It's Been Rough

Hi everyone! It’s been a bit since I posted but honestly, it’s been a rough 2022 and the energy is just not what it used to be. I started that new chemo back in February. I believe that was the last blog post. Turns out it didn’t work so I start a new chemo on Monday. I am hopeful. 

To say I was disappointed that we haven’t found a treatment that stabilizes and stops the spread of this cancer is an understatement. However, I am hopeful that this new chemo will be the one that sticks. The past few weeks have been rough. Between work, the hospital and realizing that I need to start a new chemo has been a lot. I legit believed that even though the scans showed some growth and new lesions in the liver that we’d be sticking with the plan. The cancer coaster is full of loops and turns. You just need to hold on and roll with the flow. I had Gamma Knife Surgery this week. I had it in 2020 but this time was different. I’m unsure why, but it was. I went in for the prep brain scan Monday so my team could figure out the game plan. Tuesday was my procedure. The sweet nurses made my mask. I just laid there thinking, “Here we go again.” It’s a tight, fitted green mask they bolt you to the table with. The mask ensures you don’t move and protects you from the radiation zapping the lesions. Once the mask was made it was time. It was 3 hours (I think). It was awful. I just kept thinking “Breathe. You Got this. Zap! Zap! Zap! those lesions away.” I just felt suffocated. My mouth was dry like the Sahara. The mask hurt. It felt like it was crushing my face and nose. My head was pounding like I had a migraine. I had to ring for help. I usually power through scans and procedures but I couldn’t this time. They pulled me out for a quick break. One nurse gave me some water while another put a hot towel around my neck. After 5 minutes the nurse asked, “Are you ready to resume?” I took a deep breath and nodded as I laid back down and they bolted my head in. The one positive is that I didn’t cough once! Don’t get me started on my debilitating cough fits. However, it was a big concern for me with this procedure and a goal of mine was not to cough during it. I remember the second half of the treatment I buzzed to see how much time was left at last three times. I just wanted out. I was just miserable but just kept saying “You got this! We’re zapping those lesions like in an Atari video game. Just breathe.” I can’t remember the rest of the night but do remember my parents saying I looked like crap and was out of it. I was wheeled out of the hospital and into the car. Grateful that it was over. Grateful that I had my parents there. Grateful that I was able to have the Gamma Knife Surgery. Grateful to be going home. My mom said the mask had made imprinted holes on my face it was that tight. I put on my PJs and logged onto my Portal and noticed there was a Day 2 of Gamma Knife Surgery for Wednesday. I was a mess. Even though I knew this was a possibility I just couldn’t believe it wasn't over. I had to to go back. They had to split the procedure into two days. I cried and pulled myself together and said, “Well it can’t get any worse.”

Wednesday came and I mentally prepared myself. I did some meditation, showered and was ready. Day 2 was better… minus the fact I was hallucinating. Maybe I wasn't. Who knows? I’m unsure if it was the anxiety meds or what. While the mask wasn’t killing me… I was now seeing dead relatives. My grandma Madeline held my hand. Some other relatives stopped by. Someone put some purple beads arounds my “casket.” I think all of these appearances were meant to comfort me and remind me I’m not alone... that I have angels looking out for me. It freaked me out a bit. I sobbed under my mask, which in turn had my back spasming on the cold, metal table. I was just like “Get me out of here!” I wasn’t wheeled out to the car this time but I was clearly shaken. I was crying and just frustrated. It was over though. I had survived. Now it was time to try and rest and recover. I just couldn’t though. I’m on steroids on top of all the other meds I take for my cancer side effects. The steroids are to control any swelling of the brain. I dozed off for hours but was too weak to move off the couch to go into bed. Not good. I was, and still am, emotionally and physically drained. 

Saturday rolled around and acupuncture was a much needed treatment. I laid on the table grateful for some TLC. I listened to the calming music during treatment and reminded myself, “You did it! Thank you body! Look at what you did.” I came home feeling good and then, hours later, I just didn’t. The nausea, dizziness and headaches kicked in. It was just frustrating. Today is Mother’s Day. I still feel the same. Still dozing off. Still fatigued. Still nauseous. Still dizzy. I was able to celebrate Mother’s Day though. Tomorrow, Monday,  I start my new chemo. It’s going to be a long day. I don’t know how my body will react but I’m hopeful. The cancer coaster rolls on. I know that one day a treatment will work. I just keep going grateful for a new option. Grateful for the support around me. Grateful for being alive. So, I'm okay. I just am having a rough time. There's nothing wrong with that. Accepting how I feel and trying to be kind to myself is something I'm working on. "Just keep going Jess," I tell myself. "You got this. You're buckled in ready for the next loop. Just hang in there." I am!