June 20, 2022

Today marks two years since I’ve been in Chicago. It feels like its been five!  I’m sitting in my chemo chair looking at the beautiful lake and the sun bouncing off of it … creating little diamonds on the blue. It’s quiet here right now. It’s early for infusion. I’m enjoying the quiet as I wait for the nurse to confirm I’m getting two other infusions with my chemo, making it a longer day. This is the end of cycle two of my 7th chemo in two years. I remember the morning I left New York. It was after an unexpected and stressful final week in the Big Apple. I had hoped my final week would be full of Philly (I always wanted to try a Philly Cheesesteak), seeing friends, finishing packing and visiting favorite places one last time. Instead, it was the height of the coronavirus. I had a breast biopsy… was dealing with sketchy movers that were giving me anxiety… and waiting for results. Thank god for the park next door to my apartment. My jogs there kept me sane. I remember my final run had me taking every sound and sight in. I came home. I showered and waited for the movers. My phone rang. It was the hospital. My cancer had returned. I legit couldn’t believe it. What was already a bad week has just gotten worse. It was a Thursday. Two days before I was to leave NY. My days weren’t filled with goodbyes and favorite spots. My final days were busy trying to get scans to Northwestern Memorial Hospital. I was hustling to find an oncologist and I was worried about my new job. How would they react? I was panicked. I wanted to see an oncologist to come up with a game plan so I could tell my new employer what kind of treatment I’d be getting and the possible timetable. I had two weeks in Chicago before I started my new job. I was overwhelmed. I got on the plane 48 hours later. It was June 20th. I boarded my flight feeling anxious, worried and thinking “this was not how my return home to Chicago was supposed to go.” I couldn’t believe  the events of the last week. I still can’t really. However, I take comfort that that was God’s plan. I knew I wanted to move back to Chicago in December 2019…7 months before I got a job here…closer to family. The apartment I wound up leasing (virtual tour) is conveniently near the hospital I’m at. 

I find it fitting the final two weeks of June 2022… just like in 2020… are jammed packed. I have chemo and a Covid test today. I have acupuncture tomorrow. Later this week I head to the operating room to deal with the tumor in my lung. They’ll try to freeze or scrape away the part that’s partially blocking an airway. I had a similar, but less invasive procedure, last month. This one has higher risks and no guarantee it will ease my wheezing and debilitating cough. However, I am hopeful. Next week I have gamma knife surgery on the same area in the lung. I had a not so fabulous experience when my radiation oncologist performed it on my brain last month.  I’ll meet with him the day of to hear is plan of action on my lung. It’s the first time I’ll have radiation on that part of the body. I’m nervous but not thinking about it. 

What I am thinking about is my miraculous body. While it’s a tug-of-war when it comes to the cancer, it amazes me how much my body has handled in the last two years… let alone in 2016 when I was initially diagnosed with breast cancer. It never ceases to amaze me that it just keeps going. It may hate me at times. It shows me daily with the side effects I have. However, I know it wants to get better too. It’s like an angel vs devil situation LOL. Just like me, my body wants to get rid of the cancer. It wants to stop the spread. It doesn’t like the cancer either! It also doesn’t love all my treatments… hence my side effects. We are a team. I hate my body at times for making me go through this cancer crap but, at the same time, I love my body for all it’s doing to try and fight the cancer. Just like Team Cancer Crushers, the body and medicine will fight. I continue to stay positive. As I wrap this up, remember that staying positive does not mean that things will turn out okay. Rather it is knowing that you will be okay no matter how things turn out. Just Keep Going!