Trick or Treat!

I have spooktacular news for you this Halloween weekend! For those battling cancer it’s a full time job. Between appointments, treatments, family and work… it’s an evil trick the universe zaps us with. However, this Halloween I have a treat for you! It’s a sweet one, but first let me back up a bit.

I haven’t been blogging for a few reasons. First. I need to be inspired to write. I don’t just write to write. There’s gotta be a message, motivation and energy to do so. Speaking of energy… I took three weeks of leave after a number of procedures and radiation to help with the cancer in my lungs. Between that and chemo, an ulcer and constant cough… I just had to hit the breaks on work and focus on my body’s recovery. Yes. I am still working and am grateful for my coworkers and employment. Second, after taking that three week break, I began a new chemo treatment as my cancer was still spreading and unstable. I believe it was my 7th treatment change in two years since my Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnoses. This treatment is a one-two punch! TWO chemos, plus Herceptin and Zometa. The goal. To beat off the lesions in my lungs, chest, abdomen, liver, bones, brain and lymph nodes. I’m not going to lie. It’s not easy. My body is like WTH?! I’ve had to begin surprise blood transfusions due to low red blood cell counts. I’ve had to have Neulasta on-body injections to maintain and boost my white blood cell count. It’s all been worth it though! Here is your treat! After more than 2 years of unstable scans following all the chemo treatments I’ve tried… that have failed… Team Cancer Crushers… we have a BIG victory! For the first time scans have come back all STABLE! The fight is not over though. The results means the current lesions I do have, have either shrunk a tiny bit or remained the same size. Stable. Not cured. That cure for all cancer is still being worked on by thousands of people around the globe hoping to end cancer for all. 

Today is the Walk for the Cure here in Chicago. I am not walking this year. I am not asking for donations. I am here to say “Thank You.” This could not have happened without your love and support. The texts, visits, letters and surprise gifts I have received have kept me going. You have brightened my dark days and lifted my spirits when my tank was on empty. 

To my parents… this victory isn’t just mine. It is yours. None of this would be possible without you. My parents have visited me daily and been to every single appointment and treatment. They have driven me back and forth (my eyes are yuck) everywhere. They have brought me groceries. They have sacrificed they’re “normal” daily lives to keep my journey going. Mom and Dad… it is our journey and I fight every day to live for them and you. I am so grateful and blessed to have you as parents.

We all have our battles. They can be daily ones. Big or small. This is a reminder to keep going. That you are not alone. To check on one another. To celebrate the victories… no matter the size. To show compassion because you never know what people are going through. To show patience and to always, always keep the hope. With hope, anything is possible. Just like this victory! Who knows what the next scans will show. For or now… Team Cancer Crushers has won a game! Chemo continues. There’s no change-up. Only hope for continued life and stabilization. 

So Happy Halloween! I hope you’ve enjoyed this treat! It’s a spooktacular one!

June 20, 2022

Today marks two years since I’ve been in Chicago. It feels like its been five!  I’m sitting in my chemo chair looking at the beautiful lake and the sun bouncing off of it … creating little diamonds on the blue. It’s quiet here right now. It’s early for infusion. I’m enjoying the quiet as I wait for the nurse to confirm I’m getting two other infusions with my chemo, making it a longer day. This is the end of cycle two of my 7th chemo in two years. I remember the morning I left New York. It was after an unexpected and stressful final week in the Big Apple. I had hoped my final week would be full of Philly (I always wanted to try a Philly Cheesesteak), seeing friends, finishing packing and visiting favorite places one last time. Instead, it was the height of the coronavirus. I had a breast biopsy… was dealing with sketchy movers that were giving me anxiety… and waiting for results. Thank god for the park next door to my apartment. My jogs there kept me sane. I remember my final run had me taking every sound and sight in. I came home. I showered and waited for the movers. My phone rang. It was the hospital. My cancer had returned. I legit couldn’t believe it. What was already a bad week has just gotten worse. It was a Thursday. Two days before I was to leave NY. My days weren’t filled with goodbyes and favorite spots. My final days were busy trying to get scans to Northwestern Memorial Hospital. I was hustling to find an oncologist and I was worried about my new job. How would they react? I was panicked. I wanted to see an oncologist to come up with a game plan so I could tell my new employer what kind of treatment I’d be getting and the possible timetable. I had two weeks in Chicago before I started my new job. I was overwhelmed. I got on the plane 48 hours later. It was June 20th. I boarded my flight feeling anxious, worried and thinking “this was not how my return home to Chicago was supposed to go.” I couldn’t believe  the events of the last week. I still can’t really. However, I take comfort that that was God’s plan. I knew I wanted to move back to Chicago in December 2019…7 months before I got a job here…closer to family. The apartment I wound up leasing (virtual tour) is conveniently near the hospital I’m at. 

I find it fitting the final two weeks of June 2022… just like in 2020… are jammed packed. I have chemo and a Covid test today. I have acupuncture tomorrow. Later this week I head to the operating room to deal with the tumor in my lung. They’ll try to freeze or scrape away the part that’s partially blocking an airway. I had a similar, but less invasive procedure, last month. This one has higher risks and no guarantee it will ease my wheezing and debilitating cough. However, I am hopeful. Next week I have gamma knife surgery on the same area in the lung. I had a not so fabulous experience when my radiation oncologist performed it on my brain last month.  I’ll meet with him the day of to hear is plan of action on my lung. It’s the first time I’ll have radiation on that part of the body. I’m nervous but not thinking about it. 

What I am thinking about is my miraculous body. While it’s a tug-of-war when it comes to the cancer, it amazes me how much my body has handled in the last two years… let alone in 2016 when I was initially diagnosed with breast cancer. It never ceases to amaze me that it just keeps going. It may hate me at times. It shows me daily with the side effects I have. However, I know it wants to get better too. It’s like an angel vs devil situation LOL. Just like me, my body wants to get rid of the cancer. It wants to stop the spread. It doesn’t like the cancer either! It also doesn’t love all my treatments… hence my side effects. We are a team. I hate my body at times for making me go through this cancer crap but, at the same time, I love my body for all it’s doing to try and fight the cancer. Just like Team Cancer Crushers, the body and medicine will fight. I continue to stay positive. As I wrap this up, remember that staying positive does not mean that things will turn out okay. Rather it is knowing that you will be okay no matter how things turn out. Just Keep Going! 

It's Been Rough

Hi everyone! It’s been a bit since I posted but honestly, it’s been a rough 2022 and the energy is just not what it used to be. I started that new chemo back in February. I believe that was the last blog post. Turns out it didn’t work so I start a new chemo on Monday. I am hopeful. 

To say I was disappointed that we haven’t found a treatment that stabilizes and stops the spread of this cancer is an understatement. However, I am hopeful that this new chemo will be the one that sticks. The past few weeks have been rough. Between work, the hospital and realizing that I need to start a new chemo has been a lot. I legit believed that even though the scans showed some growth and new lesions in the liver that we’d be sticking with the plan. The cancer coaster is full of loops and turns. You just need to hold on and roll with the flow. I had Gamma Knife Surgery this week. I had it in 2020 but this time was different. I’m unsure why, but it was. I went in for the prep brain scan Monday so my team could figure out the game plan. Tuesday was my procedure. The sweet nurses made my mask. I just laid there thinking, “Here we go again.” It’s a tight, fitted green mask they bolt you to the table with. The mask ensures you don’t move and protects you from the radiation zapping the lesions. Once the mask was made it was time. It was 3 hours (I think). It was awful. I just kept thinking “Breathe. You Got this. Zap! Zap! Zap! those lesions away.” I just felt suffocated. My mouth was dry like the Sahara. The mask hurt. It felt like it was crushing my face and nose. My head was pounding like I had a migraine. I had to ring for help. I usually power through scans and procedures but I couldn’t this time. They pulled me out for a quick break. One nurse gave me some water while another put a hot towel around my neck. After 5 minutes the nurse asked, “Are you ready to resume?” I took a deep breath and nodded as I laid back down and they bolted my head in. The one positive is that I didn’t cough once! Don’t get me started on my debilitating cough fits. However, it was a big concern for me with this procedure and a goal of mine was not to cough during it. I remember the second half of the treatment I buzzed to see how much time was left at last three times. I just wanted out. I was just miserable but just kept saying “You got this! We’re zapping those lesions like in an Atari video game. Just breathe.” I can’t remember the rest of the night but do remember my parents saying I looked like crap and was out of it. I was wheeled out of the hospital and into the car. Grateful that it was over. Grateful that I had my parents there. Grateful that I was able to have the Gamma Knife Surgery. Grateful to be going home. My mom said the mask had made imprinted holes on my face it was that tight. I put on my PJs and logged onto my Portal and noticed there was a Day 2 of Gamma Knife Surgery for Wednesday. I was a mess. Even though I knew this was a possibility I just couldn’t believe it wasn't over. I had to to go back. They had to split the procedure into two days. I cried and pulled myself together and said, “Well it can’t get any worse.”

Wednesday came and I mentally prepared myself. I did some meditation, showered and was ready. Day 2 was better… minus the fact I was hallucinating. Maybe I wasn't. Who knows? I’m unsure if it was the anxiety meds or what. While the mask wasn’t killing me… I was now seeing dead relatives. My grandma Madeline held my hand. Some other relatives stopped by. Someone put some purple beads arounds my “casket.” I think all of these appearances were meant to comfort me and remind me I’m not alone... that I have angels looking out for me. It freaked me out a bit. I sobbed under my mask, which in turn had my back spasming on the cold, metal table. I was just like “Get me out of here!” I wasn’t wheeled out to the car this time but I was clearly shaken. I was crying and just frustrated. It was over though. I had survived. Now it was time to try and rest and recover. I just couldn’t though. I’m on steroids on top of all the other meds I take for my cancer side effects. The steroids are to control any swelling of the brain. I dozed off for hours but was too weak to move off the couch to go into bed. Not good. I was, and still am, emotionally and physically drained. 

Saturday rolled around and acupuncture was a much needed treatment. I laid on the table grateful for some TLC. I listened to the calming music during treatment and reminded myself, “You did it! Thank you body! Look at what you did.” I came home feeling good and then, hours later, I just didn’t. The nausea, dizziness and headaches kicked in. It was just frustrating. Today is Mother’s Day. I still feel the same. Still dozing off. Still fatigued. Still nauseous. Still dizzy. I was able to celebrate Mother’s Day though. Tomorrow, Monday,  I start my new chemo. It’s going to be a long day. I don’t know how my body will react but I’m hopeful. The cancer coaster rolls on. I know that one day a treatment will work. I just keep going grateful for a new option. Grateful for the support around me. Grateful for being alive. So, I'm okay. I just am having a rough time. There's nothing wrong with that. Accepting how I feel and trying to be kind to myself is something I'm working on. "Just keep going Jess," I tell myself. "You got this. You're buckled in ready for the next loop. Just hang in there." I am! 

It's Okay. It's Alright.

It’s the New Year and I do apologize for not writing or updating. 2022 has been a challenge to say the least. The new chemo (Two weeks on one week off) was kinda like a jack-in-the-box or a see-saw. One day you’re up… the next you’re down. One hour you’re up… the next you’re down. One weekend I got vertigo unexpectedly. I had been feeling fine after a rough couple of days of not much eating and not functioning. I had done laundry, some light cleaning and then boom! The room began to drop like a see-saw and spin like a top. The woman who cleans my apartment knocked on my door and I just burst into tears. It’s the first time she saw me crying. She was my angel that day. 

January was my Birthday month and I found it a struggle to just get into the mood. It was just a rough month as my body tried to figure out the new chemo and schedule. February hasn’t been any easier. I took scans to see if the chemo was working. It wasn’t. My once clear brain scan was lit up again. The positive is that the 7 lesions are teeny tiny! They’re so tiny my neuro oncologist is like let’s wait and see and in the meantime focus on your lungs and the rest of your body. 

The cancer in my bones are stable but the rest of my body is not. Scans showed small increases in the lesions in my breasts, lymph nodes and lung.The cough I have… no comment. It’s awful. It’s random. It’s me gasping for air at times. It’s me coughing so hard I gag. It’s not covid. It’s not viral. It’s not pneumonia. It’s likely the cancer but they don’t know. I’ve tried three different prescription cough meds, two inhalers, Claritin, lozenges and tesla pearls. I see my pulmonologist this upcoming week. 

This past week is over! Thank goodness. It was hard but victorious. Hard because it was a lot of hospital time. Hard because the unstable scans meant changing chemo… again. It’s my sixth chemo in less then two years. I am grateful because there are still options and because six is my lucky number. I am grateful because they were able to get insurance approval that same day. It meant I could continue to fight with no break. It was a rollercoaster Monday. My dad and I sat in the oncologist’s office as he showed us my images. It showed the mystery in my lung... the lit up spots of white we are trying to dim... the temple this cancer is trying to burn down. This new chemo cocktail is weekly. There is no break. There is hope. One thing I do hope is that I don’t have the crazy side effect I experienced post infusion. Luckily I was still in the chair. However, it really really was painful and sucked. The side effect means I get to say “Hello” again to my old friend dexamethasone. It’s not my favorited steroid. It keeps me up and hot flashing for 24 hours. However, if it prevents that awful side effect from coming back… I’ll take it. 

I called this week victorious too. I worked more days then I thought I’d be able to. I also was able to eat more. I saw the goodness in so many people. I mentioned my cleaning lady and how she cared for me. There are so many of you who reach out and just check in… brightening my day and offering support, food and serving up lots of love. There was the nurse who saw me waiting in a cold hallway and randomly offered me a warm blanket and pillow. She told me to just leave them on the chair when I left. I left a “Thank You” note. It touched her. I saw her later and she gave me a big hug. You never know what small thing you do will change a person’s day or mental well-being. 

Speaking of which… I’m doing my hardest to be more open about how I’m feeling. I’m one of those people who is like, “I got this!” and slap a smile on my face to the outside world. I’m learning it’s okay to have those days where you just tell people, “I’m not okay. Today sucks but I know tomorrow is a new day.” It’s also okay to cry. I often hold back my tears and just breathe threw the sadness I’m feeling. Why though? Cry therapy is good! Cry away! I used to apologize for crying… knowing it made others feel uncomfortable or sad. People don’t cry because they are weak. Some may feel it’s a sign of weakness. It’s not. People cry because they have been strong too long.The dam broke and the tears flow… releasing the pressure of feeling the need to be “ok.” As I posted on social media earlier this week, “Realize if you didn’t get everything done or right it’s ok. It’s alright. You’re doing your best.” That's all we can ask no matter where we are on this journey in life. To do our best. To keep going. Sending love and light to you all.

New Year. New Chapter.

 It’s 6am on the Sunday after Christmas. I’m listening to a remaining Christmas “Yule Log” channel. What used to be, at least six channels, is now down to a few. Where did December go? I mean this month flew by. Right? There’s only week left in 2021! I have my “To Do” list for today but taking a moment to reflect on this past year. It’s been a rough one for many of us… but together… we made it through! 

My 2021 list:

Work

Hospitalized

Scans

Whole Brain Radiation

New Chemo

Bronchoscopy

Lung Biopsy

New Chemo

New Chemo

Holiday Cards

Baked

Snuck in a little fun

Did laundry

Blogged

Worked out… mildly

As I look back at all I’ve been though… 2021 brought it. I brought it too though! I still managed to work. I still got my holiday cards out. I still sent smiles. I still blogged. When I look back… I went through a lot and I did a lot. I sometimes beat myself up for what I’m not able to do. The days I’m unable to work (which, thankfully, aren’t too many) riddle me with guilt. The days I can’t move from the bed or couch shock me. I miss frolicking with friends… the boozy brunches full of bloodies… the travel with friends or to see friends. I miss the daily grind. I need to remind myself those times will return to some extent. That’s what I fight for every day. My “new normal” is ever-evolving. We all are navigating an ever-evolving new normal. The pandemic takes us on a rollercoaster every month. Remember, we are all on the ride together. We are buckled up. Speaking of buckling up and rollercoasters… buckle up for this quick health update. 

I had scans this month. It was my first set of scans with the new chemo. I was hopeful. My brain scan had come back great! I wasn’t feeling that bad. Nothing crazy going on. So, my fingers and toes were crossed! Nope. Scans came back. The chemo wasn’t working. So, I started a new more aggressive chemo this past Christmas week. It’s two weeks on/one week off. Previously, it was infusion every three weeks. This new schedule is new for me but I am hopeful. I am grateful there are still options. I am grateful.

I often talk about gratitude. I’m grateful for all of you. I’m grateful for my friends and family… especially my parents who are the unsung heroes of my journey. Every text, card, message, gift and prayer are all things I am grateful for. Those are all gifts to me. They give me hope during moments I feel hopeless. They bring me light in moments of darkness. They are everything to me. 

As we begin our final week of 2021 I want you to grab a glass/mug of whatever you want. I’m grabbing my coffee. Let’s toast to 2022! My wish for you is a happy, hopeful and healthy New Year! Do what brings you joy. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Spread joy where you can. Do your best. Know and accept that that is enough. I toast to your health. I wish for you love and peace. May every night end… and may every day start… with a grateful prayer and a hopeful heart. Take a moment to look around you. You are alive! The gifts that you see.The gifts you can’t see. Don’t let them slip away in the hustle of a busy day. Breathe it all in. Don’t focus on what others are doing. It matters what you are doing. So here’s to 2022 and all you hope to do. 

77/23

 .77 miles and 23 minutes. That may not mean much to you but to me it means the world. Why? This once very active girl hit the gym for the first time since leaving NYC! I hit the treadmill… at a really…. slow… pace. As I listened to my songs on shuffle I looked around and teared up for a hot second. I may not be the woman running quickly on the treadmill in the corner in front of me. I may not be the guy on the Peloton cycling to the beat. I may not be the old me who would be on the elliptical doing an Aaptive workout. What I am is the new me. An ever changing me that ebbs and flows with how my body feels. A new me that is sometimes hard to accept. I don’t know what inspired me to hit the gym. I was avoiding it due to the Coronavirus. That’s the last thing I need to get. However, it’s getting cold in the Windy City and the whipping wind outside whispered, “Do it Jess! Go to the gym and get a piece of you back.” You know what? That’s exactly what I did. As I walked to “30/90” from “Tick, Tick… BOOM!” I reclaimed a piece of me that’s been missing on this cancer journey. A physically active me. A Jess at the gym! For a brief moment I felt a little like my old self mixed in with the new me. It wasn’t the miles that mattered but the moment and the movement forward that did. I took a step forward for those who aren’t physically able to. I took a step forward for the future me. I took a step forward and reminded myself to keep going. 

77/23. Maybe, one day, someone can write a song about those numbers and turn it into a Broadway musical. 

A Day of Thanks

It’s Thanksgiving and I just want to wish you all a happy and healthy holiday. I haven’t written a blog as there’s not much to update you on… yet. The end of this month and December is stuffed with chemo, scans and appointments. Today, I am focused on gobbling up food and making new memories.

I am working and I am grateful for that. The co-workers, family and friends who have supported me via texts, gifts and messages. I am grateful for all of you. Every Facebook comment, card, delivered meal and “check-in” text are all things I cherish and am thankful for. Every… single… one. Every... single... day.

I am just grateful to be here today. Alive! God has granted me another Thanksgiving. I am not in the hospital. I am not puking into a toilet. I am not bedridden. I am just grateful. I’m looking forward to spending part of the day with my parents. Without them and their never-ending love and support I’d be nothing. They visit me daily. They drive me to appointments (my vision still stinks). They feed me and shop for me. They are unsung heroes on this journey. 

This journey is one you all make bearable. I wish you and your loved ones a Happy Thanksgiving! I’m sending love and light to those who are missing loved ones today. I know the holidays can be tough. Be grateful for the memories of those angels watching us today. They’re smiling down upon us and here in spirit.

Day 31: "Dear MBC"

 October 31, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s Halloween! That means my month of writing to you is over. It’s been a good day… but right now you have my stomach in knots and my head hurting. I’m making myself some “Love” tea. I haven’t had it in forever! Tea always makes everything better. Ok, I just took a sip and my teeth hurt. #Weird. 

For those of you who have been reading my diary… I hope it has given you a small glimpse into what living with metastatic breast cancer is like. Some days are good. Some days are bad. Some days are up-and-down. MBC teaches you to roll with the punches. To cut yourself some slack. To listen to your body even when you don’t want to. MBC teaches you to be grateful for the little things and celebrate even the smallest victories. It teaches you to embrace the sucky moments and cry it out… but to keep moving forward. Accept. Adapt. Appreciate.

I hope you’ve recognized some of yourselves in my posts. I hope they’ve brought you light in the darkness… even through the fog. I hope they’ve given you a different perspective from whatever bench, sofa or chair you’re sitting on. That you realize you have a choice in what you see in life. Do you choose to see the joy or do you just see the bad? Accept. Adapt. Appreciate… and keep going knowing that you matter. That your story matters. That you are still growing and learning.

I’ve learned “God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers,” so the saying goes. Well give me my helmet, my bat and my Cancer Crusher jersey. I’m ready for battle. I may get wounded and sidelined but this soldier will always dust herself off and march on.

Till tomorrow MBC.

Sincerely,

Jessica

P.S. The “Love” tea is helping a little. So take that! 

Day 30: "Dear MBC"

 October 30, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s been a few days. I went to my parents for some self-care appointments. I worked… minus one day where the Wi-Fi decided not to work. I tried though! It’s always nice to escape the city and venture to the burbs. I saw some cute little ghosts and goblins trick-or-treating today! 

I was feeling pretty spooktacular Wednesday and Thursday. I was just really fatigued. Friday was not a treat. You played a trick on me MBC! I felt fine all morning. Around 11:30 I was in pain. You did this to me once before. I feel fine and then move and am in this crazy constant pain. It’s like if you put a thick rubber band around my chest and upper back and then take a knife and stab me… kinda like a voodoo doll. I mean it’s not fun. The pain makes breathing hard. It just hurts. I swear it’s skeletal pain but I’m no doctor. Maybe I should be a skeleton for Halloween! LOL Anyway, I took two extra strength Tylenol and after a few hours I felt better. Thank goodness!

I feel much better today. It’s now Saturday night. I’m back at my place. I tried eating three different meals for dinner. They all tasted awful. I had an Ensure. It was ghoul-licious. Ghostbusters “Walk The Moon” is playing on Pandora. I watched some reality tv. All is good.

MBC... you’re kinda like a ghost. You’re always hovering about. Sometimes you are friendly and don’t bug me too much. Sometimes you're like “BOO!” and sneak some crazy symptom on me… like yesterday! I try to be like,“I ain’t afraid a no ghost,” but sometimes you do scare me. Don’t worry, I just do the monster mash on you and squash the symptom you throw at me the best I can. 

Have a wicked good night! 

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 26: "Dear MBC"

 October 26, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s Tuesday but it feels like Thursday. I’m not sure why. I’m a bit fatigued MBC. I exude a lot of energy but I’m really just tired. I’m still not sleeping too well at night. I’m still waking up in hot sweats. I worked this morning and treated myself to a nutella latte AFTER I had my own coffee at home. I also picked up some medication and had an appointment. 

Meantime, all the food I’ve tried to eat tastes not great but not awful. The butternut squash soup I loved the other day was nastified today. Same goes with my hummus and veggies and Eggos. The egg salad I loved over the weekend… not so good today. Nothing tastes normal.

What was normal today? For a brief moment I felt like my old self. I felt like my pre-cancer self. It was a fleeting moment. I had my nutella latte in my hand was walking to get my prescription. I felt good! I felt energized. I felt normal. It was really weird! Then it was gone. It’s a moment I’m grateful for today. I keep trying to figure out what sparked that feeling. I just don’t know. Maybe it was because for the first time in a year I wasn’t wearing sneakers. I had put on my knee high black boots! I was excited they fit because I’ve lost so much weight. I didn’t know if my feet had shrunk too! LOL The boots fit though and maybe that’s what made me feel normal. 

Speaking of my weight… don’t worry I am eating. I am currently munching on the veggies and hummus that taste weird. I also have some cheese handy. Oh wait… it’s been 10 minutes and I’m having some BarkThins. See! I’m eating.

I’m finding if I sit with my legs crossed my joints are really sore. That’s just a random thing I’ve noticed today. 

That’s all I have for now. You’ve been pretty decent to me MBC so far this week. I can’t really complain. Till tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 24: "Dear MBC"

 October 24, 2021

Dear MBC,

We always have the choice—to complain or to count our blessings. A fellow thriver once said that. Yesterday, as I Raced for the Cure I counted my blessings and my steps. Each step represented a step forward. A step towards finding a cure. A step towards more research. A step into the future. 

I could have chosen to complain about the map I created for my walk. It was a virtual walk. It took me onto Michigan Avenue and through the hospital campus. I didn’t complain. Instead, with each step, I chose to count my blessings. Let me take those of you reading this with me. So many of you cheered me on!

Lace up your sneakers. We're going for a walk. 

The walk.

I pass a McDonald’s and thank Ronald for the milkshakes he served me when they were all that I could eat. Vanilla. I turn left and continue forward. I pass hospital staff probably returning to their cars after their shifts. I smile at them. They could be coming from Prentice Women’s Hospital. I purposely stop there and take a picture. It’s where my oncology team is and where I get my chemo. I silently thank my team for always walking besides me on this journey. Sometimes, they’re one step ahead. They never walk behind me. I continue on. As I walk towards Michigan Avenue I pause. I’m listening to music. I forgot to tell y’all that! I’ve listened to songs such as “Fight Song,” “You’ll Be Back,” “Go West,” and “Mi Gente.” My steps are speedy. I slow down. I turn left towards the fancy Reserve Starbucks that always baffles me with its’ long line. I don’t want to wait in the cold so I cross back over Michigan Avenue to stop at a regular Starbucks. Also, my neuropathy is kicking in and I’m a bit chilly. I figure the impromptu pit stop will help. In hindsight… that Starbucks is right next to the building where I had whole brain radiation and gamma knife surgery. I leave Starbucks with my hot chocolate. Fitting, as a Christmas song pops up on my playlist. It’s “Jingle Bell Rock” by The Brian Setzer Orchestra. As I walk down the block… drinking my cocoa… I think about when I saw the band perform in Palm Springs. I had produced the 6pm news that day. I remembered my drive to the concert and how much fun I had that warm desert night. As I reminisce a burst of cold wind hits my face and jerks me out of the warm past and into the chilly present. I’m standing in front of the Emergency Room. There are pillars outside the ER. Each pillar has a pink ribbon on it. I pause and snap a picture. I think, “Why are there just pink ribbons on these pillars?” You are missing MBC. The metastatic breast cancer ribbon is not represented. “Are we forgotten,” I question? I think of the tri-colored ribbon I have on my shirt and look at the emergency room sign. MBC… you brought me here multiple times. Each time I was a shell of a person. You had me feeling like crap! One time I had to be wheeled in. I could barely walk… but the wheelchair moved me forward into the ER and into the hospital. Always forward. Today, I stand in front of those doors grateful for that care and grateful that I survived. Not everyone leaves the hospital. I look up to the sky at the angels I can’t see but know are there. I take some sips of my cocoa and continue forward. I want to walk more but my body is starting to tell me it’s time to go home. My neuropathy is getting worse and now my lower back hurts. I have to listen to you MBC. I know if I don’t I’ll regret it. So… with each step to my apartment I count my blessings. My parents, my friends, my medical team, my ability to be mobile, my work…. my life. Those are all blessings. It’s a blessing that I’m able to do the virtual Walk for the Cure. As I enter my building and ride the elevator up I give myself a silent round of applause. I step off the elevator and into my apartment… moving forward. Always forward. #KeepGoing

Today, I’m resting. I’m sleeping. I’m stretching. Just because I’m resting doesn’t mean I’ve stop moving forward. Tomorrow I’ll take more strides. Until then… good night MBC.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 22: "Dear MBC"

 October 22, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s Friyay!!!!! Thank goodness. You just make me sooooo fatigued MBC. I’m not sleeping well and when I do sleep I don’t feel rested after. I woke up not feeling great but pushed myself to work anyway. Acupuncture was good but my head just hurts, my eyes just blurry/tired and my body fatigued. I have the virtual Walk for the Cure tomorrow and while opening ceremonies are at 9am I plan to start walking earlier. My goal … a one mile walk. I was going to walk by the lakefront but it’s supposed to be a bit chilly tomorrow and the wind may be bad. I’m concocting a walk map in my mind. I think I may do a rectangle that includes the Northwestern Hospital campus and maybe the Riverwalk. We will see how I’m feeling. I don’t have much else to say today except I am just fatigued and can’t wait to snuggle under my covers. 

Till tomorrow MBC.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 21: "Dear MBC"

October 21, 2021

Dear MBC,

I didn’t have much to say yesterday so I gave myself the night off. I didn’t feel guilty about it. In the past I might have. I do what I'm able and that’s fine by me. Fatigue and constipation is really starting to hit me. You haven’t knocked me out. You just have me moving like a blurry-eyed sloth. I’ve been working. I’ve been eating a little. I’ve been moving around the apartment. I’m still standing MBC! Honestly though… the fatigue is just annoying. My eyes are half shut as I type this. I have NewsNation on but reading the banners and scroll is difficult. I used my eye drops but they’re not helping too much. These are Rx drops too! They cost $100. That’s another thing MBC… you are expensive. I honestly don’t know how those who can’t afford health insurance, or don’t have access to it, handle the added financial stress. It can be financially stressful with insurance. 

You are relentless MBC. Fellow MBC thrivers I follow on social media are struggling as a few learned their scans show progression… their treatment failing them. Some are switching to a new chemo and others are re-starting. While we all want to find new treatments to prolong our lives and improve our quality of life… ultimately it’s a cure to crush you we all pray and hope for. From extra weight to lost lb’s… from foul tasting food…to migraines. From fatigue to bone pain… to vomiting and nausea… you try to take over our bodies. Sometimes you instill fear in us but we will always continue to fight. 

Till tomorrow MBC.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 19: "Dear MBC"

October 19, 2021

Dear MBC,

I’m feeling a bit better today, so thank you. I crashed in bed last night after I wrote to you. I was up early for work and felt good enough to work. I then had to deal with health insurance and was off to acupuncture. I went for a short walk and did eat a tiny bit! Yay! However, now I feel really sick and vomity so maybe I ate too much? I just had some veggies and hummus and some dip and chips. Both tasted decently and not like cardboard so that was good! I fear that crazier side effects may hit Thursday and Friday like my previous chemo. Maybe not though?  Overall a much better day, so thank you MBC. I’m proud that I was able to accomplish all the things I did today but now need to rest. Why? My fatigue is getting worse. I’m watching “Maid” and currently re-watching “Madam Secretary” on Netflix. Oh! I see a new season of “The Babysitter’s Club” is available on Netflix too! I grew up reading those books! That series… along with “Satin Slippers” and “Sweet Valley High” were among the books I read growing up. Also, “The Cricket in Times Square” and that set of books had me hooked during my years at Middleton Elementary School. 

Till tomorrow. First, some tea.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Day 18: "Dear MBC"

 October 18, 2021

Dear MBC,

This is going to be short. I was up earlier than usual to get some work in before having to leave bright n’ early for the hospital. I didn’t sleep too great last night but it wasn’t too bad! However, I went to make coffee this morning and sprinkled paprika into my coffee instead of cinnamon! Oy vey! LOL I met with my oncologist. I honestly didn’t have much to say. I knew the nurses would go over the new chemo with me. He asked about my eating and I told him about the pain I had last week. It was a very routine visit… in my opinion… despite the fact I was changing to a new chemo. This chemo is similar to my last one. It has a couple different restrictions and some new possible side effects on top of the usual ones. The top one… fatigue. As you know that’s a new one, MBC. However, it’s supposed to be pretty bad with this chemo. Really? Like how can it be any worse?! Never mind. It can be so I take that back! 

Usually, when I get home from chemo I can eat and have some energy and feel pretty good. It’s usually not until the later part of the week when I start to feel crappy. Today was different. Today I was completely wiped out. My parents and I ordered food. I wasn’t able to eat any. I went to sleep on the couch and was there for a long time. That has never happened with any of the prior chemos I had. I’m curious how I’ll feel tomorrow. I did eat a little something. Veggies and hummus! I also had a few marshmallows. I know! I know! I put them away. LOL Sometimes you just want a fluffy cloud of sugar. I’m going to go wash the hospital off of me and drink water.The nurses were all like hydrate, hydrate, hydrate, hydrate and hydrate more. 

Till tomorrow MBC. 

Sincerely,

Jess

Day 17: "Dear MBC"

October 17, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s been a beautiful weekend here in Chicago. The rain moved out and the sun and cold came in! The sky was blue and the air crisp. Perfect for an outing and one this girl desperately needed. MBC, you keep me inside a lot. Between work, side effects and appointments I’m either home, at the hospital or on an acupuncture table. I get my short walks in… but the one thing that you gift me is fatigue. That’s what I want to talk to you about today. The beautiful weather had me off to the zoo yesterday. It’s something I’d been wanting to do all year. I start a new chemo tomorrow. It’s the end of week three post infusion. It’s when I’m usually feeling my most “normal.” However, I’m not feeling too normal today. Why? Dumb fatigue, MBC! Now, for those of you reading my diary you know tired. Everyone's been tired more than a time or two. So, when cancer patients talk about fatigue caused by treatment and cancer, people might think they can empathize. But this kinda fatigue is not like anything else.

The lethargy I experience with treatment is no surprise. It happened in 2016 as well but not like this. I’m going about my business and then BOOM it zaps what little energy I have. I could just be sitting and it hits. It's like a faithful companion that never leaves my side. It’s concurrent with extreme physical weakness sometimes. Hence, not being able to type this blog last night.

So let’s get back to yesterday. My dad and I get to the zoo. It’s so fun! We walk all over and see the animals. Less than two hours later we’re back at my place. I am dead. Not just fatigued but just … empty. It’s just so frustrating that something so simple is so draining for those with chronic illnesses like you, MBC. I think back to my days of going to the gym and running daily. Will I ever be able to do that again? Less of two hours of walking just laid me up. I checked my Pacer app and it said we walked three miles. I think back to my days fighting cancer in 2016. I was in NYC … which is a walking city. I remember walking in Central Park and still going to spin classes! I’m just unable to do that this time.The fatigue is always there. I take naps but I just don’t wake up refreshed anymore. Hopefully, this new chemo will do its job and I can try to rebuild my strength a bit. 

Every three weeks, the round of chemo robs me of strength and alters my day to day life. Even attempting the tiniest of tasks, like brushing my teeth, showering or making coffee … my body just doesn’t always support me. Not only is fatigue physical but it has emotional side effects as well. When daily objectives revolve around what needs to be done over what doesn’t… well… it just isn’t too exciting. Maybe that’s something I need to work on internally. Flipping the switch to include a bit more fun and normalcy into a non-normal life. I mean it’s not normal to be in pajamas at 5pm on a Sunday but I am. It's not normal to have your eyes closing as you type. I don’t feel bad about it. It is what it is and I’m quite comfy. LOL! I’m just fatigued. My eyes can barely stay open. I am still on “E” for empty. I’m unsure how to refuel but plan to finish my liter of water, try to eat a little something more, have some tea and hit the hay. I have an early and long day tomorrow. You get to meet my new weapon against you, MBC. The new chemo. Pew! Pew! Pew! 

For now… I gotta get off this computer. Till tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Jess

Day 15: "Dear MBC"

 October 15, 2021

Dear MBC,

It’s finally Friday! Yaaaaaay! My appetite is good. I worked and went to acupuncture. I got “smoked out” with moxa. That’s what my acupuncturist calls what she and her colleague does with the moxa. Now I’m resting and munching. I am grateful my food tastes somewhat normal and that I’m eating.

What’s not good is how tired and fatigued I am. I’m exhausted because I got no sleep! You know it’s bad when you email your oncology team at 9pm about pain. I was good yesterday. However, after I wrote to you, MBC, this awful pain in my right teres major muscle popped up. Yes. I googled a muscle anatomy picture because I didn’t know how to describe where my pain was. I had felt a dull pain earlier in the evening but didn’t really think much of it. I went to lay down and that’s when it really got bad. I could barely pick up my iPhone! I was in pain. I felt a wee bit better in the morning but I’m still in some pain. I’m curious how I’ll feel when I go to bed tonight. I do believe the acupuncture needles used today helped.

I just never know what you’ll surprise me with MBC. You’ve been a mixed bag the past 30 hours. I am going to have some dandelion tea, shower and hopefully have a nice sleep. 

Till tomorrow MBC.

Sincerely,

Jess