Day 15: "Dear MBC"

 October 15, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s finally Friday! Yaaaaaay! My appetite is good. I worked and went to acupuncture. I got “smoked out” with moxa. That’s what my acupuncturist calls what she and her colleague does with the moxa. Now I’m resting and munching. I am grateful my food tastes somewhat normal and that I’m eating.

What’s not good is how tired and fatigued I am. I’m exhausted because I got no sleep! You know it’s bad when you email your oncology team at 9pm about pain. I was good yesterday. However, after I wrote to you, MBC, this awful pain in my right teres major muscle popped up. Yes. I googled a muscle anatomy picture because I didn’t know how to describe where my pain was. I had felt a dull pain earlier in the evening but didn’t really think much of it. I went to lay down and that’s when it really got bad. I could barely pick up my iPhone! I was in pain. I felt a wee bit better in the morning but I’m still in some pain. I’m curious how I’ll feel when I go to bed tonight. I do believe the acupuncture needles used today helped.

I just never know what you’ll surprise me with MBC. You’ve been a mixed bag the past 30 hours. I am going to have some dandelion tea, shower and hopefully have a nice sleep. 

Till tomorrow MBC.

Sincerely,

Jess

Day 14: "Dear MBC"

 October 14, 2021

Dear MBC,

I don’t have much to say today. I’m really fatigued and have a really sore joint shoulder/armpit area that has me wondering if I slept on it funny or if it’s something else. Overall, it’s been a good day! I actually ate a meal. I’m super happy about that. I had an egg sandwich and hash browns. I know that doesn’t seem like an achievement but with the no appetite and off taste you cause it’s a big deal. It has me worried what kind of side effects my new chemo will cause when it comes to food. This day was good though. I do enjoy this third week before my next chemo infusion. My cycle… as you know MBC… is every three weeks. The first and second weeks are usually a hand toss in terms of how I’ll feel. It’s legit day to day. The third week… especially the later part… is typically when I feel the most “normal.” The fatigue is always just exhausting. Constipation is always something I need to contend with. However, my appetite improves and I just feel a bit “normal.” I can’t explain it. You just make me feel less gross and sick. I appreciate that. I just hope the new chemo wrangles you in and stabilizes you. The changing of chemo not only causes me anxiety but means another treatment failed me. I hope this new chemo attacks the crap out of you. 

I’m calling it a night as my eyes just got blurry and I’ve hit a fatigue wall. Time for some self-care. Till tomorrow MBC. 

Sincerely,

Jess

Day 13: "Dear MBC"

 October 13, 2021

Dear MBC,

Today is Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. It’s raining. I had hoped to go see one of the lovely Chicago buildings lit up in your ribbon colors for #LightUpMBC. However, I’m suddenly really fatigued and seeing double. I’m surprised I’m able to type!

On a positive note… I’m grateful that food was tasting a bit better today… so thank you MBC. Well… hold on. The pizza my mom and I ordered was legit the grossest thing I’ve had in a long time. My mom said it was yummy. I took a bite and spit it out! LOL! It tasted like vomit. Instead I ordered Popeyes. I know… NOT healthy but it’s something. I hadn’t had Popeyes in a decade and the little of it I did eat was good! It gave me joy. I think it gave my mom joy to see me actually eat something I was enjoying. Little did she know the part of the day that gave me the most joy was watching a movie with her. 

On a more serious note I want to talk to you MBC. You don’t only effect me but my friends and family. I hate that you’ve turned my parents into caregivers and constantly have my friends and family worried. I hate that you prevent me from having a normal work life… in an actual newsroom with colleagues who’ve been nothing but supportive and understanding. I hate that you completely overturned my return home to Chicago last year and my final days in NYC.  However, I do thank you for some things. The timing of your return… while awful, inconvenient and stressful…happened at the right time. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. The job opportunity and return home to family, where I have support, was a blessing from above. Also a blessing… the timing of when my lease in NY ended. I don’t think that was a coincidence. You’ve taught me that I can get through anything. It may suck but I can persevere. You’ve taught that I do what I can do and that is good enough.

You also have me thinking about death. While I plan on being around to kick your butt for a long time I know there’s only so much control I have over you. I came up with a “Celebration of Life” plan. I wrote a goodbye poem for my funeral and to post online. I know that’s depressing but you forced my hand. I remember sobbing as I wrote that poem. I laughed too as I’m such a cheeseball. I even got life insurance! To those reading this… don’t worry. I ain’t going anywhere. However, a girl has to plan. Ya know? You probably have a will. Same idea.  

Bottom line MBC…I breathe in your darkness but breathe out golden light. I thank my lucky stars every day I wake up in my own bed in my own apartment. I thank my lucky stars for being able to work. I thank my lucky stars for my friends, family and medical treatments. All these stars light up the darkness as the buildings light up for Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 12: "Dear MBC"

 October 12, 2021

Dear MBC,

You’ve been pretty decent to me today. While you’re still messing up my taste and appetite I actually felt halfway decent. I wasn't too fatigued. I worked. I got all my snail mail out. I got some new Nike’s I ordered and did a happy dance! Seriously, I’m addicted to these specific Nike’s but only buy them on sale. It’s like when you find a favorite shirt so you buy it in different colors. However, mine is with this particular sneaker. I’m weird. I know. I’m finding it’s the little things that happen during my day that bring me joy. Yes, the sneakers are silly but the comfort they bring my feet bring me joy. Watching football with my dad. Sometimes the thing that gives me joy is a good story I find for work. It may sound odd to you but the thought the story might make it to air and bring joy or inform those watching brings me joy. The scent of my candle made me smile today. It was just cozy and anything cozy brings me joy. I ate a waffle and it tasted like a waffle and that brought my joy… especially because the egg sandwich and bagel I previously tried to eat was nastified. 

Living with you, MBC, is challenging and that’s why finding the joy in something every day is so important. You try to beat me down but even on those dark days I can always find at least one thing that gives me joy.

You, MBC, do not give me joy. I just want you to know that. However, you have given me my daily joy journey.

Till tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 11: "Dear MBC"

 October 11, 2021

Dear MBC,

As you know it’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month. For those of us with breast cancer it can be a trigger… especially if you’re Stage 4. Stage 4… I feel… is sometimes glossed over. This is my opinion. I wonder how often oncologists mention it to their early stage patients. I know I wasn’t informed about it back in 2016. Recurrence was brought up when I first met with my oncologist and surgeon. I was told I had a 5% chance my cancer would return after treatment and surgery. Metastatic breast cancer was something I was foolishly oblivious to. I was uneducated about it. It just wasn’t on my radar because I was going to be “ok.” I’m guessing doctors don’t want to worry us with more information when we're already overwhelmed with the news we have cancer at all. Focus on the now and not so much the future if there’s not much of a chance of dying? I don’t know. *shrugs* Regardless of your cancer staging… you're now part of the unofficial Pink Party that nobody wants to go to. However, we are here… together and a community.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month is kinda like a Pink Party. We share stories of survival. We have races and fundraisers. We wear pink. I have my pink clothes. I pick my pink clothing with a purpose. I don’t have much with pink ribbons on it. What I do have has messages. One hoodie says “Fuc*& Cancer.” Another shirt says “Cancer Picked The Wrong Bitch.” I wore that in NYC for the Race for The Cure in 2019. You know what though? My “Don’t Ignore Stage 4” tank has gotten the most wear this October. I have that and a pin with the multi-colored ribbon that represents MBC. Did you know there was a different ribbon for you MBC? I didn’t until I did. It’s a tricolor ribbon. According to metavivor.org 

-The green in the ribbon represents the triumph of spring over winter. life over death.

-The teal symbolizes healing and spirituality

-The thin pink-ribbon overlay signifies metastatic breast caner that originated in the breast. 

Wednesday is Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. #LightUpMBC 

More than 225 landmarks will shine bright in green, teal and pink to bring awareness to Stage 4. Every day people die from you MBC. Statistics show that you kill approximately 40,000 people in the U.S. every year. To those of you reading my diary... get the facts. Check out sites like mbcn.org and metavivor.org Breast cancer awareness without mets awareness isn't awareness at all. Listen to the inspiring stories from survivors and thrivers... like me.

I hope this post encourages people to learn more about you, MBC. I know October means a lot more money donations for the fight against breast cancer. I hope those reading this look into the organizations they donate to, to see where the money goes. Does it go towards MBC research? Does it go towards new trials? Does it go to helping those battling breast cancer with meals or rides? These are all just some of the areas that need funding for research. Research that will one day get rid of all breast cancer… including you MBC.

Day 10: "Dear MBC" The Marathon Part II

November 6, 2016

Good Morning! It’s the calm before the marathon madness. The barriers are up, the runners are  getting ready, and soon the streets surrounding my apartment will be full of cheering … and later on…. finishers! 

As I get up and look at the barriers I realize those of us battling cancer … or any kind of long-term health issue …. are all running marathons … just a different kind. We are being cheered on, just like the marathon runners getting ready to pound the pavement. I see the cheering in Instagram posts of fellow warriors. I see it in Tweets. We are all cheering each other on.

As I hear a cowbell ring outside it hits me. I’m rounding the corner on the second leg of my own kind of New York City marathon! I’m exhausted. My bones feel old. I look tired. I am just tired. I’m so tired that my tired is tired! However, I look to my right and see the aid station before the next leg of the race. I look to my left and I see all my friends and family cheering … just like those who have their friends and family supporting them on the streets of New York today.

As Dean Karnazes once said, “Run when you can, walk when you have to, crawl if you must; just never give up.”

October 10, 2021

Dear MBC,

I wrote the above blog post five years ago. I remember I was sitting in my Upper West Side apartment. 72nd Street was closed to traffic. It was the day of the New York City Marathon. I remember hearing the cowbells ringing. I was finishing up chemo when I wrote that blog. That cancer journey was a marathon and I did finish! YAY! 

Fast forward to today... five years later. It’s the day of the Chicago Marathon. 

The only difference is that this marathon doesn’t have a finish line… yet. 

There is no cure for Metastatic Breast Cancer… yet. 

For those of us with chronic illnesses we run the marathon… forever. 

Today, as I run my own personal Chicago Marathon… I see friends and family cheering. Just like in New York, they are holding up signs that read “Keep Going!” “Hope!” “You can do it!” I hear horns and cowbells but I drown them out. I’m in my bubble of running. Sometimes I walk. Sometimes I crawl. Sometimes I full out stop. I need to rest. The bubble bursts and I hear the cheers erupt again. It prompts me to keep going.

When I finished my first battle with breast cancer I wanted to tattoo the word “Hope” on my wrist. The “p” was going to be a treble clef because music has always played a role in my life. Now, I want a tattoo that says “Keep Going.” I want it on the side of my foot. However, I don’t think tattoos are something I’m able to get. I’m a bit boney so it would probably hurt more. I don’t want to risk an infection either. It’s something I’m considering in the future. Wow! That’s the first time I've thought about the future in awhile. I’m always so “in the now.” How do I feel now… what am I doing now. It’s nice to think about the future. I’ll be at the theatre... in the future. I’ll be at the Chicago Botanic Garden... in the future. Those are places I’ll pass as I run my marathon. 

I pause to look at my ChiMarathon app. I see the two people I’m tracking neck and neck! They just passed the halfway mark and I couldn’t be more proud. “Proud.” That’s another sign I see as I run. Unlike an actual marathon, mine isn’t tracked by miles but by milestones! Milestones such as radiation, infection cured, chemo, etc. Those are just some of my “mile markers” I’m proud to have crossed. I'll see them again on my marathon map. I see a couple more coming up. I see a stone flashing “October 18th: New Chemo!” I see another mile marker that reads “Race for the Cure.” 

I'm telling you MBC... one day there will be a cure. There will be a cure to get rid of you and ALL cancers. Why? I’ll tell you why. I’m just one cancer crusher in a world of thousands! Our families… our friends... and those of us fighting you… we want to crush you. With the help of science, research and trials there will be a day when there is a finish line. You will be crushed. There WILL be a cure. I might not be here for it but others will. Just like a marathon you have to keep going. You have to keep taking those steps. With every new breakthrough the finish line gets closer. Just keep going. As Dean Karnazes once said, “Run when you can, walk when you have to, crawl if you must; just never give up.”

Day 9: "Dear MBC"

 October 9, 2021

Dear MBC,

I don’t have much to say today. My throat still hurts but is better at times. However, it’s on fire now so I’m making some Throat Coat tea. I think it’s more acid reflux related but I can’t tell… or I just have my acid reflux. My taste is really off today so food still is not something I’ve had much of but I did try to eat some veggies and hummus and mac n cheese. I did have a cereal bar. I know. Not a lot but it’s something. I have been getting socked out punched tired around 5pm the past few days. I wanted to take a nap but was afraid to as I go to bed so early as is anyway. Overall, it’s been a good day. The sun is out! I had a nice walk with my dad. I didn’t get my tiny “To Do” list done but that’s okay. Sometimes it’s okay to not cross everything off that list. I mean… it was only three items. I’m just tired and looking forward to snuggling in bed. My eyes are getting blurry so time to end this entry. Until tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Jessica