Day 17: "Dear MBC"

October 17, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s been a beautiful weekend here in Chicago. The rain moved out and the sun and cold came in! The sky was blue and the air crisp. Perfect for an outing and one this girl desperately needed. MBC, you keep me inside a lot. Between work, side effects and appointments I’m either home, at the hospital or on an acupuncture table. I get my short walks in… but the one thing that you gift me is fatigue. That’s what I want to talk to you about today. The beautiful weather had me off to the zoo yesterday. It’s something I’d been wanting to do all year. I start a new chemo tomorrow. It’s the end of week three post infusion. It’s when I’m usually feeling my most “normal.” However, I’m not feeling too normal today. Why? Dumb fatigue, MBC! Now, for those of you reading my diary you know tired. Everyone's been tired more than a time or two. So, when cancer patients talk about fatigue caused by treatment and cancer, people might think they can empathize. But this kinda fatigue is not like anything else.

The lethargy I experience with treatment is no surprise. It happened in 2016 as well but not like this. I’m going about my business and then BOOM it zaps what little energy I have. I could just be sitting and it hits. It's like a faithful companion that never leaves my side. It’s concurrent with extreme physical weakness sometimes. Hence, not being able to type this blog last night.

So let’s get back to yesterday. My dad and I get to the zoo. It’s so fun! We walk all over and see the animals. Less than two hours later we’re back at my place. I am dead. Not just fatigued but just … empty. It’s just so frustrating that something so simple is so draining for those with chronic illnesses like you, MBC. I think back to my days of going to the gym and running daily. Will I ever be able to do that again? Less of two hours of walking just laid me up. I checked my Pacer app and it said we walked three miles. I think back to my days fighting cancer in 2016. I was in NYC … which is a walking city. I remember walking in Central Park and still going to spin classes! I’m just unable to do that this time.The fatigue is always there. I take naps but I just don’t wake up refreshed anymore. Hopefully, this new chemo will do its job and I can try to rebuild my strength a bit. 

Every three weeks, the round of chemo robs me of strength and alters my day to day life. Even attempting the tiniest of tasks, like brushing my teeth, showering or making coffee … my body just doesn’t always support me. Not only is fatigue physical but it has emotional side effects as well. When daily objectives revolve around what needs to be done over what doesn’t… well… it just isn’t too exciting. Maybe that’s something I need to work on internally. Flipping the switch to include a bit more fun and normalcy into a non-normal life. I mean it’s not normal to be in pajamas at 5pm on a Sunday but I am. It's not normal to have your eyes closing as you type. I don’t feel bad about it. It is what it is and I’m quite comfy. LOL! I’m just fatigued. My eyes can barely stay open. I am still on “E” for empty. I’m unsure how to refuel but plan to finish my liter of water, try to eat a little something more, have some tea and hit the hay. I have an early and long day tomorrow. You get to meet my new weapon against you, MBC. The new chemo. Pew! Pew! Pew! 

For now… I gotta get off this computer. Till tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Jess