. 

“After the rain, the sun will reappear. There is life. After the pain, the joy will still be here.” 

-Walt Disney Company

Waves

It’s after 9pm on Friday and I’m in bed crying. It just kind of slowly hit me… like dark clouds moving over Lake Michigan… bringing rain. Though, in my case, it’s tears. I had just been laying in bed trying to fall asleep. I worked a lot more hours than usual this week. I am tired. It’s been 48 hours of sad news. Maybe the tears were for those in Surfside, Florida. I can only imagine what the last two days have been like for the first responders… community… those who have lost or don’t know if their loved one is alive or dead… those who have lost their homes. 

It could also just be the cancer coaster. Like waves rolling onto the beach in Surfside sometimes the ripple turns into a current that crashes into a wave of emotion. I just laid in bed crying… hugging my stuffed dog. Maybe the tears were for a past life I mourn. Maybe the tears were for a future that will likely be shortened. I honestly don’t know.

I had been watching (in bed) Carrie Hope Fletcher sing “Far Too Late” from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new musical Cinderella. I found Carrie after stumbling across her YouTube channel nine years ago. She was singing a song she wrote called, “Why can’t I be a Disney princess?” Fast forward nine years and she’s a lead in a new West End musical. The song, “Far Too Late,” is stunning and maybe the lyrics resonate with me…

“Far too late to sing a love song.”

“You’re in someone else’s arms.”

“Far too late for second-guessing.”

“My chance is gone”

Yes, I know she’s singing about a prince. LOL It’s just such a beautifully written song. 

I know it’s not too late for me and that I have chances. Every day I wake up is a chance. A chance to sing a love song. A chance to second guess. A chance to live. A chance to love. A chance to cry. 

Sometimes your body just needs that emotional release. I didn’t cry long. I’m not one to sit and sob. However, sometimes you have to remember the journey you’re on and just keep moving forward and not look back. Like waves in Lake Michigan… like the waves off the coast of Surfside, Florida… they hit hard. They can catch you by surprise and can knock you down. You just have to keep going. I just have to keep going. I will.

1 Year Cancerversary

What a journey it’s been. This week, last year, I was in New York getting a biopsy and packing my apartment. This year, I’m in Chicago, thriving with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer. It’s been a crazy year full of ups and downs, hospital stays, lots of love and lots of support.

I just wanted to update you as I hit my one year cancerversary. As you know, I’m on my third kind of chemo. Guess what? I finally have some good news to share! Scans show treatment is working! The brain radiation is working. Many of my lesions have shrunk and others remain the same. The new chemo is working on the lesions in the rest of my body too! The bad news… the cancer did spread to some of my bones. I know. Annoying. Right? (insert face in palm here) The team and I discussed how we’ll handle that. Overall great news! A victory. I’ve stolen a base! 

I’m hoping these results continue so I can try to return to some sort of new “normal.” Seeing people out and about with no masks on… restaurants full again… not much social distancing… has my anxiety a bit high. I’m still masking up and primarily avoiding the public. However, I am pushing myself to be more active. I’ve lost 60 pounds on this chemo cocktail so fatigue and energy levels are not the best. Daily short walks by the lake and stretching are becoming routine and will hopefully put some pep in my step. I even got out on the deck for the first time since I moved here! 

It’s not just myself trying to navigate and figure out this new normal. We all are. I hope you take a moment to pat yourselves on the back. It’s been a journey. We’ve all made it. Those who have not weigh on my mind. We must not forget the lives lost. Their heavenly light illuminate the days ahead. Coronavirus, cancer, illnesses. These all bring us together and remind us that life is fragile but life is living. We are all blessed to awaken out of our cocoons and fly once again.

I will continue to hit the balls that come my way. Some may be curve balls… some may be home runs… others could be strikes. What matters is that Team Cancer Crushers keeps trying and keeps moving forward. That YOU keep moving forward. The stadium remains full of hope and encouragement. I hear your cheers. For that… I thank you. Let’s keep playing ball.

Mood: #Meh

Hi friends! I know it’s been a hot second. I’ve been a bit “meh” with this new chemo cocktail. I was up ready to pick up the bat and swing but feel that I just can’t connect with the ball right now. I talk about the cancer coaster a lot. Right now I feel like it has just been off the track. I’m unmotivated, not feeling good due to side effects, not eating much and just overall ….”meh.” However, this chemo is soooooo much better than the last one in terms of how I feel.

I’m a creature of routine. I’m used to the gym, a run, errands, work and music. Now it’s just been a lot of doctors, chemo, acupuncture and work … not in that order and not as routinely… and some days not at all. My body doesn’t quite know what to make of this new chemo! However, I feel like it’s working because that’s the positive in me. I mean third time is a charm right? I just feel a bit lost. So, I tried getting into some sort of routine two weeks ago to get me out of this rut. Baby steps. Always moving forward. It’s okay to take a pause sometimes but you gotta hit “play” at some point.

Stage 4 cancer is marathon. With my battle in 2016 there was an end in sight. I had a certain number of chemo infusions, a certain amount of radiation, surgery and hormone therapy. That was that. There was a finish line. There isn’t a finish line for someone with stage 4 cancer or someone with a chronic illness. You just have to keep running the marathon. You have to accept that some days will be bad, lonely or “meh.” However, you know there will be days that are good and somewhat “normal.” It’s okay if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure when you do get back up you rise as a fire!

A Home Run!

Hi everyone! You know when you’re on second base and the pitcher turns to try and get you out as you sprint towards third base? Yeah… that’s me right now… but the pitcher hit me right in the arm with the ball and now I’m back in the dugout. Boooooo! (Throw peanuts at the mound here!) However, I just kept running towards home because I did finish whole brain radiation this week. I was like “Screw you, pitcher person! You may have got me out but I’m still running! The coaches waved me on!” I stuck out my tongue and did a Happy Dance at home base.

I am back at home base though. Sitting here swinging the bat in the air to practice for my next “at bat.” In my last blog post I was getting scans. Well, they came back. Not the worst news but not the best news. Long story short, there are more lesions and spots in the lungs, lymph nodes and chest. Some of the older ones have stayed the same while some have gotten bigger. I have nothing in my bones so yippee skippy! I always do a victory dance when I hear that. I had a one day break and start… you guessed it… a third line of chemo today.  I am very hopeful that this chemo is the one that stabilizes “Dorothy,” my cancer…. for a good stretch of time. Remember, Dorothy started off as a tumor in my breast and looked like a twister. She’s just scattering debris everywhere and I’m not having it! Just drop the debris and leave it alone Dorothy! I wanna see the rainbow that follows the storm! 

In the meantime, I’m recuperating from my radiation treatments. I finally got to hit a gong to signify the end of a treatment. That was exciting! There were no gongs or bells at Sloan Kettering for me to hit or ring. It was nice to do something to signify the end of a treatment… as the chemo or immunotherapies will be forever. The journey continues.

This hasn’t been an easy journey for myself, or my friends and family. I just want to take a moment to thank you all for your continued support. I’m truly blessed and grateful. This journey is just that. A trip with raging waters, calm breezes and hills… but it’s a road nobody takes alone… though it may feel that way at times. Whatever you’re going through right now… keep going. Keep hope alive and know the dugout and stands are always full of people cheering you on as well— including me!

Time for a Changeup

Get ready team!  There’s a changeup. First off, I hope this finds you all well. I know the weather has been wacky. It’s kinda representative of my past couple weeks and today. 

But first, grab your popcorn and sit in the stands cause this changeup on the field includes a new team member. Cancer Crushers now has a new radiation oncologist! Yes, you heard right. Radiation is now part of my treatment… and not just radiation to one spot… to my whole brain! Womp! Womp!

Let’s back track a bit to catch you up. I completed cycle two of my chemo cocktail and wasn’t feeling great. I still have some side effects and no appetite and not much taste. I alerted my oncology nurse who set me up for an IV infusion of fluids. I am not a fan of going to oncology triage. It usually means I’ll be admitted. However, I knew I was not feeling good and needed fluids. Listen to your body. Always listen to your body and be your own advocate… even if you don’t want to. Good news! I wasn’t admitted and the IV infusion helped. However, I had severe anxiety during the whole few hour process and that is never very fun. My oncology team took me off my chemo cocktail. I’m still not feeling great but they wanted my GI system to recover. So did I. It was a mess.

Last week I had a brain MRI… a follow up to my gamma knife procedure back in September. It was a mixed bag of news. The good news is the original tumor stayed the same and the tiny other 2 original lesions couldn’t be seen. Yay! The bad news is that the 7 existing ones got a tiny larger and there were at least 8 more NEW small lesions. Good grief! Not the best news but not the worst. So that brings me to today… where I’m getting ready to start whole brain radiation. My mask is made and my scan is ready for mapping. To say I’m not freaked out would be a lie. I am. I mean who wouldn’t be. I have to take Alzheimer’s meds while undergoing the radiation! I mean who thinks about memory loss and dementia at 45?! Not very many people I hope. I am hopeful the meds will delay or prevent any cognitive issues. I’m ready to pick up the bat and start swinging again. Round another base and get waved onto the next base.

That brings me to this upcoming week. I have four hours of scans for the rest of my body. Chemo will be changing and these scans will show if there’s any progression or if things are stable. Whatever the results reveal can alter your path in a monumental way. Just know that I will keep swinging and round the bases till I make it home.

When Taste Buds Turn into Taste Duds

Food. It’s something we all eat. Some of us structure our meals around work. Others of us cook weekly meals or use Blue Apron. It’s gives us fuel and sometimes joy… but what if you weren’t able to taste those delicious meals. I’m one of hundreds, if not thousands, of people battling cancer who have lost their ability to taste. It happened in 2016 but not like this. This time around it’s just gone… and has been since September. I watch as my parents eat and enjoy lunch and see them watch me with worry as I nibble, like a mouse, on what’s on my plate. “Eat toast and rice,” people suggest. It tastes like wet sand and is hard to swallow! Most of the food I eat tastes like cardboard or just bad. I guess I do taste… something. LOL Smoothies I’m just too tired to make right now. I’m more of an open the bottle and drink kinda gal. 

I’ve lost a good amount of weight and eating and drinking fluids is important. It’s just a struggle bus for me. I have no appetite and that doesn’t help either. It’s just hard to do what comes so naturally for most people… eat. Tomato soup is forever ruined for me. I threw it up a few weeks ago and just can’t imagine eating it again. The lack of taste has just gotten worse with this new, every single day, chemo cocktail. Hopefully, once we figure out adjustments I’ll do better with food. Who knows. That’s what the cancer coaster is like. One day you can feel a bit “normal” and the next like an alien who fell out of his space ship.

I guess the moral of this little blog entry is to enjoy your food. You never know when your taste buds will turn into taste duds.