Day 13: "Dear MBC"

 October 13, 2021

Dear MBC,

Today is Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. It’s raining. I had hoped to go see one of the lovely Chicago buildings lit up in your ribbon colors for #LightUpMBC. However, I’m suddenly really fatigued and seeing double. I’m surprised I’m able to type!

On a positive note… I’m grateful that food was tasting a bit better today… so thank you MBC. Well… hold on. The pizza my mom and I ordered was legit the grossest thing I’ve had in a long time. My mom said it was yummy. I took a bite and spit it out! LOL! It tasted like vomit. Instead I ordered Popeyes. I know… NOT healthy but it’s something. I hadn’t had Popeyes in a decade and the little of it I did eat was good! It gave me joy. I think it gave my mom joy to see me actually eat something I was enjoying. Little did she know the part of the day that gave me the most joy was watching a movie with her. 

On a more serious note I want to talk to you MBC. You don’t only effect me but my friends and family. I hate that you’ve turned my parents into caregivers and constantly have my friends and family worried. I hate that you prevent me from having a normal work life… in an actual newsroom with colleagues who’ve been nothing but supportive and understanding. I hate that you completely overturned my return home to Chicago last year and my final days in NYC.  However, I do thank you for some things. The timing of your return… while awful, inconvenient and stressful…happened at the right time. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. The job opportunity and return home to family, where I have support, was a blessing from above. Also a blessing… the timing of when my lease in NY ended. I don’t think that was a coincidence. You’ve taught me that I can get through anything. It may suck but I can persevere. You’ve taught that I do what I can do and that is good enough.

You also have me thinking about death. While I plan on being around to kick your butt for a long time I know there’s only so much control I have over you. I came up with a “Celebration of Life” plan. I wrote a goodbye poem for my funeral and to post online. I know that’s depressing but you forced my hand. I remember sobbing as I wrote that poem. I laughed too as I’m such a cheeseball. I even got life insurance! To those reading this… don’t worry. I ain’t going anywhere. However, a girl has to plan. Ya know? You probably have a will. Same idea.  

Bottom line MBC…I breathe in your darkness but breathe out golden light. I thank my lucky stars every day I wake up in my own bed in my own apartment. I thank my lucky stars for being able to work. I thank my lucky stars for my friends, family and medical treatments. All these stars light up the darkness as the buildings light up for Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day.

Sincerely,

Jessica