Day 8: "Dear MBC"

 October 8, 2021

It’s finally Friyay! YAAAAAY! I’m so happy to be able to sleep in tomorrow. I’m doing okay. I had a nice acupuncture appointment. I’ve walked nearly 3 miles today. That is a lot for me and so that makes me happy. It wasn’t intentional but that’s what my steps add up to so far. 

My throat is killing me. It really hurts to swallow. I’m not sure what that’s about, MBC. Are you playing an early Halloween trick on me? I’m not finding it spooktacular! I mean maybe it’s not cancer related at all and it’s just a sore throat. That’s the thing about having cancer. Sometimes it’s hard to determine what are cancer side effects and what are cold/flu symptoms. Maybe it’s acid reflux related? Who knows. I probably should have emailed my team about it. Now, it’s too late. I’m drinking some Throat Coat tea with honey. Perfect for the rainy afternoon we had here in Chicago. #TeaTime

I think the rest of my night will be self care. I got a new pumpkin, in-shower, mask from The Body Shop. I can’t tell you the last time I bought something from that store! LOL. I think it was in high school. My friend Allison loved that store so I tried out their products. That was a looooong time ago. I ordered some pumpkin body gel and I think some moisturizer with pumpkin too. Those items haven’t arrived yet. Just something to look forward to.

While I haven’t been able to eat much today due to no appetite and my throat… I did make sure to make donations to The Salvation Army and the Greater Chicago Food Depository for Thanksgiving meals.

I’m just happy it’s the weekend. Till tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Jess

Day 7: "Dear MBC"

 October 7, 2021

Dear MBC,

I woke up feeling human again!! Hey, isn’t “Human Again” a song in Beauty and the Beast the Musical? I took the right medication today too! Work was good. I’m just tired. Tired and blurry eyed. I slept a lot and watched the “The Sopranos” prequel “The Many Saints Of Newark.” My dad wanted to watch it. I have never seen an episode of “The Sopranos.” It’s just not my thing. I wouldn’t watch it again, but I’m happy I saw the movie.

As far as eating … I ate pretty decent today. I mean some of it was not the healthiest.I ate the most I probably have eaten this week. So a good day today! Gosh I’m really fatigued though. I could go to sleep right now. Maybe I will. A short and sweet entry today. Tomorrow is Fryay!

Sweet Dreams!

Sincerely,

Jess

Day 6: "Dear MBC"

 October 6, 2021

Dear MBC,

 

It’s after 6pm and I’m still in the same pajamas I slept in last night. Why you say? Your girl here took the wrong prescription medication! I was trying to re-start a stomach/acid reflux medicine but took this random anxiety/anti-depressant instead. Oy vey!  It legit has been kicking my butt all day. I took it during work and legit had to stop for 10-15 minutes to just lie down. It was like I needed a re-boot. However, that re-boot didn’t work cause when I was done with work I crashed on the couch and then moved to bed. I was in bed until 1pm but then crashed again on the couch at 3 and have been sprawled out feeling like a zombie ever since. Lesson. Read your medication bottle before taking what is inside it. I think I’m just on autopilot with the ones I do take daily I just wasn’t thinking. So, as I sit here typing… feeling like a zombie and zzzzzzz….I now have to decide do I want to try and shower? The idea sounds exhausting but refreshing. The other option. Just change pj’s! Or maybe I just stay in the same ones for a second night? Meh. That sounds not great. That’s how just zombie-like and tired I am from this medicine. Never… never… again. Hey! Maybe I should be a zombie for Halloween! 

With that… I say sweet dreams MBC. Tomorrow I hope I wake up feeling human again.

Sincerely,

Jess

Day 4/5 "Dear MBC"

 October 4/5, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s #Monslay! I was up early working and tried to eat but legit couldn’t eat anything without gagging or running to the bathroom to try and throw up. Not sure what that was about as that’s never happened. I was able to eat a few pizza corners for lunch and drink some Ensure Clear. FYI... it’s a gray day.

It’s now Tuesday. It's another gray day. Nice and cozy. I don’t know what’s up… but I still can’t eat much without getting really disgusted or vomity-like. My coffee today did taste a tiny better. I worked and recorded some Marco Polo’s. I cried a little. I’m missing a wedding I really want to go to but due to Corona and the cancer spreading I’m unable to. To say I’m disappointed would be an understatement. Just bringing it up makes me cry. 

Oh! I wore my “Fu*# Cancer” hoodie I gifted myself today from Grunt Style. It’s a business run by Veterans. Their products support the Armed Forces, first responders, etc. The hoody is sooo comfy and cute. 

More later. My ride (my dad) is here for acupuncture………………………………………….

Ok back. Lunch was super frustrating today. I  tried three different foods and all were nastified! I so don’t likes this part of you MBC. My soup tasted like spicy pepper. It was chicken and rice. Nothing spicy about that! My leftover pizza tasted like wet cardboard and the maple cinnamon oatmeal tasted like a stick of melted butter! *scratching head* The lack of food is making me moody and isn’t helping with my fatigue. I will try again to eat something in a bit.

Update… still meh with food but I did just make a cup of hot cocoa. Yes. There is whipped cream. It’s reminding me of my elementary school days when I was a crossing guard. On cold winter days Mr Tesnow would have styrofoam cups of cocoa waiting for us in the cafeteria when we returned from our morning crossing guard duties. 

Some days are just basic. This is a basic day. Ok the hot chocolate is upsetting my stomach. Maybe that’s a hint for me to start winding down night with a shower and maybe a mask.

But first three things I'm grateful for today:

1. My parents

2. My acupuncture session

3. My coffee tasting more like it should

Good night!

Sincerely,

Jess

Day 3 "Dear MBC"

 October 3, 2021

Dear MBC,

Why do the weekends always go so fast? Today was a better day though. I was actually productive. While I’m still fatigued and having some other of your uncoolio side effects… I still was able to get stuff done! I actually got out of my pjs and checked some items off my “To Do” list. I also watched some football and rested. I’m proud of myself. You may knock me down but you know I always keep getting up and moving forward. I look back at September and what you put me through and realize… this weekend… while not the best… deserved all the rest. 

What did you put me through last month? 

Week 1: Scans #Scanxiety

Week 2. Lung Biopsy #NotInfectionNotCancerButWhatIsIt?

Week 3: Bronchoscopy Biopsy #LetsFindOutWhatItIs #RecoveryFromProcedure

Week 4: Chemo and results #CrapItISCancer #SideEffects

This month… let’s be less full of surprises... unless they are good ones. Okay? We have to get ready for a brand new chemo on the 18th. 

With that, I hit the hay. A short and sweet entry for a decent day! 

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 2 "Dear MBC"

 October 2, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s Saturday and you listened. You let up on the hot flashes last night. Thank you! I only had two! However, I woke up feeling like ass. Womp. Womp.  I had hopes of going for a morning walk but legit couldn’t get out of bed. The base of my neck hurt and my bones hurt. I’m assuming it’s the bone medication kicking in. It’s strengthening the few bones you’ve taken over. I ain’t letting you break any of my bones MBC! That ain’t happening. I also take some supplements on top of the bone med to fight off anything you try to fracture or weaken. Pow Pow!

Mentally, I’m just meh right now. I’m typing this at 8:30am. It took a lot of energy for me to make coffee this morning. Thankfully, you’re allowing it to taste like coffee. #Happy. However, now I want to make breakfast and just don’t have the energy at the moment. This is when we have to work together. I need to listen to what you’re telling me. You’re telling me to rest. It’s the weekend. You’re not up at 4am to work. So, I stayed in my pj’s and turned on the WGN Morning News and sipped my coffee. 

It’s now nearly 4pm and I’m still in my pjs. Thanks to your fatigue I’m also still planted on the sofa watching tv. I finally was able to eat something. MBC… you've taken away my appetite and my taste since Sept 2020. Sometimes you decide to let me taste things and I’m so happy for that. However, I'm not happy you've destroyed my love for food. Nachos, pizza and salads are just some things that just taste crappy now. They used to be my favorite things to eat. I really dislike you for that! You've stolen the joy of eating from me! I hope you decide to return it to me one day. FYI: I just had some veggies and hummus. The taste was just off but I ate it anyway. So there! *Sticking out my tongue*

Today has been a struggle for me but it’s been relaxing as well. I think you’re just telling my body it needs to rest. Some dark, stormy clouds are hanging over Chicago. It’s perfect for an aromatherapy shower, candles and music. I think that’s my agenda for the rest of the evening… if I can keep my eyes open. So… tired. 

Till tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 1

October 1, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s been quite the week. You’re seriously trying to push me down. Chemo side effects from Monday’s infusions are kicking in. I didn’t sleep much last night because you graced me with hot flashes and some really strange pain in my pelvis. Thankfully, that dissipated mid-morning. Not sure what that was but the coffee solved that problem! LOL It also gave me some energy. 

Despite the bursts of energy…your fatigue tends to drain me… but more so the past couple days. It’s been a draining week both emotionally and physically. You decided to spread… once again… to my lung. Seriously? WTF! I crushed you and you decide to sprinkle tumor cells in my lung’s lymphatic system. That’s just uncoolio. I get it. You want to thrive but so do I. 

Thriving is why I try spreading the golden light of my chi at acupuncture. I settled onto the table for my treatment. “Breath in, and let the golden light fill in the cancer cells and lesions,” said my therapist. She moxa’d the crap out of you and pinned me with needles to help combat the fatigue, nausea and headaches you’re putting me through. While I was full of energy this morning the treatment has me dead tired. That slammed against the wall of fatigue just has crashed down on me like a tidal wave. It’s still with me, hours later, and I just want it to go away! I want it all to go away so I can eat… so I can enjoy my Friday night… so I can be normal… so I can stay up past 5pm, 6pm or 7:30pm.

Nothing is normal about you though. Nothing is normal anymore. One day though… I promise you… things will be normal… even if it’s for a few hours, days or months. Where I don’t think about you or feel you. Team Cancer Crushers will get a hold of you and stabilize you so I can live life more. The chemo and other treatments will lasso you in. That day is just not today.  I just have to wade through the crap side effects I’m feeling right now and know that tomorrow is a new day. I am grateful for that. Not everyone gets a new day. 

Sincerely,

Jessica

P.S. Can we please cool it with the nighttime hot flashes. Thanks.