Breast Cancer Awareness Month-"Dear MBC,"

It’s October 1, 2021.  Breast Cancer Awareness Month has arrived.  My experience with it now, as a Metastatic Breast Cancer Thriver, is much different then it was in 2016 as a Stage 1 warrior. Cancer is not good… period. It doesn’t matter if it’s a small area or if the cancer spread. Nobody deserves a cancer diagnosis or wants it. My hope, this month, is to bring some awareness to MBC. While I celebrate all the survivors who finish treatment… there are thousands of us who, likely, won’t get off the hamster wheel. We go around and around with appointments, treatments and side effects. It’s a battle for life every day. Our friends and family go on it with us. So, for October, I am posting a daily “Dear MBC,” entry to my blog. Please feel free to share the link: #BreastCancerAwarenessMonth #MBC 

https://theworldaccordingtojaz.blogspot.com/

Unlike my previous blog posts… this will dig a little deeper into my daily life. How I’m feeling. What I’m doing. What I’m not doing. What I’m struggling with. I am a hopeful person. If you have been following my journey you know that I am a very positive person… but let’s be real. MBC can be a daily struggle and is glossed over sometimes (I feel) in the breast cancer community. Somedays I crush it. Other days I don’t. That’s okay. That relates to everyone. Sometimes you have an amazing day and other days you just don’t. I hope my entries will inspire you to share your stories. To realize that no matter what you are going through you are not alone. I hope you recognize yourself in my diary entries. You are okay and there is hope, love and light. Sometimes you don’t feel or see it but it is there. As one woman once wrote: 

“Remember, when you light someone else’s wick, your fire doesn’t go out. Instead it multiplies. And that person can pass it on to the next. The more candles you light, the more we unite and the brighter the world will be.” -Ashley Lord

I’ll be posting “Dear MBC,” starting tonight...every evening at 7 CT. 

Glow On

It’s been quite a week for me but I wanted to drop in and say, “Hello!” It’s been a tiny bit since I gave you a health update. I was going to wait until later this week but I’m in a writing mood. It’s not even 7am this Sunday and I’m up. My internal alarm clock has me up early every day. I’m unsure if it’s because I work in the morning and that’s when I have the most energy or what… but it makes it hard to “sleep in.” Luckily, a positive to an early morning is the pink sky I’m staring at as the sun rises to signal a new day. I’m grateful at this moment. I have a couple candles lit. I’m in my comfy bed. I made my first cup of coffee in a year! I’ve been Uber Eating DD or Starbucks for a few weeks. I feel like I’m wasting money and was like “Jaz! make your coffee!” It actually doesn’t taste bad. Yes. My taste is still really off. 

Anyhoo, back to my update. I did have some scans this month. It was another mixed bag but overall good. My brain mets are stable. There is nothing new and nothing grew. The lesions either shrunk, don’t show up on the scan, or stayed the same. Yay! The lesions in the rest of my body either stayed the same or don’t show up on scans! Yay! However, an area in my left lung grew… a bit. It grew on the last scan too. We were just monitoring it to see if three months of more chemo would shrink it or stabilize it. It did neither. So, my oncologist was like, “Not sure. It could be cancer. It is more likely an infection. I just don’t know. I’m sending you to a lung doctor.” 

This past Tuesday I met the lung doctor. I was really hoping she’d say, “We’ll just monitor it. It looks like an infection.” Instead she said, “I have no clue what it is. It could be infection or it could be cancer.” She said I needed a lung biopsy. Insert my internal eye roll I gave here. I’ve had biopsies on my lymph nodes and breast. They’re not the most comfortable but they’re doable and pretty simple. The lung… yeah. The idea of someone taking a needle and puncturing my lung freaked me a bit. You gotta do what you gotta do though. Knowledge is power. Without it you can’t crush the cancer. I had a looooong day at the hospital, with my parents, and underwent the biopsy. They had me on my stomach and hit the lung from my back. This was not comfortable and I was in pain. The last thing I remember was me telling them, “My neck and head are killing me from this position you have me in.” I remember feeling a stabbing pain in my back. I assume it was the biopsy needle going into me. I don’t remember anything else until waking up in some pain. I was fearful my lung had collapsed as that is the primary concern when you have a lung biopsy. It hadn’t! Yay! So… we are waiting. I will find out this week what the biopsy results are. Is it cancer? If so that means we change chemo… again! I’m hoping for the infection. That sounds a lot easier to treat and more likely the case. So, y’all please put out “infection” vibes into the universe. It doesn’t help I had a dream last night that it came back as cancer. That’s the only part of the dream I remember. I know there was more to it. Of course that’s the part I remember! 

As you go on with your day today… remember this. It’s a new day. You are blessed with it. Do something that brings you joy. As the season changes please remember to rest. I have been all weekend. Rest is a gift of gratitude to my body for keeping me alive. For all I’ve put it through. I once measured a good day with how much I got done. How productive I was. I still do… in a way. However, now I measure it more in how present I was. Did I take in that sunrise. Did I enjoy that cup of coffee… the smell of a sweet burning candle… my ability to move. I look out the window at the golden glow of the sun. It is still rising. Just like me. Just like you. We all rise as we start a new day. Glow on. 

Yom HaZikaron

It’s a Sunday night. I’m in bed listening to “soft rain” on my Aura app as I try to lull myself to sleep… and then wham! A childhood memory floods my brain. I’m not sure why. It could just be that the Jewish New Year is around the corner. I tend to get sentimental as this time of year always brings up good memories. 

This memory was like I reached deep into a pants pocket and pulled up little Jessica over at Grandma and Grandpa’s house in Glencoe, Illinois. My grandma is making me popcorn in the popcorn machine in the kitchen. Grandpa is in his chair in the tv room watching an old western. I am happy. I dig deeper into my pocket and pull out a memory of my friend Meri and I playing “Wheel of Fortune” in her basement in the 80’s. It’s an old video game. We are having fun and laughing at how Vanna White walks. I see Vanna flipping the letters over as we take turns spinning. We laugh together. I dig into my pocket again and pull out a memory of my friend Lara. She lost her battle with cancer a year before I was diagnosed with my first bout of it. I look at the movie in my mind and see us at work… on the 5th floor at ABC News… eating potato latkes and apples with honey for Rosh Hashanah. I smile. I cry a little.  

I don’t know why these memories are coming to me. I legit was just trying to fall asleep. What I do know is that I am blessed with memories of a good childhood and a good adulthood. Maybe the memories came to me from my angels above. Maybe it’s their way of reminding me they are watching over me. I dig in my pocket again and see myself at the synagogue, in Skokie, for New Year’s services for children. The rabbi is lighting candles. My parents are in the main sanctuary where I hear sounds of the shofar: a Tekiah… a Shevarim…  a Teruah. The ram’s horn will sound again soon. Rosh Hashanah 2021/5782 begins this week. A new year.  Reflection will begin. New memories will be made. For now… I just want to fall asleep listening to the “soft rain.” 

Finding Gratitude

Gratitude. It’s something I’m starting and ending each day with. It’s easy to go through our days looking at our problems or “To Do” lists and just get stressed out. You don't have to feel great to be grateful. 

I find it’s the little things that happen daily that I'm most thankful for. I’d normally gloss over those “little things” because I’d be focusing on the big things overwhelming me. So, I’ve been writing those little things down. Here are just some of the small things that I’ve had BIG gratitude for the last 24 hours. 

I am Grateful for….

1. Waking up
2. Being able to roll over in bed with no pain
3. Being able to eat and taste a tiny more
4. My healthcare and insurance
5. My job
6. Family and friends
7. The sun
8. My apartment
9. The Aura phone app
10. Being able to take a deep breath

Take a moment to think about what you’re thankful for right now. Come up with three things. Now… if you want… take a closer look at why the list you’ve come up with fills you with gratitude. Here is my closer look from 1-10.

1. I know not everyone in this world will rise with the sun today. He/She may earn their angel wings. I was blessed to be able to rise with the sun again.

2. Sounds silly, right? but when you have cancer in your bones you have aches and pains. Rolling over and walking can legit be a pain. Getting out of bed may be difficult. When that pain goes away there is freedom to move. 

3. Week three post chemo means my appetite and taste are a little better! My tastebuds re-awaken a bit. I enjoy what I can as I know they’ll go back to sleep in 24 hours.

4. I would not be here today without my medical team and science. Each day is gifted time for me. While chemo, radiation, etc is not fun… it extends my life and grants me more time with those I love. Insurance— not everyone has it or is able to afford it. The chemo alone is $23,124 per infusion. That’s not counting the other medication I get for my bones or anything else!

5. My job gives me a routine and sense of community. It provides me with security as well.

6. That community my job gives me includes friends… friends that are like family…. and my family. I wouldn’t be here today without their love and support. 

7. The sun! That I can feel it and see it! On Summer days like today I think back on my times in the hospital. I sometimes feared I may not get to feel or see the sun again.

8. My apartment gives me peace. There are no pests or dead bodies! (That’s another story for another time). There is comfort, central AC, a beautiful deck, and a cozy bed in my apartment. Oh! A beautiful look at Lake Michigan too.

9. Serenity. The Aura phone app has been lulling me to sleep and introducing me to meditation that is just the right amount of time for me to appreciate. I’ve tried many meditation apps. This is my favorite one.

10. Deep breaths. The ability to take a deep breath in and fill your body with liquid gold energy of air means life. It means relaxation. It’s a new day. Breathe it in.

I hope this helps you remember that even though we are all going through our own struggles there is something to always be grateful for. 

“After the rain, the sun will reappear. There is life. After the pain, the joy will still be here.” 

-Walt Disney Company

Waves

It’s after 9pm on Friday and I’m in bed crying. It just kind of slowly hit me… like dark clouds moving over Lake Michigan… bringing rain. Though, in my case, it’s tears. I had just been laying in bed trying to fall asleep. I worked a lot more hours than usual this week. I am tired. It’s been 48 hours of sad news. Maybe the tears were for those in Surfside, Florida. I can only imagine what the last two days have been like for the first responders… community… those who have lost or don’t know if their loved one is alive or dead… those who have lost their homes. 

It could also just be the cancer coaster. Like waves rolling onto the beach in Surfside sometimes the ripple turns into a current that crashes into a wave of emotion. I just laid in bed crying… hugging my stuffed dog. Maybe the tears were for a past life I mourn. Maybe the tears were for a future that will likely be shortened. I honestly don’t know.

I had been watching (in bed) Carrie Hope Fletcher sing “Far Too Late” from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new musical Cinderella. I found Carrie after stumbling across her YouTube channel nine years ago. She was singing a song she wrote called, “Why can’t I be a Disney princess?” Fast forward nine years and she’s a lead in a new West End musical. The song, “Far Too Late,” is stunning and maybe the lyrics resonate with me…

“Far too late to sing a love song.”

“You’re in someone else’s arms.”

“Far too late for second-guessing.”

“My chance is gone”

Yes, I know she’s singing about a prince. LOL It’s just such a beautifully written song. 

I know it’s not too late for me and that I have chances. Every day I wake up is a chance. A chance to sing a love song. A chance to second guess. A chance to live. A chance to love. A chance to cry. 

Sometimes your body just needs that emotional release. I didn’t cry long. I’m not one to sit and sob. However, sometimes you have to remember the journey you’re on and just keep moving forward and not look back. Like waves in Lake Michigan… like the waves off the coast of Surfside, Florida… they hit hard. They can catch you by surprise and can knock you down. You just have to keep going. I just have to keep going. I will.

1 Year Cancerversary

What a journey it’s been. This week, last year, I was in New York getting a biopsy and packing my apartment. This year, I’m in Chicago, thriving with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer. It’s been a crazy year full of ups and downs, hospital stays, lots of love and lots of support.

I just wanted to update you as I hit my one year cancerversary. As you know, I’m on my third kind of chemo. Guess what? I finally have some good news to share! Scans show treatment is working! The brain radiation is working. Many of my lesions have shrunk and others remain the same. The new chemo is working on the lesions in the rest of my body too! The bad news… the cancer did spread to some of my bones. I know. Annoying. Right? (insert face in palm here) The team and I discussed how we’ll handle that. Overall great news! A victory. I’ve stolen a base! 

I’m hoping these results continue so I can try to return to some sort of new “normal.” Seeing people out and about with no masks on… restaurants full again… not much social distancing… has my anxiety a bit high. I’m still masking up and primarily avoiding the public. However, I am pushing myself to be more active. I’ve lost 60 pounds on this chemo cocktail so fatigue and energy levels are not the best. Daily short walks by the lake and stretching are becoming routine and will hopefully put some pep in my step. I even got out on the deck for the first time since I moved here! 

It’s not just myself trying to navigate and figure out this new normal. We all are. I hope you take a moment to pat yourselves on the back. It’s been a journey. We’ve all made it. Those who have not weigh on my mind. We must not forget the lives lost. Their heavenly light illuminate the days ahead. Coronavirus, cancer, illnesses. These all bring us together and remind us that life is fragile but life is living. We are all blessed to awaken out of our cocoons and fly once again.

I will continue to hit the balls that come my way. Some may be curve balls… some may be home runs… others could be strikes. What matters is that Team Cancer Crushers keeps trying and keeps moving forward. That YOU keep moving forward. The stadium remains full of hope and encouragement. I hear your cheers. For that… I thank you. Let’s keep playing ball.

Mood: #Meh

Hi friends! I know it’s been a hot second. I’ve been a bit “meh” with this new chemo cocktail. I was up ready to pick up the bat and swing but feel that I just can’t connect with the ball right now. I talk about the cancer coaster a lot. Right now I feel like it has just been off the track. I’m unmotivated, not feeling good due to side effects, not eating much and just overall ….”meh.” However, this chemo is soooooo much better than the last one in terms of how I feel.

I’m a creature of routine. I’m used to the gym, a run, errands, work and music. Now it’s just been a lot of doctors, chemo, acupuncture and work … not in that order and not as routinely… and some days not at all. My body doesn’t quite know what to make of this new chemo! However, I feel like it’s working because that’s the positive in me. I mean third time is a charm right? I just feel a bit lost. So, I tried getting into some sort of routine two weeks ago to get me out of this rut. Baby steps. Always moving forward. It’s okay to take a pause sometimes but you gotta hit “play” at some point.

Stage 4 cancer is marathon. With my battle in 2016 there was an end in sight. I had a certain number of chemo infusions, a certain amount of radiation, surgery and hormone therapy. That was that. There was a finish line. There isn’t a finish line for someone with stage 4 cancer or someone with a chronic illness. You just have to keep running the marathon. You have to accept that some days will be bad, lonely or “meh.” However, you know there will be days that are good and somewhat “normal.” It’s okay if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure when you do get back up you rise as a fire!