The Gifts

 

Happy 2021 everyone! It’s been a bit… and there’s a reason for that. I’ve been in the hospital a good portion of January. It truly sucked. As my oncologist bluntly put it, “You look like crap and feel like crap.” He then admitted me to the hospital for the second time this year. The good news is that I am feeling better and recovering from the infection that landed me there. It’s an infection I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Yuck!

 

I haven’t been on my chemo cocktail due to the infection and will learn what is next this week. Will we switch chemo? Will we just lessen the dose of the daily chemo I’d completed one cycle of? I feel it'll be the lesser dose. I’ll keep you posted. The cancer coaster continues. I'm buckled in.

 

Speaking of this week… it’s my Birthday week (1/27)! What a 44^th year it has been! I am grateful though. Everyone keeps asking, “What do you want for your Birthday?” I keep responding, “Nothing. I just want my health.” Truly though, my gifts this year are all of you. Yes. You. Many of you have reached out via Messenger, text, Facebook and via mail. Y’all know I love my snail mail! You are all my gifts. Every message brightens my day. The “check-ins” and random acts of kindness illuminate my dark days. I am grateful. Thank you. I’m truly grateful for my parents who have been amazing during this journey. It hasn’t been easy on them and they are truly the unsung heroes of this battle. The battle is far from over. I’m getting my body ready for the next part. Cancer may kick my butt sometimes but it has nothing on me.

Goodbye 2020!

Goodbye 2020! What a year it has been for all of us. We made it though! We are almost there. Congratulations! Let’s give each other virtual high-fives.

We are probably all wondering if the hardships of this year will spill into the new year. 2020 has been filled with a lot of uncertainty and darkness. Many questions are still unanswered for us. Will we achieve our goals? Will we ever return to some kind of “normal?” What will happen to this planet and its’ people? Is the future as dark as what it has been? I say… there is light. 

Whenever you fall into the darkness don’t ever forget what you are capable of. We are all survivors. We are all examples of light to one another. If we can’t support one another and inspire each other to be better people… to choose hope instead of giving into hopelessness… then we’ve lost sight of the light. I am guilty of that. We can each be a source of hope and commit to keeping the flame lit. We can be an example to others who've given up and turned away from the light and are in the dark. 

The new year comes with a new brightness. Hold onto it. Fill yourselves with the possibility of a future that's full of love, light and kindness. 2021 is full of possibility. A new year.  A new chance. A new beginning that so many people won’t get to see due to the Coronavirus. Help illuminate 2021 in honor of those who light up the night sky as the stars they now are… shining their spirits upon the world. 

So, raise your coffee… water… cocktail… or whatever you may be drinking at this very moment. Cheers yourself! Cheers to a New Year! Cheers to the light!

New Week. New Cocktail.

Happy December y’all! Can you believe ’tis the holiday season and it’s nearly over? I hope you are finding the brightness among the darkness of the changes due to the Coronavirus.

I know I’m trying to find the light after what’s been a coo coo for cocoa puffs week. As I sit here in bed… typing this… I am thankful to be in my home and having tea with some candles lit. It’s the first time I’ve been “still” all week. As you know, I was rounding the bases in terms of chemo. My October scans came back “good.” They showed mostly shrinkage and containment. I’d been excited and hopeful to add on cycles 7/8 of chemo and say goodbye to chemo and its’ craptastic side effects. Fast forward to December 11th and this past week. The days have been full of some work… but many emails, phone calls and trips to the hospital for tests. Long story short is that my scan results of my brain and body are back. To say the results were shocking would be an understatement. They still haven’t really set in yet.

You all have been cheering me on from the stands as I’ve been rounding the bases of treatment. Well, I am being held on third base. It looks like home base will have to wait. 

The good news is no cancer in my bone! Yay! More good news is the gamma knife worked and my brain tumor shrank! Yay! The bad news… I have 8 new and tiny lesions that are too small to do anything with in terms of gamma knife. In terms of lymph nodes, breast and lungs… I’ll just say it was a complete 360. The scan showed progression. Boo! In other words, some new spots and growth. This was no what anyone expected. I always knew this was a possibility. However, I just didn’t think this first line of defense would fail so fast. 

I’m starting my second line of defense this week. I’ll continue with one of my targeted therapy infusions. It’s still every three weeks at the hospital. However, I’ll be dumping the first kind of chemo and the other targeted therapy infusion for …. drum roll…. two other treatments. Both are pills and one is chemo. Chemo will be 6 pills daily for 14 days then seven days off. The other is a daily pill that is a new targeted therapy.  My heart sank when hearing this. I thought my chemo days were nearly done. To say I was overwhelmed with this news is an understatement. The idea of monitoring my side effects more closely and timing out pills and meals is just “meh.” Also, starting a new chemo cocktail is always scary. You don’t know how you'll react and what side effects you'll get. You can read all the comments on support groups you want, etc… but everyone reacts differently. I’m also still coming off my original chemo cocktail. I’m not giving myself a break. I just want to keep doing my best to crush this cancer.

At the end of this not great week… I am thankful though. I’m grateful for my health insurance. I am grateful for my parents who have been on this emotional roller coaster with me. I am grateful for all of you cheering me on and showing your support. Team Cancer Crushers rock! I’m holding at third base right now but will slide into home base at some point. For now I’m taking off my helmet and going back to the amusement park. Gotta stop for some popcorn before I see what kind of roller coaster this new cocktail puts me on. Maybe the new cocktail will just put me on the Tilt-A-Whirl… but first popcorn. 

Dear Warriors and Thrivers...

Dear fellow Warriors and Thrivers,

It’s okay. It’s okay to mourn the life you had before cancer. 

Cancer sucks in general… but cancer during COVID really sucks.

Before moving back to Chicago I was excited to return home, start an exciting new job, reconnect with childhood friends, go up to Wisconsin to reunite with other friends and make new ones. I was also looking forward to Door County in the Autumn. COVID took my experiences, and yours, away… for now. We will reclaim our lives bit by bit. It may take longer then expected, but every day let's vow to do something to reclaim a bit of “normal.” For me, this particular day, it was a short stroll.

I went for a walk and scowled at people not wearing masks. I yelled internally, “Don’t you know how hard it is for me to get out for a walk! You’re taking your life, and others, for granted you selfish humans!” It’s hard for people who haven’t gone through chemo to truly understand what it feels like to have this poison run through your veins. You love it and you hate it. It’s going “Pew! Pew! Pew!” to your tumors so you cheer it on. However, it’s legit burning your body… healthy cells as well. The 10 minute walk took a lot of effort and I was in pain after.

My message to all you Thrivers and Warriors is simple. Keep going! It’s hard to keep living life when someone’s lack of respect for your own is always weighing on you. Health is the number one gift. I realized that when I first fought cancer in 2016. People take their health for granted. I’ve been guilty of that too. You’d think COVID would awaken the world to how precious good health is. I think some people are still asleep. While things won’t ever be the same due to the Coronavirus… we all have to adjust to the new “normal.”

To all of you who have your health this next message is for you. Please hear me. I understand you’re finding it difficult to accept your new “normal” too. Thanksgiving is upon us. It is my favorite holiday. No matter how much my extended family and I would love to get together… we are not. Pictures of packed airports and stories of people planning traditional, large, Thanksgiving gatherings are popping up on social media. Let’s all do what we can this holiday season so we can have large gatherings next year. Stay at home. Zoom together. Yes, I know your new normal sucks too! I am sorry for that. However, how much more will it suck if we have to do this again next year. How much will it suck if your Thanksgiving plans get you sick, your loved ones sick or complete strangers sick… or worse cause their death. It will suck. So let’s just suck it up and stay home. 

Sincerely,

Jessica

Find the Fantastic

Happy November everyone! It’s National Gratitude Month! You can thank “Alexa” for that little tidbit.

It’s been a few weeks since I last checked in. I do apologize. I just haven’t been feeling fab. At last check… it was scan time and I was going in for imaging to see if the chemo cocktail is working. They test after Cycle 3. I legit had scanxiety and drove my team coo coo for cocoa puffs checking in for results. I really wanted them before Cycle 4 and before the weekend. Pretty much 48 hours. So something to be grateful for during this National Gratitude Month… scans came back good! Nodules, lymph nodes and tumor either remained the same or shrunk a tiny bit (brain tumor scan is in December). No further cancer had spread! I burst into tears as I read the results out loud to my parents. It had been a stressful week. Besides the scans, I had been extremely irritable. I had started acupuncture in hopes of finding a new way to deal with the side effects of chemo. I had come back from a session just very irritable. If you know me, you know I’m not easily irritable. However, between the chemo and steroids… lack of taste and impending scans… I was a bit of a grouch. I’ve been a bit more stable, in terms of emotions, since then. Cycle 5 is around the corner. After Cycle 6 I’ll have more scans and possibly more chemo. 

In the meantime, I’ve been working from home when I can. Speaking of which… I realized it’ll be the second consecutive Presidential election I’ll be undergoing cancer treatment during. In 2016 I voted before chemo. Weird, huh?! I’m also a bit sad I’ll be missing another Presidential election at work. Cancer kinda crushed that experience. However, there ARE things to be grateful for. 

1. Zen Time I’ve been trying to zen out in the morning before starting my day and getting out of bed. I’m grateful for the influencers on YouTube that start my day off in a “cozy and quiet” way.
2. My Cozy Bed I am grateful I’m in my bed and not a hospital bed. While I may not be healthy, I am mobile and Coronavirus free.
3. My Family and Friends for which are always there for me and cheering me on. You are part of this journey and I am grateful for all of you… especially my parents.
4. Work Thousands are unemployed right now or furloughed. While I may not be there physically, I am grateful for my job and my work family. They have allowed me to both focus on my health and be a contributive part of the team.
5. Good Scans I am grateful for the scans to come back as good as possible. I know I have many, many more scans ahead of me. They may not always come back “good.” So, I am grateful that my treatment remains the same and nothing has spread. 

I’m sure there are things things you are grateful for as well. It’s been a challenging year for us all. Take a moment to think of one thing you are thankful for in your life… at this very moment. Carry that with you throughout the day/night. While things are uncertain, that one thing you’ve thought of IS certain. Every leaf is a flower. Every storm has a rainbow. You may not see it but it is there. Find the fantastic.

A Healthy You

Hi everyone! It’s nearly a week since chemo infusion #3. It’s been a bit rough. Chemo side effects are cumulative. However, I am powering through and resting… a lot! It’s been a crazy week news-wise. Health and COVID-19 continue to be hot topics. Health will remain a trending topic as the seasons change, temperatures dip and flu season sneaks up on us. 

Good health is something many people, I feel, often take for granted. It's autumn and I'm missing all the fun autumn activities. The apple orchards, the pumpkin shopping... the typical fall activities that make this time of year so magical. If you’re dealing with an incurable disease you may understand this a bit more. COVID-19 has many people re-evaluating their health and well-being. You pause to take better care of yourselves. You wash your hands. You wear a mask. Maybe you eat a bit more veggies or bake some yummy sweets. You pay attention to how you feel. You take time for you because you really don’t have much of a choice. You are more aware of your mental and physical health. 

I’m halfway through my chemo and as the side effects accumulate you become grateful for the back stretch you’re able to do. You are grateful when the headache disappears for a moment or vision clears up. You are grateful when something has some taste and you’re fatigued but can actual get up. You are grateful when temperature doesn’t effect your teeth and your back and bone pain eases up. These are little things most of us take for granted because I pray you never have to experience them. These are all symptoms I know are temporary. I’m working on trying to manage them. This goes for the thousands of us battling and thriving with cancer. This goes for all people dealing with incurable diseases. We all have our struggles. It’s how we handle them. Sure, some days are just going to suck. That’s ok. Just know that all days won’t suck. You’ll have good days too and you are not alone.

So my message today is this. Take care of your health and care about those around you. It doesn’t matter if they’re strangers. Their health matters too. They have kids, friends and family who all want them to be healthy and live their best lives as possible. Good health is a blessing. Please take care of yours.

Attitude of Gratitude

You know, cancer is about taking it day by day. Some days are “good” and others are “meh.” I have Cycle 3 of my chemo cocktail tomorrow.

I celebrated the Jewish New Year at my apartment with my parents. We had yummy food… which I couldn’t really taste (insert eye roll). We had some nice family time. I’m grateful for that.

Earlier that week I underwent Gamma Knife “surgery.” I am grateful to be able to have had that option. Many do not.  As I mentioned in my previous post, the doctor at the hospital found a tiny spot of cancer in my brain. I was really nervous about the Gamma Knife. The mask they made me freaked me out. Being “bolted” down to the table freaked me out. Yeah, I just was freaked out. LOL. It wasn’t as bad though! They let me keep my mask and I legit did not hear anything. I had classical music on. A doorbell rang when the procedure was done. However, they did find some suspicious blood vessels they took care of too. I’ll have a scan in three months to see how things looks. 

Speaking of scans… Cycle 3 means I have my first scans coming up since starting treatment! Woo hoo! I’m curious to see how things looks. Are things stable? Did the cancer get worse? I’m hopeful it’s stable and we can continue on with the rest of the cycles. 

I’m grateful for no hospital stay this round. I’m grateful for feeling a bit “normal.” I had energy to cook my parents lunch today! I couldn’t taste it but they said it was yummy. I also did some work from home this cycle! It was extremely fatiguing but great at the same time.

We are all going through a lot during this difficult time in our lives with COVID and the state of the nation. Your trials and tribulations are no less than important than anyone else’s. Remember to keep going. Keep counting your blessings. Keep the hope. It’s a new season. Anything can happen. Sending love and light.

xoxo Jess